La, La, La, I'm a Big Ole Sap, La, La, La...

[sisabet]

There is a new video up at Headtilt...what to say, what to say...see my new icon that mrmonkeybottoms made me? I am the Icon Queen and I will frivolously post with the best now! But that isn't about the vid, is it?

I have issues. Big honking Issues with a capital "I". I also have baggage - so much so that I can't even call 'em carry-ons anymore. I'm not that comfortable around True Love and Emotion. I tend to like Hate-Filled Lust and Scorn. Call me crazy but that's my kink. Or so I thought. Then I read rachelanton73's "The Great and Terrible," or Spillowgel to us fans, and the sweeter the S/A stuff got the more I got sucked in... Apparently I do have a soft spot. I'm like the Grinch on Christmas morning but I am not at all happy about joining the Whozits or Whatzits or whatever those happy freaks were called. I'll enjoy the festivities from my corner over here. If Scrooge were real he would be crawling around inside at his nephew's home Christmas Day, dying to leave. He would still be filled with hearty cheer and goodwill - but expressing it? *shudder* Maybe he did get freaked out, I can't really remember...I remember the very special Christmas Carol episode of "WKRP In Cincinnatti" but I can't remember this. Or my point.

Oh yeah - Brian and Justin. Well that just melted my cold little heart right away now didn't it? I was powerless. So much so that when I started my "Brian Kinney Is Cold Mutha-Fucking Badass" vid to "Battleflag" it kept going shippy. Well - ya'll know, some of you have seen what I cut. What you don't know is that even after I cut the Shipper Saga portion, I still couldn't vid "Battleflag." Well, I was vidding something but it wasn't "Battleflag." I was out of control. Every line related to B/J.
An example:

Dawn: I really don't think that clip works there.

Me: But it is so *cute*

Dawn: It's adorable, but it doesn't really fit the line "Is it time for your mutha-fuckin' ass to give" - At least not to me.

Me: But...Ice cream kisses...it's time for Brian's mutha-fucking ass to give Justin ice cream kisses.

Dawn: Maybe you should work on something else for now...

Me: Must. Vid. Ice. Cream. Kisses.

This was when we were moving and I was highly stressed, Dawn was highly stressed. The dog was stressed - have I mentioned that we were stressed? And I was listening to the mix-CD that heres_luck made me ("Twenty Songs About Lust, Longing and Pain" - and god I *heart* her) pretty much constantly. And the first track was just so...well all the tracks were just, y'know - but I kept going back to the first one, this Afghan Whigs song that I had never heard before and it was really wanting to be vidded - the music really wanted to be made a vid. And it was really wanting to be a Brian/Justin Shipper Vid and dear God - I made a shipper vid. Not just a shipper vid but a full on kissing, loving, happy to be together (with some angst - thank God for that)and I started it as stress relief and now that it is finished I have no idea how to take it. It doesn't feel like something I would do - but it obviously is, as I did it. This is a side of me that exists, but that I am not comfortable with as she is practically a stranger. It's weird sharing this with everyone as well, since again - I'm not entirely comfortable here. It's like wearing a bathing suit that doesn't quite fit. If it fit, I would still be nervous and antsy but at least I would be covered.

So here it is:

http://www.sisabet.com/qaf/66.zip

The song is "66" by the Afghan Whigs. drdawn played a huge part in the finished product as I got to the point where I was freaking out about showing it to anyone.

Spoilers through the end of season 3

Comments

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

*Ponders if a life free of existential crises would really be living... wonders if beer is causing overthinkage?*

It's one thing to make a vid I like to watch and keep it on my hard drive for me. This is just - out there now. But I'm okay with it. I am. I need to lie down for a moment but I'm okay.