Not So Good Day and the Lessons Learned

[sisabet]

Sudden realization today that I often confuse hungry, thirsty, and sleepy. Also, I could either be having a panic attack or my heart rate could just be elevated because I got upset right before lunch and then lunch was strange and then I got upset again after lunch and in order to detail exactly what I feel- I'll probably have to make twenty-thousand posts so no time like the present to get started, huh?

I am sleepy. Actually - not sleepy. I couldn't close my eyes if you paid me. I am tired. I didn't know I was tired until I ate and drank a glass of water, there was a process of elimination that had to be followed. How did I get to thirty and become so disassociated from my own physicality that I don't know these things? Don't answer - I already know, but that is a post for another day. Or fodder for therapy. One or the other, I should probably talk about it. But not now.

I think what is happening right now is just an emotional response on top of being wrung out and hyper. Bad stuff happening to good people in my vicinity and it is breaking my heart. We had a picnic today (the office did) and I showed up late because of said bad stuff with a co-worker. It just sucks. Then I sat at the picnic and just felt strange and out of place and someone said something along the lines of "Liz, you are always so cheerful!" and in another conversation someone remarked how much they hated this job and I readily and adamently agreed and, the entire conversation just stopped. The whole table looked at me - all members of my team - and the girl that put her resignation in yesterday said that she didn't believe me. Everyone agreed that I loved this job.

I made up and excuse, that I had to wash my car, and left the picnic early. I just... I spend at least 55-60 hours a week with these people. More if you count lunch. I'm not a silent person by nature - I talk, about myself. I think I talk about myself. I know everything in the world about them. I know who their high school boyfriends were, I know why their first marriage broke up, I know what financial aid packages their daughter got for college, I know why they aren't having another child, I know who their dog's vet is and what his last visit was for, I know why they cancelled their engagement and I know the chemo treatment schedule for their loved one.

And I do not love my job. I am grateful to have this job. I do not love this job.

I'm frequently in a lousy mood and just a few days ago I had a funk that lasted weeks and apparently no one noticed. I should be relieved but instead I just feel incredibly lonely.

And it isn't as if I don't have people to talk to - I do and I talk. All the time. Just, apparently not here. At all. Maybe if I didn't have the LJ it would be different, I'd open up more with these guys but I just don't think that is it. They are open with me - that is for damned sure. Maybe I just don't have time to confide, what with their traumas and dramas which easily trump my minor irritations or worries.

So there was that.

And I went to get my car washed and I went to Jeff's Car Wash on Nicholasville Rd and got out and paid for the express wash - which does not include anything but the wash and I waited for my car to come around and when it came out a bunch of young men descended upon it with towels and I didn't pay for the towel dry. I didn't stop them, either - I thought it was nice and decided that I'd come here again and up the package I'd buy and then I went to the tip box and stuck the $2.00 the towel dry would have cost in it and that is when the old lady cashier came out and stalked up to me and asked if the black car was mine and I told her yes and was there a problem? She didn't answer - just went and grabbed an older man that I assume was the supervisor and started yelling about how this was the second time those ____ had done this today.

That's when I really felt terrible. Cause these guys - if any of them was over 20 and spoke English, I'd be shocked - these guys got in trouble because of my car and I didn't stop them and quickly explain that I did not pay for the towel dry. And I could have - my language skills are not much but they encompass that simple phrase. Instead, I thought it was cool and that, yeah - I did want the towel dry (PRETTY CAR) and from now on I'll remember this and make certain I purchase the towel dry.

But I should have stopped them because I knew I didn't pay for that.

And now I am angry at Jeff's for not using a better system to inform their employees about what each car has purchased. Yes - the reciept saying Express was in my car - but how hard would it be to mark that with a highligher or and X or somethng that *everyone* would know meant "No Towel Dry"? I mean - let's just go postal on these kids who are out there in the hot sun busting their asses. Dammit.

So yeah - now I feel better and it isn't a panic attack. I was just upset. I should have been upset. Everything that happened today is something that I find disturbing. This is an appropriate response. The guilt I feel about getting those kids in trouble is also appropriate. I don't really know any way to make it better or to amend it other than to remember not to take advantage of other people, which is something I already knew. I'll just have to pay more attention and try harder.

I should also probably share a bit more with my co-workers. They are putting themselves and their lives on the line when they come to me and I should probably make this a bit more equal, even though my issues just are not that big of a deal, and I don't like griping about the job while at the job because everyone else does that and it really doesn't make things any better. In fact the constant complaining is a downer and never mind. I will just continue being the office Pollyanna and Go-To Gal for crying jags and I actually, normally, like that just fine.

So things to do: Post in LJ when upset, feel better. Learn to tell the difference between hunger dizzy, thirst dizzy, sleepy dizzy and just plain ole dizzy. Keep up with the office routine and never ever never take advantage of the fact that the guys drying your car can't read the receipt. Cause that is evil.

ETA: There are people I talk to in this office, just none of them are on my team! I remember now as a cubicle mate (I actually am grouped away from my actual group in the office setup) noticed I was upset and we talked about the carwash and she didn't think I was an idiot because I felt like crying and while I still want to retreat to the bathroom and cry about it, I won't cause that is dumb and I just don't feel like being a stereotype today. But I feel, well I shouldn't feel better - I feel less lonely in the office itself. I just forget that the people I can talk to are not always the people I am always helping.

ETA2: God, the typos and errors and such in this post are just depressing me unendingly. I'll never be able to fix even a fraction so just, you know - take it in the spirit as it was intended. I'm gonna go do some work or something.

Comments

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie. *gloms you and hugs you and brings you cool lemonade and tiny delicious sandwiches and rubs your shoulders*

I'm sorry that happened, at the carwash. I can imagine how you felt, and I totally get why you would take that so hard. Gah. I would have done the same thing, I'm sure. It would never occur to me to run over and tell someone not to give me especially nice treatment like that -- I'd be so happy that someone was doing their job well, and I would totally respond by tipping them, which is the proper way for a customer to respond in that situation. It is totally the fault of the management that this information is not being communicated. If time and situation permitted, I guess the other thing a customer might do in that situation is, in addition to tipping, go and tell the manager or owner that you appreciate the extra service, and that you will definitely return and buy more services in the future. But nothing you could have done is going to change the fundamental problem there, which is communication/lack of compassion, and that just... yeah. It gets you down. {{{{hugs you some more}}}}

I wonder if maybe the reason you feel more comfortable being less than sunny and perfect all the time in LJ is that we know the things you're really passionate about? We know some of the brightest and shiniest parts of you, and nothing is going to make us love you less, so you are safe blowing off steam here. Just a thought. I think it's okay to compartmentalize like that. But man, I sympathize with that feeling of being in a room with a big group of people and suddenly realizing that none of them really know what makes you tick, at all.

It was good to see you post about your current projects yesterday. Sounds like you are paring things down and organizing your creative brain, which is a good feeling. *love*

I've watched Golden Years about 20 times since you sent it to me. I... can't... stop! *is dead of the Angel/Spike love*

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

I've watched Golden Years about 20 times since you sent it to me.

It is the song - there is just something so hypnotic about the ticking rhythm, time is passing but you have all the time in the world. It is really appropriate actually in fitting in the song's overall theme. So, you know, that fits Angel and Spike (and also? Duncan and Methos and friends) and oh! You should totally remake it as an Old Dude vid! I'd love that.

I'm not as isolated at work as my pity party up there makes it sound. It was just a surreal thing because just before she said that (that I am always cheerful) I was in the office alone with another co-worker who is just - her life is terribly painful right now, and she was crying and I was being supportive and yet here I was at this picnic and I am still upset and I know that I am upset about this, yet I was smiling and making small talk and didn't even realize it.

I kinda feel like a phoney. Like I know I do a lot of juggling to fit in and I *can* fit in, I have that option, it just isn't that satisfying in the long run. It's easier, but in a really hollow way.

I'm not trying to be fake - and if anyone at work asks me to do anything, I will bend over backwards to help them or talk to them or just be there -- but I won't return the favor.

And the carwash thing has just ruined my day. I am chalking this up to a loss cause I just don't know what else to do about it. I can sit here and beat myself up over it and try to direct my anger at the cashier, who is a bitch to be sure, but in the end it is still my fault. So I have to do something soon to make it up to the universe.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I should also probably share a bit more with my co-workers.

I don't know, I guess I always felt that, unless I was actually friends with a co-worker and saw them socially outside of work, I kept my business to myself. Kvetching about the job situation to co-workers just seemed to make everything feel worse, not better, because it was sort of like throwing gasoline on a smoldering fire.

[saifai.livejournal.com]

I can sympathize with ya'. I always feel so uncomfortable sometimes discussing anything with my co-workers, or anyone my husband associates with really, just because of stereotypes. They take one look at me and make assumptions. At that point, I think you lose a lot. I'd tell you to not be so upset about things like that. Sometimes you can't control how people think of you, no matter what effort you make. But on the other hand, I've been there and I know it's not that easy.

But hey, we're here at LJ too and love ya'. *hugs*

Re: the car, I thought you did a good thing. At least they got the tips for it. Is unfortunate they got in trouble for it. I'm more likely to get upset at the manager for reacting the way she did, but I guess I can see it from her viewpoint. Bottom line, I suppose they do need a better system to tell the car washes apart.

[kittygoslingp.livejournal.com]

I sympathise with you and your bad day, I know what it's like to have a peculiar little incident de-rail your whole mood and I don't think there's anything silly about it: you thought life was sending you an unexpected bonus, you decided to tip and spread the love and then found the rug pulled from under your feet - that's disconcerting and upsetting and that's just that. You can try to downplay it but, if you're any way sensitive to other people (and I think the way the other people in your office obviously come to you when they're upset would seem to objectively indicate that you are), then you're going to be upset by people getting into trouble if there's a single jot you could've done to avoid it.

As for not talking about yourself or your life so much at the office, well, it's a choice; the fact that other people do, doesn't oblige you to reciprocate and by not doing so you're not holding out on them or depriving them (except perhaps of the pleasure of getting to know you better) but then, maybe, notwithstanding some loneliness, you don't want to be so well known at work (especially perhaps if you don't enjoy it).

Sometimes talking about those things that are worrying or upsetting a person can help, sometimes it just winds us up more and, if these issues are a topic of conversation in every venue of our lives, we never have space away from them.

Lastly, before I shut up and go away, and whilst still believing that you've had an upsetting day because upsetting stuff happened, can I throw out there the fact that I personally find myself feeling more sensitive to this sort of thing when I run out of my vitamin B6 supplement?

Hoping your day brightens up

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Huh - I should probably take a vitamin supplement.

[batwrangler.livejournal.com]

Learn to tell the difference between hunger dizzy, thirst dizzy, sleepy dizzy and just plain ole dizzy.

Just so you know, you are not the only one who has made it past thirty with this problem.

Sorry about the day in general and the car wash in particular. Here are some flowers to cheer you:

breakfast in bed

[retired-mom.livejournal.com]

Sorry about your day...If you were here tomorrow, I would fix you french toast, coffee and breakfast in bed to start tomorrow better.....maybe throw in some bacon or country ham.....I am surprised you did not go off on that woman and let her know her system of communication sucked.....love, mom

[batwrangler.livejournal.com]

(You can click on them for a larger version, provided LJ's servers aren't having problems.)

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

POPPIES!! Thank you. I feel like Dorothy!

[sivib.livejournal.com]

{{hugs}}

I'm sending over my Darien-clone to rub your feet and feed you chocolate. He's got nice hands.