Ladies And Gentleman: Welcome to the Red States!

[sisabet]

There is some kinda big to-do meeting here in my office today. From the looks of things - it is probably an agent meeting or something.

I peeked in the conference room when I came in. Damn, they get pastries. The Lexington office never provides breakfast - your lucky to get coffee. In Memphis, if they expected you to go to a meeting that started before 9am, they gave you Chik-Fil-A chicken bisquits. I used to turn my nose up at pastries and sniff "Is this all we get? Where are the chicken bisquits?"

Man, I want a danish. Maybe they'll put the ones they don't want in the breakroom after a while?

A big voiced dude just wandered into the breakroom a few minutes ago - my cubicle opens right into the room so I can hear him easily. Hell, if my cubicle had been on the other side of the building and 2 floors down I would have heard him.

He said that he didn't expect Howard Stern to live out the week. I immediately became intrigued cause I have a sick and morbid fascination with The Dead Pool and dude - *that* is a long story. One that I'll skip for once. So, I'm all listening and then he says that Howard Stern just called Bush an arrogant bastard on the air.

Gasp!

Shock!

Oh no he di'n't!! Howard talking trash about Bush?

I started to pipe up that Stern calling him an arrogant bastard was much better than what I called Bush just last night, but then I realized that no one likes the smart mouthed girl in cubicle A. Shut your mouth and get back to work.

So I did. Or actually, I went back to reading my personal email, since I was still pissed at the company for no longer giving me danishes. Then the big-voiced guy started preaching on about something -- and I mean literally preaching cause I heard Jesus brought into it. Now, poor Jesus - he gets brought into everything around here and even I am known to drag him along just outta sheer lazyness. I mean, he *is* a handy dandy all-purpose excuse: Why is something the way it is? Because Jesus wants it that way. Then you nod solemnly and keep your eyes wide open and don't blink. It wins many arguments here. If only I was joking.

So anyway he is going on and on about Jesus and apparently they are on very intimate terms, although to tell you the truth, I'm pretty tight with Jesus myself and I have never heard of this other guy. Not that I'd try to put words in Jesus's mouth or anything - I leave that task to the Southern Baptists. If this guy feels he has a friend in Jesus, than maybe he does. Oh - maybe he is hanging with Buddy Christ? Cause Buddy Christ is your pal, y'know.

Well apparently Jesus is really big on interpreting the Constitution for this guy. Man, see - my American History AP class in high school could have gone so much easier if only I had known that Jesus was a civics buff. Dude, "Cheating Off the Son of God" - I'd have written that song and it would be a Bluegrass hit and I wouldn't have to be sitting here now, avoiding my job. If only I had known! So anyway, Jesus told this guy that there is nothing about the separation of Church and State in the Constitution. Now, I don't wanna call Jesus a liar, and I don't want anyone else to do so either, so I will just quickly point out that apparently Jesus has never read The Bill of Rights. Or maybe he just hasn't mentioned that to this guy. Which is strange since I am fairly certain he knows all about the Right to Bear Arms. Or is it Bare Arms? Cause in the summertime in Memphis that is totally a God-Given Right. Sometimes certain things are so important you have to go over Jesus's head, if you know what I am saying.

Then the guy starts going on about the entire reason this country was founded was because the Pilgrims wanted to have a God-based government. Which, is a very creative intepretation of how the United States of America came into being. Here I thought the whole Pilgrim thing started a hundred years before the Declaration of Independence and the main instigator of the colonies wanting to become a separate entity from England was due to taxation without representation. Also - it is very good to know that the founding fathers were all Pilgrims. Now I can picture them in those cute little buckle hats when I mentally reflect on July 4, 1776 and trust me - everyone is 10% more adorable when put in a little Buckle Pilgrim Hat. This is a lesson that I learned watching children's Thanksgiving Plays. So cute.

::pictures Puppet Angel in a little Buckle Pilgrim Hat::

Oh, my!

Nice to know that Georgia was never part of the founding of this nation. Or maybe there were a lot more Pilgrims in Georgia than I ever knew. Seems to me that Darla was not a Pilgrim, she was a whore, but she was from Virginia and I think Virginia was probably all infested with Pilgrims. Darla probably would have been happier in Georgia with all the thieves and societal rejects, but I'm sure she made so much more money in Virgia with those Pilgrims. Kinda like how the Southern Baptists have their convention in New Orleans and that is the escort services busiest weekend of the year. It is like the sex-trade's version of the day after Thanksgiving shopping. And dude - see that analogy - how it all brings it back to the Pilgrims? Yes - circular is a good thing.

Now for a few disclaimers:

If you are Southern Baptist and I have offended you with this post, you should probably just unfriend me now, cause I don't get any better and I'm not especially sorry for picking on your sect. I've been picked on by plenty of SB's in the day so it all evens out, but I understand if you don't see it that way. But I'm still not sorry.

If you are Jesus and I have offended you with this post then stop pretending to be Jesus and leave me alone. Jesus loves me. Trust me. They wrote a song about it and everything, dude gets a kick out of my sense of humor, so get over it.

If you are a Pilgrim and feel I have mocked and reduced your religion to being nothing more than about a (extremely precious) buckle hat - then dude! Speak up! What are you doing reading LJ and come talk to me! I have never met a Pilgrim before (closest I came was watching the Angel episode "Somnambulist" and I can't help but wonder if Penn was an accurate reflection of an actual Pilgrim. Or rather, a Pilgrim in vampire form and really, isn't that just a wonderful concept? I heart my dead gay show). So, do you have a hat?

Comments

[rubywisp.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're killing me with this. In the best way. I think I might end up in a good enough mood to deal with work semi-reasonably now, thanks to you.

And I want to see puppet!Angel in that hat, dammit.

[emstardust.livejournal.com]

Dude, I am neither a SB, Jesus or a Pilgrim, but I feel your pain. I grew up in Alabama surrounded by hords (swarms?) of them. I once spent a painful half hour in my college dorm listening to two college SBs argue about whether kissing your fiance before the wedding was a sin.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Pilgrim Jesus was a Southern Baptist.

:nods solemnly, unblinking:

[crickwooder.livejournal.com]

So anyway he is going on and on about Jesus and apparently they are on very intimate terms, although to tell you the truth, I'm pretty tight with Jesus myself and I have never heard of this other guy.

Bwah ha! Poor Jesus. He's like those people that get famous and all of a sudden those bullies that picked on them in high school are all over their VH1 specials. You know if he ever came back, those people would be all "Peace? I got a piece of something for ya" and bam. And then there would be smiting. That would be fun.

[herself_nyc]

This made me laugh unbecomingly at the office.

God, I could not imagine living where you do.

If I did, someone would probably ask to see my horns every couple of days, right?

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

They shoulda put Buddy Christ in a Pilgrim hat cause that would have been too cute.

Sigh. Almost as cute as Buddy Christ in a Santa Hat at Christmas, but without the strange irony.

[zoniduck.livejournal.com]

This was the first post on my Friends page when I logged on here at work, and an excellent way to start the day. Thanks!

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

See, I think Jesus would be all, "Smiting? That is so lame. That is like my Dad's thing. Whatever."

Although small, limited amounts of highly focused smiting could be quite entertaining.

[coffeeandink.livejournal.com]

::pictures Puppet Angel in a little Buckle Pilgrim Hat::

Mooooom! Sisabet broke me!

Okay, this is the part where I show I have no sense of humor:

I have never met a Pilgrim before (closest I came was watching the Angel episode "Somnambulist" and I can't help but wonder if Penn was an accurate reflection of an actual Pilgrim. Or rather, a Pilgrim in vampire form and really, isn't that just a wonderful concept? I heart my dead gay show).

I'm pretty sure Penn wasn't a Pilgrim per se. Actually, given historical accuracy on Angel, I am sure of no such thing. (I love my dead gay show, despite or possibly because of its frequent historical inaccuracies.) I forget whether he was in England or the US, but in any case, the Pilgrims were a Puritan sect. Penn would have been named after William Penn, who founded Pennsylvania as an experiment for the Society of Friends, more commonly known as Quakers. Both the Quakers and the Puritans were religious dissidents in England who believed in that faith required following the dictates of personal conscience (they criticized the mediation by an entirely separate priesthood class in Catholicism) and were more egalitarian in gender matters than the Anglican mainstream. For the Pilgrims, this basically meant insisting on sexual chastity for both genders and on feeling that women, too, were capable of enlightenment and religious insight. They were still extremely patriarchical The Quakers actually approached the contemporary view -- women were considered equal to men and could lead their prayer meetings as well as speak in them, and the meetings themselves were based in a kind of consensus rather than the authority-led meetings the Pilgrims kept from the Anglican Church. The other big difference was that Quakers were devoted to pacificism.

If you are actually interested in this, and not, you know, just humoring me by getting to the end of this paragraph, I recommend David Fischer's Albion's Seed, which argues that the Colonies were settled in four distinct migrations from different parts of England, and that characteristics of the subsequent states have still been shaped by this to the present day. And I've just made that sound really dull, but what Fischer is talking about is characteristic attitudes towards sex and death and characteristic ways of handling childbirth, childrearing, food, and shelter. He makes some intriguing linkages between, say, the incidence of violence and sex crimes in the original areas in England and the rates of the same in different parts of the contemporary US.

I think he sometimes simplifies things, and when it comes to saying "And it's like this to this *very day*" I think he's too prone to ignoring new influences in the intervening time period to make his point. But all the details about the different colonial lives are fascinating.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Man, I so am interested in this - so cool. New book to go hunt down.

Also - see I love the Quakers and I knew it just wasn't cause of the oatmeal - although the oatmeal is good too.

Mainly, the reason I think Penn is a Puritan is because he says he was one. At least, I think he does. I *just* watched Somnalbulist this weekend and I can swear he makes mention of it - the scene in Angel's office...I can check.

[crickwooder.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, that's a good point. He'd need his own shtick.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I *had* to share this with you, after our discussion of Puppet Ministries:

http://www.livejournal.com/community/metaquotes/831059.html

example quote: "A sock puppet running around screaming "HELL SUCKS! WHY DID I FUCK THAT HOT CHICK THAT PASSED OUT ON MY COUCH???" would maybe have kept me from damning myself."

[luminosity]

Actually, where I'm from, Jesus is a nondenominational, charismatic holy roller who knocks people down with the power of merely a touch, or even a *look*--which, of course, he and the H.S. give to the more deserving of the flock. Not only that, he uses these deserving sheep to impart lots of admonishments and exhortations and prophecies to his chosen few. Sometimes? They're even correct.

And? He needs money. He misremembers his own New Testament where, in the heat of his ministry, he forgot to mention tithing when he was redoing all of his Dad's rules and regulations. On the one hand, he tells us to live by his new rules, but when money's tight, he brings up all that 10%+ stuff, but you know? He just doesn't accept sheep and goats and doves and stuff anymore. Now? Now he wants a cashier's check. Not only that, but he reminds us that he ripped up the last church he was in, and when he died, the big decorative piece in the front of the temple lost its warranty. Personally, I'd like to see an expense account.

[luminosity]

PS. FWIW, I think if Jesus were really all that concerned about this guy and the office meeting, he would have made sure that you had Cinnabuns.

[way2busymom.livejournal.com]

Just a couple of comments....

Hmmm....danish but no Krispe Kreme? Is that allowed in the south?

I don't have a Pilgrim Hat, I do have a red & white cat in the hat chapeau that is quite fetching.

Once knew a fellow with a booming voice. Deep, rich, could be heard a half a mile away. His favorite thing to say was...."Hey buddy, been getting any?" Did not matter who it was....male, female, straight, gay, university president, fellow construction worker. All received the same inquiry in the same booming voice. And your response was repeated & commented on in the same booming voice for an extensive period of time. Always fun. Chip. Great fella.

That's all.

[coffeeandink.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you're right. I love my dead gay historically ignorant show. *sob*

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

I was once at one of those Super-Duper-Mega Churches in Memphis and they had an ATM right in the foyer by the santuary. Dawn had to restrain me from a rant about money-lenders in the temple. But dude! I'm still freaked and aghast.

He just doesn't accept sheep and goats and doves and stuff anymore.

Hee - you know those guys tithing a goat or a duck were picking like the crappiest livestock they had, too. It's like I'd offer up the "Sorority Boys" DVD and the old VCR that eats tapes. If I could.

I consider any charitable contribution tithing since I was told by the man who insisted that tithing is my duty that God is everywhere. Now he didn't say this in conjunction with the sermon on tithing, but never underestimate my ability to extrapolate.

Now, email me details of whether or not a vid is taking hold.

[flyingtapes.livejournal.com]

Heh. Amusing 'cause it's true. I'm in Kentucky; I get this all the friggin' time.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Well actually, Penn just says he is a puritan and they are probably still in England (cause it doesn't look like a colony town - but it could be Boston, -right?), but I like it when Angel travels overseas so I make Penn a Puritan and a Pilgrim until they tell me otherwise.

Mainly, the more I can place Angel in North America before the 1900's the more and more likely I am to get an Angel/Spike 1880's Old West flashback. Imagine the possibilities. Imagine the chaps. The horses. The gutted saloons. The big iron bathtubs big enough for two.

*swoon*

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Yeah - and Jesus's shtick is all pinkie-liberal commie shit like "Love Thy Neighbor" and stuff like that.

Jesus is the Barney of dieties. Which makes all the war and maiming and killing kinda ironic.

[luminosity]

Why don't they ever bring up Party!Jesus? The guy who liked to have a good time and drink and let women wash his feet and stuff? And the dude who rode a donkey into town, just for the effect? And I want to know just when it was that Jesus told all of these SB's that their new churches should have sanctuaries that doubled as basketball courts? I guess that happened around the same time he singled them all out and told them that, although David discoed up a storm, they couldn't dance anymore because David showed his butt and embarrassed his oh-so-hoity-toity wife.

Just sayin...

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Which wife was it that David embarrassed? Cause in order to enforce that, ya gotta have multiple wives to show up.

And I want to know just when it was that Jesus told all of these SB's that their new churches should have sanctuaries that doubled as basketball courts?

Oh - you didn't get the memo? Apparently the only way to Christ is now not only the dunking but also a rousing game of HORSE. Who knew? Those poor heathens with the misfortune to be born before the invention of basketball. Why, they are all rotting hell, y'know. Or will as soon as the Rapture releases their souls or something like that.

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

Mainly, the more I can place Angel in North America before the 1900's the more and more likely I am to get an Angel/Spike 1880's Old West flashback. Imagine the possibilities. Imagine the chaps. The horses. The gutted saloons. The big iron bathtubs big enough for two.

Um.... guh? *passes out from the hotness*

[luminosity]

It was his snooty wife Michal. After David finished his dancefloor solo and sent everyone home with the leftovers, she met him at their bedroom door and said something like, "Well, weren't you cute, showing your ass to all of the downstairs help!" David got really snotty and said he'd show his ass for God whenever he wanted, and wouldn't have sex with her anymore, and she had that biological clock thing going, and he let it run out on her. David was *harsh*, man. Harsh. But, since Michal's daddy was Saul, I think there was more than just the dancing and screwing on the table there.

I'll have to add that to the list. Let's see... Baptism by complete immersion; basketball; the KJV bible; and a covered dish! Oh wait. The covered dish is Lutheran, isn't it? Or has it made its way into the rule book for SB's, too?

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

*laughing almost too hard to type*

heres_luck made me come read this. And she was right.