This Post Is Not About Spongebob, Jesus, Satan or Soup...or *IS* It?

[sisabet]

OPENING DISCLAIMER:

The following post is not intended as a critique of the Club Vivid Challenge currently underway (which sounds very exciting and I am eager, as always, to see what happens). The following post is just me, whining and navel-gazing. You know. The usual.

Right then. Carry on.

I'm a bit bummed about the Club Vivid Challenge this year. Not bummed like I am wailing at the walls or rending my garments, more like I would love to make a dance vid but I vow to not commit myself to making any vid this year (after my spectacular bailing on the AtS End of Days Challenge and I will feel better when I just *do* that vid) until said vid was finished.

It's not a matter of deadlines. I know all about the Escapade deadline and I am not stressed (well, I am stressed, just... in a different way). I'll have this vid ready by then. If I didn't - I'd have *something* ready by then or not - if I don't have a vid, then no one is the worse for it.

It is more about the *specifics* and the commitment that yes, "I will vid this song" - I can't claim a song with the intent to vid it and know that I can vid it. Half of my vid starts are just that anymore. Just a start. This of course does not stop me from perusing the list and going "OMG I WANT TO VID THAT" [the rest of this sentence is excised due to obvious attention seeking behavior]. And I am greedy and want all of the songs (ALL OF THE SONGS IN DE WORLD) to belong to me. So there is the letting go of that.

Then I have to examine my motivations for vidding anymore. I wanted to make a dance vid - why don't I just make a dance vid? Why does it have to be a dance vid that specifically *plays* at Club Vivid? When did "Oh, I will do this vid for my VVC premiere vid and I'll do this for Escapade and I'll do this for Club Vivid and I'll go ahead and post this vid and hopefully it can get into Nearly New" become how I vid?

And a corollary to that is me listening to a song that tzikeh gave me on a mix this weekend (and oh, the wacky on this MIX... requires its own post, actually) - the "Spiderman" theme song Big Band remix from the second movie and I really want to see that vidded to...Spiderman. And I could do that - I could make the vid I want to see to this song and I could do it to Spiderman and I would probably really enjoy it... but then I had to stop myself and ask "Do you really want to vid the movie song to the movie? Do you want to be that vidder? Isn't that like wearing the t-shirt to the concert?" And I stopped and then I thought that a Danny Ocean, Oceans 11 vid to that song would really work and be kind of sly, but it would lose a lot of the emotional impact the song has originally for me by divorcing it from Peter Parker. But it will play better at Vividcon if I vidded it to Oceans 11 and all of a sudden I was making a decision to not make a vid just for me but to possibly make a vid I am less emotionally invested in based on who I am going to show it to.

Why waste such a good song on a vid that is really only for me? But then, isn't the fact that I would even say that to myself incredibly stupid?

Because there is vidding for an audience and that is fine. This is good. But, I don't know - is it really the end all and be all of how I want to spend my time? Because I have had a blast with this last vid, the vid I'll send to Escapade, and I went into it knowing that the audience would be really small and maybe that helped me just loosen up and enjoy it. And lately, unless I am vidding something that I will never show to more than a few people, I just haven't been having fun with it (for the most part- there have been *moments* of fun).

And it actually helped me have fun on this vid, knowing that not that many people would be in the fandom or would want to see it or would know the context, or whatever. Right now the thought of a lot of people watching it is kind of filling me with a dread and a panic and dear GOD what was I thinking and I am trying to control that, but man. I am not confident. I was and then I wasn't and it happened so fast I could hear the audible hiss as all of the air went out of my float. I'm still sending it to Escapade, though.

But why?

And to be perfectly honest - I like attention. This is the only explanation. Why else would I be excited about making a dance vid for Club Vivid and then not excited about making the same vid just to make it? I am vidding for attention and this has got to stop or be controlled or something because it could actually, possibly, and I have no proof, but I suspect strongly that this might damage my soul.

So, what do I do? How do I get around this and figure out how best to make certain I am vidding because I want to vid and need to express something and reconcile that with the attention whore within?

Because not vidding makes me a bit nutty. Vidding also makes me nutty - but there is a difference in the quality of the nuts. One is Premium Mixed Nut cocktail with plenty of Brazil nuts and the other is mainly salted peanuts with a couple of cashews tossed in.

How do I get from here to macadamia? Mmmm - chocolate covered macadamias. I want to be the chocolate covered macadamia nut vidder.

Comments

[elynross.livejournal.com]

I understand this completely, attention whore that I am. I think you're making a great start, just by recognizing the difference between "I want to make this vid *to show at Club Vivid*" and "I want to make this vid, period." There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking up a challenge, and seeing where it takes you (the not finishing wariness is good to keep in mind, though), but I understand that feeling that your motives are stealthily shifting on you in ways you don't like.

So, I'd say you keep asking yourself those questions. It's fantastic to make vids to send to cons -- it gives the audience pleasure, and you do sometimes get great response. I think that response is not a bad thing, not an intrinsically unhealthy thing, unless you want it too much, and it becomes your primary motive, because, like you, I feel like underneath somewhere, it's a darker motive that's doing me damage.

But I think so much of this kind of damage is avoidable simply by this level of self-awareness. If you see something you want to do, and you find you really want to do it, even if the challenge were to disappear -- go for it. If you're uncomfortable with your reasons, let it go, and that's okay. I think it's a wise thing.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

I just don't do well with challenges and knowing that I don't do well with challenges on my best days and knowing how antsy I am about vidding *anything* right now (I'm losing it. I really really am. Ideas and enthusiam are slipping away from me right and left and then when I finally am able to get a vid I like out, all of a sudden - poof - I am terrified and embarrassed to show it). Well, I just don't want to bail out again.

So, I just want to know why? Why do I start three SV vids and just abandon them and I start an Iman vid and (regardless of how I feel about that vid now) I am able to get all the way through it and have a great time doing it? I am still highly invested in Clark and Lex - so it isn't that. The only thing I can think of is that in the back of my mind I know that a lot of people like WYIN and I feel like whatever I do in SV will be... looked at by all those people. Whereas, initially, making the Iman vid (Dewey) - I was pretty confident that only y'all would want to see it. And that is cool - so I was okay to just vid it and relax.

Then I decided it was the vid I wanted to send to Escapade and now I am just really fragile with it right now. I do this - I know it - so I'll get over it.

But it doesn't change the fact that I think my inner attention whore is causing a lot of pain for my inner introverted vidding geek. Maybe they should arm-wrestle?

[elynross.livejournal.com]

I seem to do really well with Yuletide, and I'm not quite sure why that is. Maybe it's the level of initial control? I have another one currently, the picture challenge, which I did because it's *precisely* 1000 words. For Yuletide, I think part of it, too, is that it gets things out of me I'd never even think to do on my own. Het Litfic? Not likely.

I wonder if part of it is an unconscious expectation of potential audience? The SV audience is HUGE, even apart from the pressure coming out of WYIN. Before you decided to send to Escapade, the targeted IMan audience was smallish, and you knew most, if not all, of them. Now, suddenly, it's going to automatically get wider exposure. (Note, however? A lot of people who didn't know IMan would have watched it anyway, just because it's a sisabet vid.)

Personally, I'm dying to see the finished version!

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Personally, I'm dying to see the finished version!

Okay - see you really should not have said that because renenet and I were just discussing the other day how we both feel we are no longer objective about this vid.

We agreed on a few key changes, however (especially going back to the long shot of the syringe in the leg - I broke it up trying to follow the music more and it... it loses impact and I think the *reason* it loses impact is precisely because it is not what you would expect listening to the music and that tells the audience to pay specific attention to Bobby. If you break it up, the focus on Bobby has shifted and it is more on the syringe and then the flinch he gives is easy to miss. This is a working theory - I can show you both versions), and I plan on making those tonight and Lum helped me identify some problems with the blurring at the end, so I'll fix that and add the finished titles (Eunice rocks!)

Soooo - since I *have* to upload this thing this weekend and you *said* you wanted to see it -- wanna give the olll once over tonight/tomorrow?

We discussed that I could post to my LJ the need for fresh eyes/beta, but then decided against that cause it would just be... well, I don't need feedback at this point - I need beta and that is a fine line and something I just do not trust with many people.

[elynross.livejournal.com]

Okay - see you really should not have said that because renenet and I were just discussing the other day how we both feel we are no longer objective about this vid.

Wait. Is this a trick? I say I can't wait to see it, and I shouldn't have said that, because you're gonna let me see it?

I'm so confuuuused. But willing! Nearly always willing. *g* I'll come find you....

[luminosity]

Vid because it makes you happy -- in a nutty way. I mean, I know that while we're *making* a vid, we're bitching and whining and stuff, but it's still *fun*. I gloated over making The Other Side because I knew that when I announced it at the end of Buffy, people would be all verklempt. That was FUN. Once I got past my nervous breakdown with boni's SV vid, it became a fun challenge to find all sorts of Biblical imagery in SV (because, yeah, I'm weird that way). My Big Buffy Project has all of my attention now because at first, when I seriously decided to have it done-done-done for Vividcon, I panicked and felt terribly pressured. But I reminded myself that I would be doing this project whether or not I *ever* showed it umpteen-gazillion people. If I just showed it a chosen few, it would be worth it. Because it's FUN.

I dropped out of the DragonCon thing because it wasn't fun, and I couldn't *make it be fun* for some weird reason. I think I could have worked out the time issue if I could have convinced myself of its funness. Sigh.

I said of that to say this: Some people's definition of the fun in vidding is *to* show it to umpteen-gazillion people, and if that's their motivation, then more power to them. However, there are other vidders who just love the *act* of vidding, the creation itself. I'm still over there for the most part, even though I love showing people my stuff. I don't naturally vid for other people. It takes an added effort for me to do it, and that adds stress that I don't need.

I'm still just fooling around with Premiere and having the time of my life. Whatever makes it fun and keeps it fun. Yeah!

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

See?? I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!

Or something not as dramatic. I think... I started vidding because I liked it and then I got a little bit of attention and I liked that as well and then I got really serious about vidding and I really liked that and then I got a ton of a attention and I really liked that.

Then I started thinking about the attention before I was done with the vid and the vidding became less fun, because I started filtering it through a percieved audience's reactions and so when I stopped doing that, I had fun again but now that I am almost finished with it, I am having second thoughts and terror related to it showing to people and what if they hate it? And I feel this way about all the finished vids, so that is normal...

So right now I am just having birthing pains and committment issues and possibly am just talking to be talking.

But is it influencing me too much? And how much of this is just me really liking how my vids look on the big screen and trying to get as many as possible on any given disc?

Re: The Project

You must complete. For me. I need it. It is FUN.

[luminosity]

We all go through this identity crisis thing. If it weren't happening in vidding, it'd happen somewhere else, I think. And sure! We're dramatic! ::swan::

I went through the same evolution you're going through, and what worked for me is the understanding that I'm inherently selfish about my creative endeavors. In a way, I make vids now because *I have to*. *I have to have this much fun, dammit!!*

I can't say that I've ever felt terror about showing a vid to an audience. I've had nerves, though, but not terror. I save that for speaking in front of people. I always hope that people will love my vids, and I take all constructive criticism to head, if not to heart, and think hard about it. *I* like my vids, you know? If someone just hates my vid for no discernible reason (and has the temerity to say so to me--heh), my inner insecure child may listen for a minute and I'll freak for a minute, but inevitably I dismiss that. Because I'm still having FUN!!

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Us? Dramatic??

::Legolas::

I do feel terror when my vid plays in front of an audience and I am there. I've never felt terror about Escapade because I've never been there and when you walked Closer into the show, I had no idea really what that meant. Last year - WYIN was out on the web before the vidshow so I really was much more confident about it then if it had not been seen.

This vid - it won't be posted first. Two Words and SOS and Caravan premiered at VVC before the internet and maybe that is causing me to kind of freak a bit as well. I am used to a certain order of things: LJ comments, vid show, sporadic email. I do like this order. Why am I trying to change this order? What am I doing? Why am I here? Are you gonna eat the rest of that?

[luminosity]

Why am I trying to change this order? What am I doing? Why am I here? Are you gonna eat the rest of that?

It's not really an either/or though. I feel a certain edgy excitement about showing a vid "LIVE!" first--sort of like tightrope walking without the net. There are LJ comments and sporadic email, no matter what, and that's wonderful. Why not experience both of them! Let's do that. And yes, I'm going to eat that. Do you want that last avocado?

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

OMG if you finish the BBP by VVC *drools happily* see, can't even complete sentences.

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

"Do you really want to vid the movie song to the movie? Do you want to be that vidder? Isn't that like wearing the t-shirt to the concert?"

One of the first vid tapes I ever bought had a bunch of movie songs vidded to the movie on it. And I thought they worked great, especially because in most cases I didn't even realize there was a theme song. :-> That could just be me, but I love the Spiderman Theme, in (almost!**) all of its incarnations, and I think it works much better for Spidey than for anything else.

But then again, I just watch the things. What do I know? :->

** Moxy Fruvous = Yeah! Female who sounds like Yoko Ono = Eeek!

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

I almost want to hear that one just to know, but I fear that I may blow that sanity roll.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Heh - Dawn has been after me for an age to vid "Against All Odds" to "Against All Odds" because she hates the MTV vid.

I just...well, it seems almost too much of a gimmee, y'know? I mean of course this song is about Spiderman. It is called "Spiderman" - so I am tempted not by the stretch of the lyrics because there is no stretch (he does have radioactive blood), but by the beats and the movement in the song and how it does steadily ratchet up the stakes and the repeating verses become more serious and less fun - well I want to see that. I want to see this song.

But then I think I am being silly and should just wait and eventually a non Richard Ashcroft song will be about Spiderman and I will vid that song then.

But I do love the Spiderman Theme. So fun. It should be illegal. And I've seen Speedracer used for both Bobby Hobbes and for tFatF -- so I think Danny Ocean as Spiderman isn't a bad stretch - especially as the song is very shiny, like him. And he *does* catch thieves in his web and he does arrive at the scene of crimes just in time, just...not how the song means.

Sigh. I am a confused vidder today.

for you

[f1renze.livejournal.com]

Re: for you

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

You are too cool! Thank you.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

My own approach, and I don't know if this helps you at all, is to make the vids that I want to make, but time their creation and/or release with the cons in mind. I would never make a vid just because I thought it would go over well at a particular con; I have to have the passion to make it, or it won't get made. But I can think to myself "The Escapade crew won't dig the Chiana vid, so I'll do the Anya vid first and the Chiana one afterward)", as I did this year.

I think of the vid and get excited about making it, and then I decide who it's for and where it might go. Like, a while ago I thought of doing a comic Spike vid to the Bee Gees' "Tragedy", and I seriously considered it, and I still kind of am. At some point, it occurred to me that it could rock Club Vivid, but I want to make Chiana first, and I seriously doubt I can complete two vids before April. So I'm letting go the CV idea for this year, and just making it when I have time to make it.

Considering the audience(s) is important, but I don't let it drive my creativity. I suspect you're too strong of will, no matter how much you love the attention (and don't we all!) to let audiences rule you.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

What is really bugging me is my complete deflatement of excitement about a particular vid idea with the realization that it *won't* be a Club Vivid vid. I was all primed to make it and then... I wasn't.

This bugs me. I think it is also indicative that I am letting the idea of the audience (This vid will go here and this vid there) drive me too much and this is possibly why I am not vidding like I was - why the rush of creativity just isn't happening. I am attempting to dictate when and where it happens and that is stifling. Maybe. Maybe I just need a candy bar...

I do think I need to step back and just stop. Stop thinking about what I am doing for any reason other than I want to do it. At least for a while.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I think that's wise. It sounds as if you'll be happier, more focused, and having more fun.

I do think, too, that once you've been to a con and seen a vid play there (assuming it does well), it's easy to feel let down by an online release. You may get more LJ comments or email feedback when you post a vid online, but it's not the same as being there in the crowd with people clapping and cheering. For me, at least, that feeling can be addictive.

A candy bar sounds good. So does the not thinking too much. (:

::hug::

[elynross.livejournal.com]

One of the things this is making me realize is that I may have some similar issues, w/ regard to my writing, but not *quite* the same. I'll have to take some time to think about how they're different, but I think it's wrapped up in my lifelong tendency to pursue some things purely for recognition. It's like... I don't write what I think will appeal, but I do fret about not writing fast enough, in popular enough fandoms, to be as interesting to people as that fame-whorish part of me would like. And I try and thwart that part, not by starving it, but by adjusting its expectations, somehow.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Well, recognition can be addictive. I *love* it, but I also need to recognize that it, in and of itself, is not a healthy motivator -- for me.

But it is easy to say this and not so easy to put it into practice. And I do realize that my best work is done when I am *not* as concerned about audience - when my primary focus is just making something that I and perhaps a few other people, like. I have fun with that, I feel like I am truer to my feelings and I just... well the work *is* better. I am actively better when I am not concerned with being better.

I wonder how much of this is also rooted just in the desire to see my vids on DVDs... cause that is still kinda new for me. And so part of me is all "I want this to show at so and so" but then there has to be another part of me that also wants to vid something for a specific show (be it premieres, or the challenge show or Club Vivid) just because I know that the vid will then be on the DVD. I don't think vidding for exposure will work for me in the short run, long run, hell any kind of run. I am way to stage frighty for that and all I will do is suceed in freaking myself out...

And yet the cognitive dissonance of wanting attention and not wanting anyone to look at me continues.

[elynross.livejournal.com]

And yet the cognitive dissonance of wanting attention and not wanting
anyone to look at me continues.

Absolutely -- and at 41, I'm *still* feeling it, and I just want to get a grip, dammit! I want that attention to be flattering, but *not matter*, and not figure in to my behavior, no matter how unconsciously. For me, it's wanting the attention, but not wanting to have the responsibilities that can come with it.

Sigh. But you're right -- it's not good for us, in any way, I don't think.

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

I know this is probably small consolation, but I've been having very similar issues with writing a specific fic specifically for a zine. *ANGST!!!*

[recycledmedia.livejournal.com]

I can't seem to vid at all right now, but I understand what you're saying. I try to vid because I love the song and can visualize a story or concept with a particular fandom and not because of recognition from viewers. It doesn't always work that way though and sometimes it becomes a factor in the editing and I have to step back and rethink. Anyway, it makes me feel better to know other vidders have the same insecurities. Maybe I'm not so strange.