Ladies And Gentleman: Welcome to the Red States!

[sisabet]

There is some kinda big to-do meeting here in my office today. From the looks of things - it is probably an agent meeting or something.

I peeked in the conference room when I came in. Damn, they get pastries. The Lexington office never provides breakfast - your lucky to get coffee. In Memphis, if they expected you to go to a meeting that started before 9am, they gave you Chik-Fil-A chicken bisquits. I used to turn my nose up at pastries and sniff "Is this all we get? Where are the chicken bisquits?"

Man, I want a danish. Maybe they'll put the ones they don't want in the breakroom after a while?

A big voiced dude just wandered into the breakroom a few minutes ago - my cubicle opens right into the room so I can hear him easily. Hell, if my cubicle had been on the other side of the building and 2 floors down I would have heard him.

He said that he didn't expect Howard Stern to live out the week. I immediately became intrigued cause I have a sick and morbid fascination with The Dead Pool and dude - *that* is a long story. One that I'll skip for once. So, I'm all listening and then he says that Howard Stern just called Bush an arrogant bastard on the air.

Gasp!

Shock!

Oh no he di'n't!! Howard talking trash about Bush?

I started to pipe up that Stern calling him an arrogant bastard was much better than what I called Bush just last night, but then I realized that no one likes the smart mouthed girl in cubicle A. Shut your mouth and get back to work.

So I did. Or actually, I went back to reading my personal email, since I was still pissed at the company for no longer giving me danishes. Then the big-voiced guy started preaching on about something -- and I mean literally preaching cause I heard Jesus brought into it. Now, poor Jesus - he gets brought into everything around here and even I am known to drag him along just outta sheer lazyness. I mean, he *is* a handy dandy all-purpose excuse: Why is something the way it is? Because Jesus wants it that way. Then you nod solemnly and keep your eyes wide open and don't blink. It wins many arguments here. If only I was joking.

So anyway he is going on and on about Jesus and apparently they are on very intimate terms, although to tell you the truth, I'm pretty tight with Jesus myself and I have never heard of this other guy. Not that I'd try to put words in Jesus's mouth or anything - I leave that task to the Southern Baptists. If this guy feels he has a friend in Jesus, than maybe he does. Oh - maybe he is hanging with Buddy Christ? Cause Buddy Christ is your pal, y'know.

Well apparently Jesus is really big on interpreting the Constitution for this guy. Man, see - my American History AP class in high school could have gone so much easier if only I had known that Jesus was a civics buff. Dude, "Cheating Off the Son of God" - I'd have written that song and it would be a Bluegrass hit and I wouldn't have to be sitting here now, avoiding my job. If only I had known! So anyway, Jesus told this guy that there is nothing about the separation of Church and State in the Constitution. Now, I don't wanna call Jesus a liar, and I don't want anyone else to do so either, so I will just quickly point out that apparently Jesus has never read The Bill of Rights. Or maybe he just hasn't mentioned that to this guy. Which is strange since I am fairly certain he knows all about the Right to Bear Arms. Or is it Bare Arms? Cause in the summertime in Memphis that is totally a God-Given Right. Sometimes certain things are so important you have to go over Jesus's head, if you know what I am saying.

Then the guy starts going on about the entire reason this country was founded was because the Pilgrims wanted to have a God-based government. Which, is a very creative intepretation of how the United States of America came into being. Here I thought the whole Pilgrim thing started a hundred years before the Declaration of Independence and the main instigator of the colonies wanting to become a separate entity from England was due to taxation without representation. Also - it is very good to know that the founding fathers were all Pilgrims. Now I can picture them in those cute little buckle hats when I mentally reflect on July 4, 1776 and trust me - everyone is 10% more adorable when put in a little Buckle Pilgrim Hat. This is a lesson that I learned watching children's Thanksgiving Plays. So cute.

::pictures Puppet Angel in a little Buckle Pilgrim Hat::

Oh, my!

Nice to know that Georgia was never part of the founding of this nation. Or maybe there were a lot more Pilgrims in Georgia than I ever knew. Seems to me that Darla was not a Pilgrim, she was a whore, but she was from Virginia and I think Virginia was probably all infested with Pilgrims. Darla probably would have been happier in Georgia with all the thieves and societal rejects, but I'm sure she made so much more money in Virgia with those Pilgrims. Kinda like how the Southern Baptists have their convention in New Orleans and that is the escort services busiest weekend of the year. It is like the sex-trade's version of the day after Thanksgiving shopping. And dude - see that analogy - how it all brings it back to the Pilgrims? Yes - circular is a good thing.

Now for a few disclaimers:

If you are Southern Baptist and I have offended you with this post, you should probably just unfriend me now, cause I don't get any better and I'm not especially sorry for picking on your sect. I've been picked on by plenty of SB's in the day so it all evens out, but I understand if you don't see it that way. But I'm still not sorry.

If you are Jesus and I have offended you with this post then stop pretending to be Jesus and leave me alone. Jesus loves me. Trust me. They wrote a song about it and everything, dude gets a kick out of my sense of humor, so get over it.

If you are a Pilgrim and feel I have mocked and reduced your religion to being nothing more than about a (extremely precious) buckle hat - then dude! Speak up! What are you doing reading LJ and come talk to me! I have never met a Pilgrim before (closest I came was watching the Angel episode "Somnambulist" and I can't help but wonder if Penn was an accurate reflection of an actual Pilgrim. Or rather, a Pilgrim in vampire form and really, isn't that just a wonderful concept? I heart my dead gay show). So, do you have a hat?

Comments

[rubywisp.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're killing me with this. In the best way. I think I might end up in a good enough mood to deal with work semi-reasonably now, thanks to you.

And I want to see puppet!Angel in that hat, dammit.

[emstardust.livejournal.com]

Dude, I am neither a SB, Jesus or a Pilgrim, but I feel your pain. I grew up in Alabama surrounded by hords (swarms?) of them. I once spent a painful half hour in my college dorm listening to two college SBs argue about whether kissing your fiance before the wedding was a sin.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Pilgrim Jesus was a Southern Baptist.

:nods solemnly, unblinking:

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

They shoulda put Buddy Christ in a Pilgrim hat cause that would have been too cute.

Sigh. Almost as cute as Buddy Christ in a Santa Hat at Christmas, but without the strange irony.

[crickwooder.livejournal.com]

So anyway he is going on and on about Jesus and apparently they are on very intimate terms, although to tell you the truth, I'm pretty tight with Jesus myself and I have never heard of this other guy.

Bwah ha! Poor Jesus. He's like those people that get famous and all of a sudden those bullies that picked on them in high school are all over their VH1 specials. You know if he ever came back, those people would be all "Peace? I got a piece of something for ya" and bam. And then there would be smiting. That would be fun.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

See, I think Jesus would be all, "Smiting? That is so lame. That is like my Dad's thing. Whatever."

Although small, limited amounts of highly focused smiting could be quite entertaining.

[herself_nyc]

This made me laugh unbecomingly at the office.

God, I could not imagine living where you do.

If I did, someone would probably ask to see my horns every couple of days, right?

[zoniduck.livejournal.com]

This was the first post on my Friends page when I logged on here at work, and an excellent way to start the day. Thanks!

[coffeeandink.livejournal.com]

::pictures Puppet Angel in a little Buckle Pilgrim Hat::

Mooooom! Sisabet broke me!

Okay, this is the part where I show I have no sense of humor:

I have never met a Pilgrim before (closest I came was watching the Angel episode "Somnambulist" and I can't help but wonder if Penn was an accurate reflection of an actual Pilgrim. Or rather, a Pilgrim in vampire form and really, isn't that just a wonderful concept? I heart my dead gay show).

I'm pretty sure Penn wasn't a Pilgrim per se. Actually, given historical accuracy on Angel, I am sure of no such thing. (I love my dead gay show, despite or possibly because of its frequent historical inaccuracies.) I forget whether he was in England or the US, but in any case, the Pilgrims were a Puritan sect. Penn would have been named after William Penn, who founded Pennsylvania as an experiment for the Society of Friends, more commonly known as Quakers. Both the Quakers and the Puritans were religious dissidents in England who believed in that faith required following the dictates of personal conscience (they criticized the mediation by an entirely separate priesthood class in Catholicism) and were more egalitarian in gender matters than the Anglican mainstream. For the Pilgrims, this basically meant insisting on sexual chastity for both genders and on feeling that women, too, were capable of enlightenment and religious insight. They were still extremely patriarchical The Quakers actually approached the contemporary view -- women were considered equal to men and could lead their prayer meetings as well as speak in them, and the meetings themselves were based in a kind of consensus rather than the authority-led meetings the Pilgrims kept from the Anglican Church. The other big difference was that Quakers were devoted to pacificism.

If you are actually interested in this, and not, you know, just humoring me by getting to the end of this paragraph, I recommend David Fischer's Albion's Seed, which argues that the Colonies were settled in four distinct migrations from different parts of England, and that characteristics of the subsequent states have still been shaped by this to the present day. And I've just made that sound really dull, but what Fischer is talking about is characteristic attitudes towards sex and death and characteristic ways of handling childbirth, childrearing, food, and shelter. He makes some intriguing linkages between, say, the incidence of violence and sex crimes in the original areas in England and the rates of the same in different parts of the contemporary US.

I think he sometimes simplifies things, and when it comes to saying "And it's like this to this *very day*" I think he's too prone to ignoring new influences in the intervening time period to make his point. But all the details about the different colonial lives are fascinating.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Man, I so am interested in this - so cool. New book to go hunt down.

Also - see I love the Quakers and I knew it just wasn't cause of the oatmeal - although the oatmeal is good too.

Mainly, the reason I think Penn is a Puritan is because he says he was one. At least, I think he does. I *just* watched Somnalbulist this weekend and I can swear he makes mention of it - the scene in Angel's office...I can check.

[luminosity]

Actually, where I'm from, Jesus is a nondenominational, charismatic holy roller who knocks people down with the power of merely a touch, or even a *look*--which, of course, he and the H.S. give to the more deserving of the flock. Not only that, he uses these deserving sheep to impart lots of admonishments and exhortations and prophecies to his chosen few. Sometimes? They're even correct.

And? He needs money. He misremembers his own New Testament where, in the heat of his ministry, he forgot to mention tithing when he was redoing all of his Dad's rules and regulations. On the one hand, he tells us to live by his new rules, but when money's tight, he brings up all that 10%+ stuff, but you know? He just doesn't accept sheep and goats and doves and stuff anymore. Now? Now he wants a cashier's check. Not only that, but he reminds us that he ripped up the last church he was in, and when he died, the big decorative piece in the front of the temple lost its warranty. Personally, I'd like to see an expense account.

[luminosity]

PS. FWIW, I think if Jesus were really all that concerned about this guy and the office meeting, he would have made sure that you had Cinnabuns.

[way2busymom.livejournal.com]

Just a couple of comments....

Hmmm....danish but no Krispe Kreme? Is that allowed in the south?

I don't have a Pilgrim Hat, I do have a red & white cat in the hat chapeau that is quite fetching.

Once knew a fellow with a booming voice. Deep, rich, could be heard a half a mile away. His favorite thing to say was...."Hey buddy, been getting any?" Did not matter who it was....male, female, straight, gay, university president, fellow construction worker. All received the same inquiry in the same booming voice. And your response was repeated & commented on in the same booming voice for an extensive period of time. Always fun. Chip. Great fella.

That's all.

[flyingtapes.livejournal.com]

Heh. Amusing 'cause it's true. I'm in Kentucky; I get this all the friggin' time.

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

*laughing almost too hard to type*

heres_luck made me come read this. And she was right.

[heresluck]

Of *course* I'm right. Jeez.

*g*

[momentsintime.livejournal.com]

nope Ga. is where they sent all the bad guys
*ewg* and yep I was raised there

I am a recovering Catholic and dude.....I am offended
you so didn't tear us AA Catholics down
where is the jabs at us!
we so deserve them too

humor me, spent another all-niter with the kid so my mind is way off

and btw Angel just called me to let me inform you his one true love is Xander
only Xander
he and Spike never ever ever even touched
because that is just ewwww!

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Hee - Angel/Xander is hot. Seriously, if you had me pick Spike or Xander I's go for Xander every. single. time.

Nuke the Gay Whales for Jesus

[smartwomn1.livejournal.com]

No, I'm not Southern Baptist, a pilgrim, or Jesus - although my grandmother was a member of the DAR, which was embarassing enough. (She tried to buy us membership and we were like "Ew, get that away from me!"
I think Howard Stern is found below pond scum, so I would have missed his totally accurate characterization of the shrub -- it's good that Big Voice was around to share with you (and by extension all of us).
Wonderful post!

[ethrosdemon.livejournal.com]

As a pilgram I want to state that I only have buckles on my shoes, you ignorant filth. I wear a fetching cap on my head which is needlepointed with the commandment to respect my father and mother since I sassed them back one when I was eleven.

You are obviously a witch, and when we find you, you will be PUNISHED!!! It's hellfire for you, missy.

[laurashalo.livejournal.com]

Ah, pastries.

I swear, Jesus is the most overused source for the uninformed. Saying that the Lord has your back just doesn't cut it, argument-wise.

[jainieg.livejournal.com]

So, I'm all listening and then he says that Howard Stern just called Bush an arrogant bastard on the air.

*ragged gasp* Good lord! Somebody get Rumsfeld after that guy! Y'know, I betcha he's hiding WMDs in his hair. *wide-eyed nodding*

Pfft. ITA. I've called Bush far worse things just talking with my mother (and then she usually goes, "Jain!" and I go, "WHAT?! He is!", but I digress). Free speech is a pretty thing and we pet it and love on it lots.

And, really, nothing against the south, 'cos duh, I was born in it and still live in it (though, oddly enough, people don't really consider Florida part of the south, which I guess is true - it's an atmosphere kinda thing - we're in the south, but we're not southerners, kinda like New Orleans). Still, I remember going to visit my half-bro and his family up in Alabama (where, back then, the area they lived in was out in the totally boonies), and coming from Florida (after having lived there for over half my life), it was like using Pebody's Wayback machine, man. And not in the fun way. And that was before I got my tattoos and dyed my hair black and turned into a liberalgothygayfreak. Then again, people stare at me down here, too.

After staying with them for a couple of weeks, I'd head back home and it'd be like 'okay, back to civilization'. I mean, it was restful and peaceful because there was nothing out there, but... I like Starbucks and Barnes & Noble and ... stuff!

Okay, I'm hungry. Off to order myself some food. *toddles off*

[momentsintime.livejournal.com]

you're a Florida girl too!!

we'd be Southern if them damn Yanks would just stay up in the snow belt!

the nerve of them!

[chantal87.livejournal.com]

God Help me I really should be doing something besides playing with photoshop.


You were right he looks precious as a pilgrim.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Oh. My.

See, I am right. Everyone is 10% cuter with a Pilgrim hat. Even Puppet Angel - and the previously held belief was Puppet Angel was at the very zenith of cuteness and could not be surpassed.

I feel this is a groundbreaking day for Science.

[moonanstars.livejournal.com]

*giggles madly*

Oh man, whee brought back flashbacks of my years in the south.

and darn you for making me laugh out loud in the cubicle farm and make everyone think I'm crazier than I already am.

*continues giggling*

I'm sure it's a coincidence

[aexia.livejournal.com]

but Clear Channel didn't drop Stern until he really started going after Bush. He'd be slowly stewing against Bush for a while but it wasn't until recently that he started rolling out the big guns.

Suddenly, Howard Stern has found to be *gasp* obscene!

Nice timing there.

I love you.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

That's all.

[http://users.livejournal.com/lady_alatariel_/]

OMG. I love you! That was hilarious.
Also, I want a puppet!Angel in a pilgrim hat, or an Indian costume, like with a feather, or both and then the Indian could show the pilgrim how to grow corn and then the Pilgrim would kill the Indian because it is a savage, or something

[http://users.livejournal.com/lady_alatariel_/]

I was also like to add that in kindergarten i played a pilgrim. And I had a hat. However, I was a "pilgrim lady" so my hat did not have a buckle on it. damn
But my sister was a turket, HA

[caille.livejournal.com]

This is the Perfect LJ Entry. This is awesome. I love you.

the passion of the buddy christ

[undercoverbro.livejournal.com]

I don't have Photoshop or a Pilgrim hat handy, but here ya go.

Re: the passion of the buddy christ

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Aw man. You always come throughM/i> UB!!

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

But, you have to admit - sometimes Evangelical Christians can come up with something inspired and brilliant.

http://community-2.webtv.net/Wanda48/WhatAboutBones/

I have been saved.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

I was okay until I got to the Starving Children Pic - It looks like that is the bucket that Bones throws all the starving children in!!!

I was gasping so hard that people had to come check on me.

[needfire.livejournal.com]

I have to admit I get a real kick out of the posts from my American friends. I'm Irish and I can honestly say that if any one attempted to win an argument with the Jesus-says-so line they would find themselves laughed out of the pub. I have never had anyone [apart from the strange pets that go door to door] bring up Jesus in the middle of a discussion . We do the politics and religion arguments all the time [we're Irish! we argue these topics in the womb!] but putting words in the mouth of Jesus, who we pretty much agree was a grand fella who died a rebel trying to bring down the establishment is something that would never occur to us. I cannot wait to try the wide eyed Jesus says so line at my next meeting with the lads. Feckin brilliant.