Crying Over Spilled Milk

[sisabet]

I have two passes to see a preview of Elizabethtown tonight in Hamburg, and no one to go with. I've got co-workers who always say they want to go to the movies, but never do. Dawn has to work and The Boy is grounded. I know I know other people and I supposed I could make the effort of picking up my cell phone, but meh. It's Tuesday night - I'll go by myself.

Part of me is already cringing in advance over how the people from Kentucky will or will not be portrayed. Cameron Crowe seems really taken with our music, so here is hoping SmallTownKentucky does not equal IgnorantRedneckHicks who are merely an amusing background setting for our much more advanced and urbane Leads.

Not that E-Town isn't full of redneck hicks - it is, don't get me wrong. I just want some balance. Also, I don't find Orlando Bloom hot. I don't find him unattractive, I mean, if he asked me out I'd be all over that - I just don't get all "oooooh Orlando!" when I see him.

In other news: I am almost finished with a vid. This is a big, fucking deal. You have no idea. I'm also taken my new habit of feeling the sudden urge to burst into tears in stride. It's probably some kind of hormonal shift my body has to adjust to or just a side effect of stress and the crap this time of year always brings. It doesn't appear to be anything to worry about - it is just new.

And kind of neat. Like - I can sit and think about something and all of a sudden my thoughts will turn and I'll realize something and I will have to cry. And then I feel fine again. Or I'll be watching television and I'll see something and I'll have to cry and then it is over. It is like a little tiny five minute breakdown. I thought they were all hurricane related when it started but it hasn't stopped - if anything I can count on it being more regular.

And it isn't as if I don't ever cry, I do. I just usually save up a bunch of stuff and then have a big huge tantrum complete with sobs and snot and a nasty headache and exhaustion and snuffling. It ain't pretty. This is really different - it is like my emotional pressure valve broke and the slightest thing will cause me to choke up and it is like a little mini-whirlwind and then I take a deep breath and not only am I fine - I feel better.

And it is amazing the things that can cause these fits. Like, I was watching this nature documentary - episode one of "The Blue Planet" and there was this long drawn out scene where these sharks kill this gray whale calf and the mother whale mourns and she reminded me of Moya and I lost it. Then I was fine.

I saw a car that made me sad because the paint job was sloppy and I felt bad for the car and while I didn't actually cry this time, my throat started hurting. If I had kept thinking about it - what that car has gone through and how it got from there to here, I totally would have lost it. Thankfully, the light changed and I made a left turn away.

Just today I was thinking about something that exists only in my head. And I was talking to pipsqueaky last night and she said something that slid all these puzzle pieces into place about this character, that isn't even a fictional character I've swiped to play with - she isn't real at all - and she went from being this kinda, sorta caricature of an old college roommate, to being real and making sense and I started crying because what I had done in my head really hurt her. And I felt bad for her. Except she isn't real and in effect the only thing I have done is tell a story, to myself, that made me cry.

But for only a few minutes and then I was fine. I wonder if this just means I am getting more shallow? Cause I don't think it is gonna be possible for me to lose anymore depth, here. I'm pretty much just all surface anymore.

Comments

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Oh - you told me where she was from - which led to me trying to figure out where she got to the point in life she was at, and why she was doing what she was doing and it all just came together and you know, while still being really and extremely annoying, her reasoning and motivations make sense (at least to me) and I can see why she makes the choices she does and why she goes for what she goes for and she is really going to be hurt. On the plus side, she's young. She can take it. But still - I feel really terrible for creating her with just the sole purpose of breaking her heart.

[pipsqueaky.livejournal.com]

Well, hell, isn't that why *every character ever* is created? If they don't have angst and woe, they ain't interesting. And it could be worse for her. Tracey on Firefly was created with the sole purpose of dying tragically. So was Irene Zuko. Or hey, let's talk about main characters - Angel was created with the sole purpose of SUFFERING EVERY DAMN DAY OF HIS LIFE. And he looks mighty mighty fine while doing it, too. Fraser's heart got shattered into itty bitty pieces, and he is a hundred times more fragile than Social Worker Girlfriend Becky. So, you know, she should quit complaining, and be glad that she gets to have her heart broken by Ray Kowalski, cause as tragic events go? That's one of the better ones.

No, I am not jealous of her. Why do you ask?

ahem.

If you still feel bad you could write her a happy little epilogue where she moves to Denver and becomes a little older and a little wiser and eventually hooks up with a nice stable architect or something.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

OR! Or and here is a thought: I could curse her with a soul!

What? It's been done?

So, you know, she should quit complaining, and be glad that she gets to have her heart broken by Ray Kowalski, cause as tragic events go? That's one of the better ones.

And when you put it like that, I start to hate her again. Cause the alternative is Just. Not. Happening in my brain. Ever. And I mean ever. I am not afraid to mutilate to have my will done.