Today I Ponder The Job

[sisabet]

I haven't even come close to checking my FList for over 15 hours so if I missed something, track me down tonight. I should be around, working on Tricky's dialogue. Last night we watched James Ellroy's Feast of Death and I got some ideas from that - so that is all good. Dawn got excited cause it was a bunch of crazy old men sitting around talking and she likes that kind of stuff a lot anyway and then Nick Nolte showed up and he is like her idea of Chief Crazy Old Man, so it made her night. Well, that and watching "8 Mile" before it. Anyone up to join "The Next Episode" fandom?

Work stuff and career angst:

So I got up this morning early (for me) in order to be at work for an early meeting.

Today was kind of Judgement Day of sorts - our unit was meeting to go over a review/audit. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. To say that I knew that I was in big trouble for sucking mightily and having no excuse for sucking mightily, cause I know my job - I know it well - and mistakes I have made are just - well not excusable.

I did well. I am still in shock. I did extremely well. We all did - our manager took us out to lunch at a nice Italian joint and everybody got desert. This is not the normal order of things.

I also feel guilty. I could have done better. I know I could have because I know exactly what I do and do not do and how much I invest at work. I could have done so much better and that is not reflected on my review. Which makes me wonder how much I am being underestimated and just freaking not challenged. I'm not performing anywhere near 90% - hell, I'd say I'm more at 75% on a really good day and 60% at baseline.

I should not be doing this job. Beyond the fact that I can do it and do it well, apparently, without a lot of effort - it is just wrong. This is not what I am supposed to be doing. I think I am wasting time. I just really don't have a clue what I am supposed to be doing instead and I can't even think about going back to school. Me - now- back in class would just be a nightmare. I don't have that kind of discipline anymore and even when I did have it - I wasn't so much disciplined as lucky, and whatever kind of focus I had I ran through quickly and I just don't think there is anymore left.

In many ways, this job is a good fit. But it is not *the* fit and maybe that has to be enough. Maybe I'm one of those people that work not at a job they love, but at a job they can do and I'll do that for the next 25 years until I retire. It feels wrong - but then I have Dawn for an example and she is one of those people with the career that she has worked 12 years to obtain. So of course she is all filled with a sense of purpose and destiny. I have no purpose. I have no destiny. I'm not mentioned in any prophecies as even a minor character.

If anyone has any career advice whatsoever, I am all ears.

Comments

[sparkledark.livejournal.com]

I have no advice, but I can offer some words that might be vaguely comforting. Or possibly terrifying. Um, yes. I'm a few years older than you, and I haven't even found a job that's tolerable, let alone a decent fit yet, and I've managed to convince myself that this is okay. I still have time, and eventually it will come to me and I will get it. So, if I have time, then you have even more time. We have lots and lots of time. Just because this is where you are now, it doesn't mean this is your fate.

I can totally relate to how you're feeling, though. I know I'm not living up to even a tenth of my potential, and so many people I know are so goal-driven and focussed, and I feel like a floundering twat most of the time.

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Maybe your destiny, your work, isn't going to be in what you're paid to do, but in something you do because you want to do it even though it's never put a scrap of gold or silver in your pocket. (Er. Sorry. I *will* be randomly quoting A Christmas Carol from now until mid-December.) You vid--do you consider that just a hobby, or do you consider it art? Are you an artist in any other (read: non-fannish, since most people wouldn't pick derivative work as a destiny) sense? If you are--accept that you've been given an easy day job so that at night, you can create.

I haven't even come close to checking my FList for over 15 hours so if I missed something, track me down tonight.

I've been posting snippets of vids because I am a whore I need opinions on particular things. Is Highlander, though, which I don't think you watch.

[josselin.livejournal.com]

It's weird that you post this, because I was just beginning to think that all the really cool Austrians were in insurance, and maybe that was the way for me to go.

But, maybe not. I don't know what the way for me to go is.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Well - Austria is heavily into insurance as a general rule. We are a special lot: Mild-Mannered by Day, into scalping pretty boys by night.

I don't know what the way for me to go is.

If you figure it out, let me know. In case you can't tell, I tend to like your ideas.

[josselin.livejournal.com]

Distract me from my homework--how's Tricky's dialogue coming?

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Well - I've worked out that Tricky looks like a young Ray Liotta (cause #1. Ray Liotta was hot and #2. He scares me) and he is probably 26, maybe 28. He was born and raised in Evansville, Indiana and served time for assault there when he was 21. He has just moved to Pittsburgh by way of Lansing, Michigan - but he has stayed no more than a few months anywhere since he was released. He is a sexual sadist, and a psychopath and has never been as successful as he was in the State Pen. This is just for me so I know who he is. It is important for me that Tricky be really, really scary and if I make him real to me he gets scary.

Dialogue is still in progress - it is very hard and I am very very tired. I do know that the moment Brian starts reacting is inspired by Tricky saying that he wonders what would happen if he fucked Justin with the knife. Cause Tricky would do that. Does he have a real name yet?

[wrenlet.livejournal.com]

#1. Ray Liotta was hot and #2. He scares me

*gurgle* You are so not wrong.

[josselin.livejournal.com]

I keep forgetting what you named him and I am too lazy to brave the threads and find out.

[valerie-z.livejournal.com]

I do know that the moment Brian starts reacting is inspired by Tricky saying that he wonders what would happen if he fucked Justin with the knife.

So disturbing, and so appropriate. Because even though Brian will blame himself for the scalping incident, this shows the reader that Tricky/Ray Liotta is undeniably A Rapist. So no one will doubt that he deserves a frying-pan death.

Also, it's always cool to make the reader gasp and get all horrified. And you just can't get any more disturbing than that.

::considers Brain!Damaged!Justin and Frank the goldfish:: Well, maybe you can get more disturbing. And that is part of why I love you, and Austria, so much.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking that I want Brain!Damaged!Justin and his reaction to Frank the goldfish to be totally put-on. Well maybe his is freaked, but he is more freaked by Brian's overprotectiveness and he is very, very bored.

Then I'm thinking he just starts upping his act - making it more crazy and over-the-top and wondering how much Brian will swallow. And then I'm thinking he will start to get pissed that Brian is believing he is that certifiable and he starts doing it all the time out of spite. It could work.

[valerie-z.livejournal.com]

The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced that it's the Most Brilliant Story Idea Ever. This has to be written. If this isn't written, I might be forced to set myself on fire in protest.

When Brian finds out, can he be really mad for a minute, and then be incredibly happy that Justin doesn't have issues anymore? And then they kiss and then they fuck. And then they live happily ever after.

Oh, and Brian calls Justin a lying little twat.