Still Not A Fic
Nov. 13th, 2003 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sisabetSo, here is more Body-swapping plotsploration. I read Julad's "The Importance of Being Brian" today and then Mint's WoTD and Wren's Reaper Boy and Joss's Special Hell fic and trust me: this is not a fic. It is something.
Kinda like Austria, it is full of "historically inaccurate pretension."
And fandomwank is both a salve to me in troubled times and a bane to me in others. How can something so funny, be so very bad?
And I had no idea we were about the partitioning of Poland. Why would we want to partition Poland? Can any possible good come from that?
Ah well, here is the entirety of part 3 of the nonfic thing-a-ma-jig.
One Week 3/?
Saturday: Day One Continued
And cut for a commercial break. Sorry, gotta pay them bills. Ya’ll really want to buy “American Wedding” on DVD, dontcha? Sorry about that ad, here is one for Geraldine’s Bodacious Cheese Straws – try the chipotle!
And we fade back into the loft to the low strains of The Barenaked Ladies: Like Kurasawa I make mad films, okay, I don't make films, but if I did they'd have a Samurai
Brian is leaning against the post near the kitchen (you know – the one where Justin ends up post-scalping) watching Michael pace and drink.
“Christ, your personality is just fucking hyper. Could you maybe sit down for like a fucking second? You’re giving me a headache.”
“I can’t help it. I feel like I need something and this drink isn’t helping. It’s just getting worse too. God, Brian is this what you feel like all the time?” Michael crouches beside Brian and looks extremely concerned, “Is this why you have to get high all of the time and fuck everything that walks? Cause this feeling is not normal.”
“What exactly are you feeling?”
“Like I can’t sit still because there is something that I need and I should go get it. I feel it in, like, my arms and stuff – like I should be reaching for something and God this is fucking driving me insane. I think my chest hurts. Brian, how is your heart? I think you may be having a heart attack. Fuck.”
Brian stares at Michael for a long moment and then realization dawns and he smiles. He jumps up and goes to the counter, lights a cigarette and hands it to Michael.
“Here. You want this.”
“No, Brian, get that out of my face. It’s disgusting, I don’t smoke.”
“You don’t smoke, I do. Just take this…”
“No, I don’t want to smoke,” Michael shuts up momentarily as Brian sticks the cigarette in his mouth, “God this is gross and OMIGOD!”
Michael sinks down to lean against the counter. Brian snags an ashtray and joins him.
“Oh. My. God. This is…this is just incredible,” Michael sucks on his cigarette as if it contains a thousand orgasms, the mystery of life and not a small amount of heroin. “I mean, I knew you had to like it to keep doing it even though it’s giving you wrinkles,” Brian scowls at Michael, “But I never knew…” he trails off now enthralled by the burning stick of nicotine.
“Yeah. It is one of life’s great pleasures…,” Brian is thoughtful now, “And why they invented Botox. You’re gonna want to be sure that whenever you get that feeling in your arms that you light one up. Otherwise, you’ll turn into the little bitch that graced our presence today.”
“What,” Michael giggles (and Brian is disturbed on a very deep level watching his body giggle) and shoves at Brian, “I was not a little bitch.”
“Were, too. Also, I think you wore a hole in floor.”
“Well, your body takes some getting used to.”
Brian smiles, “You are not the first person to think so.”
“Huh, I don’t think you said that right?”
“What?”
”What you just said, that makes no sense.”
Brian looks at Michael puzzled. “It makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You know what? We are too fucking sober, that is the problem.” Brian goes to a drawer and pulls out his stash and starts packing a small pipe.
“I think you may be right about that. Fuck this is a good cigarette.”
Cue the Musical Montage! I love a Musical Montage ! Let’s bask in the wacky stonedness!
Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
The camera spins around with the smoke drifting up to the ceiling
As I make you stop , think
Quick cuts back and forth of Brian and Michael, laughing
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
Brian fascinated staring at Michael, an inch away from his face, poking his cheek with his finger, Michael, cracking up and pushing Brian away
I summon fish to the dish , although I like the Chalet Suisse
Wide shot of Michael pushing Brian off, they both roll around the floor
I like the sushi cause it's never touched a frying pan
Michael releases smoke from mouth in slow-motinon and the camera tracks the smoke up to the ceiling matching the spin shot at the beginning of the montage and signaling the music to fade out.
As we fade back in, Brian and Michael are both lying on the futon cushion, head to head (and not those heads, you fucking perverts) their bodies forming an “L” - both of their arms are outstretched and Brian plays absentmindedly with Michael’s hand where they meet at the center of the futon.
“Well, at least this feels normal,” Michael says. “Or at least kind of normal.”
Brian snorts, “Oh, yeah. Normal.”
“I think I am starving. Want some pizza?”
“No, you don’t. You are not eating pizza with my body.”
“Fuck you, you love pizza”
“No dairy, no processed sugar, no refined flour…” Brian starts listing the forbidden foods on one hand.
“That’s just insane,” Michael grabs at Brian’s hand and jerks his arm, “So you aren’t eating anything with sugar in it?”
“No. I haven’t for weeks.”
Michael smacks at Brian’s side, “You are such a liar, I totally saw you eating a lemon bar last week. And,” he says with a jab to the side, “I’m pretty certain they are made with flour, too. Maybe even butter!” Michael does a fake gasp and covers his mouth with his hand.
“Food eaten to get your mother to shut the fuck up, does not count.”
“Liiaaarrr.”
Brian swats back at Michael and they do the little cute back and forth thing for a minute.
Brian leans back into the cushion with a groan, “God, your body gets hit hard with this shit.”
“Maybe it is because I don’t get high every day,” Michael postulates with another jab.
“No. That can’t be it.”
“Brian.”
“What?”
“I need another cigarette.”
Brian reaches over beside him on the floor, lights a cigarette and hands it to Michael.
Michael smokes quietly for a while. “We switched bodies, Brian.”
“I noticed.”
“I’m laying here and we are still we but you are me and I am you and we switched bodies.”
“Obviously, weed still affects you the same, regardless of the body.”
“Shut-up, this is huge. What if we don’t switch back?”
“Michael, I need you to be quiet. I think your fucking body is getting a migraine.”
Michael reaches over and thumps Brian on his forehead with his thumb and forefinger, “Dumbass, I don’t get migraines.”
“You do now.”
“Whatever.” Michael rolls over onto his side and props his head up and looks down at Brian. “Is that what I look like? I didn’t think my hair looked like that.”
“Well, it does.”
Michael reaches out and plays with Brian’s hair at his temple. “I should fix it differently, I don’t like it like this.”
“It's fine, your hair is fine," Brian move away from Michael's hand irritably, "What is with you?”
Michael says quietly “I think Ben is seriously freaked out by this.”
“Your hair? Or do you mean suddenly waking up this morning and finding yourself inhabiting the body of your oldest and dearest friend? Because if you mean your hair, I truly think you are underestimating the professor. Now the body-swap: yeah. I would say that ‘freaked’ and ‘off and running’ would cover it.”
“He was right, he needs to make sure that Hunter is okay. He isn’t running.” Michael is getting defensive.
“Yes, because we would hate to upset the delicate balance that is your precious innocent’s life.”
“Ben said that he thought that maybe I would need this time to work through some, I don’t know, issues or something. He said that he needed to work through some things as well.”
Brian snorted, “Yeah, like ‘how the hell do I get Mikey to fuck me now?’” He waves his arm at the ceiling, “Ben couldn’t wait to get as far away from you, driving my body, as he could. Which is just not natural.”
“Heh, like Justin is handling it any better.”
“Justin will be fine.”
“I don’t know Brian, you didn’t see…”
Brian tilts his head backwards and looks up at Michael.
Michael looks away and gets an odd expression on his face. On any other face, he might have appeared slightly guilty, but on Brian’s face the effect was merely odd.
“When I woke up this morning, Justin was blowing me.”
Brian relaxes his neck and returns to staring at the ceiling.
“Are you mad?”
”Why should I be mad?”
“I pushed him off.” Michael says quickly.
Brian reaches over and grabs a cigarette, lights it and takes a drag. “You shouldn’t have. He gives phenomenal head.”
“It’s not like I even knew what was going on. I mean I’m waking up and I look down and it was not what I was expecting at all so, I’m all ‘What the fuck’ and I pushed him off the bed.”
“Heh," Brian croaks out an almost laugh but doesn’t smile. He takes another drag of his cigarette, ”I bet that went over well.”
“I think Justin thought it was a game. The little shit tackled me!”
Brian shifts his head around to look at Michael and starts to laugh for real.
“So, I kicked him. Only I didn’t know I was you and damn, your legs are powerful.”
Brian stops laughing and moves his head further back.
“Don’t give me that look, your boyfriend is fine. He kinda went flying off the bed and bounced. He ended up landing in the closet and I guess I knocked the breath out of him and he was making this ‘hic, hic, hic’ sound. That’s when I saw myself in the mirror. Or, actually, when I saw your self in the mirror.”
Brian continues to look at Michael, expectantly.
“So Justin is in the closet, hiccing and I’m staring at you and then,” Michael pauses and looks down at Brian and smiles, “I started to cry.”
“No wonder you said he freaked,” Brian grins back.
Michael’s smile widens, "No actually, Justin handled that part really well – once he could breathe again and all.” Michael leans in conspiratorially to whisper to Brian, “ I think he has been expecting it. Or is used to it. Brian, have you been crying on your boyfriend’s shoulder all summer?”
Brian sits up and swats at Michael’s shoulder.
“C’mon Brian, you can tell me.” Michael starts giggling. “Share! Share!”
Brian reaches over and starts tickling Michael, who collapses into a heap. It really isn’t fair at all, since Brian knows all Michael’s now weak spots and Michael is too far gone to defend himself other than by shouting “Share! Share!” hysterically.
They collapse on the floor, wrapped together, Michael’s head on the futon and Brian’s head on Michael’s shoulder. They lay that way for a moment and then simultaneously Brian moves to take Michael’s place on the futon and Michael moves his head to Brian’s shoulder.
“We don’t fit together right anymore,” Michael says sadly. Brian just strokes Michael's hair and closes his eyes.
Michael sighs, “I think Ben wants to move out.” Brian’s hand pauses for a second and then moves to lightly scratch at Michael’s back.
“I think you should let him get back from camping first before you pack his bags and file for joint custody.”
“No, I mean from before this. He has just seemed sad, and not sad like he usually is. Lately, I see him watching me and he just seem...disappointed.”
“Well, that is just stupid.”
“And before he left, he was practically telling me to go out and fuck half of Pittsburgh.”
Brian smiles, “Well, I take it all back. The professor is actually a very sensible man.”
“Shut up, Brian,” Michael raises up on his elbow and looks at Brian, “This is really serious. I mean, what if Ben doesn’t want to come back? What if we don’t change back?”
“You’re over-reacting. I’m sure this is just a 24 hour thing.”
“What, you mean like the stomach flu?” Michael’s voice becomes very shrill, “ We have a 24 hour case of body-swapping?”
Brian responds nonchalantly, as if he switches bodies at least once a year, sometimes twice, “Sure. We’ll probably go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow our old selves. More or less.”
“You think?”
Brian sits up. “Yeah. Now what do you say to a little field trip?”
Michael stares at him quizzically, Brian leans in closely and says, “Babylon. Test drive. I think it is time you work through some of your issues.”
And with a kiss he attempts to pull Michael to his feet. His balance is off and he kind of pitches forward into Michael’s lap.
Kinda like Austria, it is full of "historically inaccurate pretension."
And fandomwank is both a salve to me in troubled times and a bane to me in others. How can something so funny, be so very bad?
And I had no idea we were about the partitioning of Poland. Why would we want to partition Poland? Can any possible good come from that?
Ah well, here is the entirety of part 3 of the nonfic thing-a-ma-jig.
One Week 3/?
Saturday: Day One Continued
And cut for a commercial break. Sorry, gotta pay them bills. Ya’ll really want to buy “American Wedding” on DVD, dontcha? Sorry about that ad, here is one for Geraldine’s Bodacious Cheese Straws – try the chipotle!
And we fade back into the loft to the low strains of The Barenaked Ladies: Like Kurasawa I make mad films, okay, I don't make films, but if I did they'd have a Samurai
Brian is leaning against the post near the kitchen (you know – the one where Justin ends up post-scalping) watching Michael pace and drink.
“Christ, your personality is just fucking hyper. Could you maybe sit down for like a fucking second? You’re giving me a headache.”
“I can’t help it. I feel like I need something and this drink isn’t helping. It’s just getting worse too. God, Brian is this what you feel like all the time?” Michael crouches beside Brian and looks extremely concerned, “Is this why you have to get high all of the time and fuck everything that walks? Cause this feeling is not normal.”
“What exactly are you feeling?”
“Like I can’t sit still because there is something that I need and I should go get it. I feel it in, like, my arms and stuff – like I should be reaching for something and God this is fucking driving me insane. I think my chest hurts. Brian, how is your heart? I think you may be having a heart attack. Fuck.”
Brian stares at Michael for a long moment and then realization dawns and he smiles. He jumps up and goes to the counter, lights a cigarette and hands it to Michael.
“Here. You want this.”
“No, Brian, get that out of my face. It’s disgusting, I don’t smoke.”
“You don’t smoke, I do. Just take this…”
“No, I don’t want to smoke,” Michael shuts up momentarily as Brian sticks the cigarette in his mouth, “God this is gross and OMIGOD!”
Michael sinks down to lean against the counter. Brian snags an ashtray and joins him.
“Oh. My. God. This is…this is just incredible,” Michael sucks on his cigarette as if it contains a thousand orgasms, the mystery of life and not a small amount of heroin. “I mean, I knew you had to like it to keep doing it even though it’s giving you wrinkles,” Brian scowls at Michael, “But I never knew…” he trails off now enthralled by the burning stick of nicotine.
“Yeah. It is one of life’s great pleasures…,” Brian is thoughtful now, “And why they invented Botox. You’re gonna want to be sure that whenever you get that feeling in your arms that you light one up. Otherwise, you’ll turn into the little bitch that graced our presence today.”
“What,” Michael giggles (and Brian is disturbed on a very deep level watching his body giggle) and shoves at Brian, “I was not a little bitch.”
“Were, too. Also, I think you wore a hole in floor.”
“Well, your body takes some getting used to.”
Brian smiles, “You are not the first person to think so.”
“Huh, I don’t think you said that right?”
“What?”
”What you just said, that makes no sense.”
Brian looks at Michael puzzled. “It makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You know what? We are too fucking sober, that is the problem.” Brian goes to a drawer and pulls out his stash and starts packing a small pipe.
“I think you may be right about that. Fuck this is a good cigarette.”
Cue the Musical Montage! I love a Musical Montage ! Let’s bask in the wacky stonedness!
Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
The camera spins around with the smoke drifting up to the ceiling
As I make you stop , think
Quick cuts back and forth of Brian and Michael, laughing
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
Brian fascinated staring at Michael, an inch away from his face, poking his cheek with his finger, Michael, cracking up and pushing Brian away
I summon fish to the dish , although I like the Chalet Suisse
Wide shot of Michael pushing Brian off, they both roll around the floor
I like the sushi cause it's never touched a frying pan
Michael releases smoke from mouth in slow-motinon and the camera tracks the smoke up to the ceiling matching the spin shot at the beginning of the montage and signaling the music to fade out.
As we fade back in, Brian and Michael are both lying on the futon cushion, head to head (and not those heads, you fucking perverts) their bodies forming an “L” - both of their arms are outstretched and Brian plays absentmindedly with Michael’s hand where they meet at the center of the futon.
“Well, at least this feels normal,” Michael says. “Or at least kind of normal.”
Brian snorts, “Oh, yeah. Normal.”
“I think I am starving. Want some pizza?”
“No, you don’t. You are not eating pizza with my body.”
“Fuck you, you love pizza”
“No dairy, no processed sugar, no refined flour…” Brian starts listing the forbidden foods on one hand.
“That’s just insane,” Michael grabs at Brian’s hand and jerks his arm, “So you aren’t eating anything with sugar in it?”
“No. I haven’t for weeks.”
Michael smacks at Brian’s side, “You are such a liar, I totally saw you eating a lemon bar last week. And,” he says with a jab to the side, “I’m pretty certain they are made with flour, too. Maybe even butter!” Michael does a fake gasp and covers his mouth with his hand.
“Food eaten to get your mother to shut the fuck up, does not count.”
“Liiaaarrr.”
Brian swats back at Michael and they do the little cute back and forth thing for a minute.
Brian leans back into the cushion with a groan, “God, your body gets hit hard with this shit.”
“Maybe it is because I don’t get high every day,” Michael postulates with another jab.
“No. That can’t be it.”
“Brian.”
“What?”
“I need another cigarette.”
Brian reaches over beside him on the floor, lights a cigarette and hands it to Michael.
Michael smokes quietly for a while. “We switched bodies, Brian.”
“I noticed.”
“I’m laying here and we are still we but you are me and I am you and we switched bodies.”
“Obviously, weed still affects you the same, regardless of the body.”
“Shut-up, this is huge. What if we don’t switch back?”
“Michael, I need you to be quiet. I think your fucking body is getting a migraine.”
Michael reaches over and thumps Brian on his forehead with his thumb and forefinger, “Dumbass, I don’t get migraines.”
“You do now.”
“Whatever.” Michael rolls over onto his side and props his head up and looks down at Brian. “Is that what I look like? I didn’t think my hair looked like that.”
“Well, it does.”
Michael reaches out and plays with Brian’s hair at his temple. “I should fix it differently, I don’t like it like this.”
“It's fine, your hair is fine," Brian move away from Michael's hand irritably, "What is with you?”
Michael says quietly “I think Ben is seriously freaked out by this.”
“Your hair? Or do you mean suddenly waking up this morning and finding yourself inhabiting the body of your oldest and dearest friend? Because if you mean your hair, I truly think you are underestimating the professor. Now the body-swap: yeah. I would say that ‘freaked’ and ‘off and running’ would cover it.”
“He was right, he needs to make sure that Hunter is okay. He isn’t running.” Michael is getting defensive.
“Yes, because we would hate to upset the delicate balance that is your precious innocent’s life.”
“Ben said that he thought that maybe I would need this time to work through some, I don’t know, issues or something. He said that he needed to work through some things as well.”
Brian snorted, “Yeah, like ‘how the hell do I get Mikey to fuck me now?’” He waves his arm at the ceiling, “Ben couldn’t wait to get as far away from you, driving my body, as he could. Which is just not natural.”
“Heh, like Justin is handling it any better.”
“Justin will be fine.”
“I don’t know Brian, you didn’t see…”
Brian tilts his head backwards and looks up at Michael.
Michael looks away and gets an odd expression on his face. On any other face, he might have appeared slightly guilty, but on Brian’s face the effect was merely odd.
“When I woke up this morning, Justin was blowing me.”
Brian relaxes his neck and returns to staring at the ceiling.
“Are you mad?”
”Why should I be mad?”
“I pushed him off.” Michael says quickly.
Brian reaches over and grabs a cigarette, lights it and takes a drag. “You shouldn’t have. He gives phenomenal head.”
“It’s not like I even knew what was going on. I mean I’m waking up and I look down and it was not what I was expecting at all so, I’m all ‘What the fuck’ and I pushed him off the bed.”
“Heh," Brian croaks out an almost laugh but doesn’t smile. He takes another drag of his cigarette, ”I bet that went over well.”
“I think Justin thought it was a game. The little shit tackled me!”
Brian shifts his head around to look at Michael and starts to laugh for real.
“So, I kicked him. Only I didn’t know I was you and damn, your legs are powerful.”
Brian stops laughing and moves his head further back.
“Don’t give me that look, your boyfriend is fine. He kinda went flying off the bed and bounced. He ended up landing in the closet and I guess I knocked the breath out of him and he was making this ‘hic, hic, hic’ sound. That’s when I saw myself in the mirror. Or, actually, when I saw your self in the mirror.”
Brian continues to look at Michael, expectantly.
“So Justin is in the closet, hiccing and I’m staring at you and then,” Michael pauses and looks down at Brian and smiles, “I started to cry.”
“No wonder you said he freaked,” Brian grins back.
Michael’s smile widens, "No actually, Justin handled that part really well – once he could breathe again and all.” Michael leans in conspiratorially to whisper to Brian, “ I think he has been expecting it. Or is used to it. Brian, have you been crying on your boyfriend’s shoulder all summer?”
Brian sits up and swats at Michael’s shoulder.
“C’mon Brian, you can tell me.” Michael starts giggling. “Share! Share!”
Brian reaches over and starts tickling Michael, who collapses into a heap. It really isn’t fair at all, since Brian knows all Michael’s now weak spots and Michael is too far gone to defend himself other than by shouting “Share! Share!” hysterically.
They collapse on the floor, wrapped together, Michael’s head on the futon and Brian’s head on Michael’s shoulder. They lay that way for a moment and then simultaneously Brian moves to take Michael’s place on the futon and Michael moves his head to Brian’s shoulder.
“We don’t fit together right anymore,” Michael says sadly. Brian just strokes Michael's hair and closes his eyes.
Michael sighs, “I think Ben wants to move out.” Brian’s hand pauses for a second and then moves to lightly scratch at Michael’s back.
“I think you should let him get back from camping first before you pack his bags and file for joint custody.”
“No, I mean from before this. He has just seemed sad, and not sad like he usually is. Lately, I see him watching me and he just seem...disappointed.”
“Well, that is just stupid.”
“And before he left, he was practically telling me to go out and fuck half of Pittsburgh.”
Brian smiles, “Well, I take it all back. The professor is actually a very sensible man.”
“Shut up, Brian,” Michael raises up on his elbow and looks at Brian, “This is really serious. I mean, what if Ben doesn’t want to come back? What if we don’t change back?”
“You’re over-reacting. I’m sure this is just a 24 hour thing.”
“What, you mean like the stomach flu?” Michael’s voice becomes very shrill, “ We have a 24 hour case of body-swapping?”
Brian responds nonchalantly, as if he switches bodies at least once a year, sometimes twice, “Sure. We’ll probably go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow our old selves. More or less.”
“You think?”
Brian sits up. “Yeah. Now what do you say to a little field trip?”
Michael stares at him quizzically, Brian leans in closely and says, “Babylon. Test drive. I think it is time you work through some of your issues.”
And with a kiss he attempts to pull Michael to his feet. His balance is off and he kind of pitches forward into Michael’s lap.
