The Blame Game
Sep. 9th, 2005 03:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sisabetThere is guilt in diversion. I have known this for a while - a tragedy unfolds and the internal expectation is that one will start and continue to bang the drum slowly, without relief and without respite until both relief and respite are restored to all.
This is an unfair and unrealistic expectation to have, but just because something is unfair and resisting of logic has never stopped it from existing in the hearts of man. Or woman. Or even child. I was once fairly certain that dogs got to escape this threat, but then I saw a dog pine. It was horrible and there was no consolation and I don't know if this is something natural to the canine heart - an affinity we happen to share, or if we have infected them over the years with human grief, found in its purest form in our companions.
If we did it to them, then I can just add it to the column under "We Suck" and keep going because what are you gonna do? We suck. We just do. There is no order to it, there is no limit to it, there is no end to it and so we mourn. Or punish ourselves for not continuously mourning. Or watch that goddamned episode of Futurama about the dog and cry. Over Futurama.
I have a very clear memory of riding in my father's truck. I was sitting in the middle, between Dawn and Daddy and we were pulling into my elementary school's parking lot. I don't remember if he was driving us to school because we missed the bus or if we were on our way to basketball practice. Probably practice.
And I remember Dawn saying something and I immediately started whining (as is my wont) and Daddy told me to shut up (as is his wont). And for the life of me I don't recall what I was upset about but I remember protesting "But that's not FAIR!"
And Daddy's response was short and to the point, he said, "Whoever told you life was fair?"
And this might be the one time in history that something either of my parents has told me shut me up. Cause I was convinced that someone had told me that life was fair, and that person might have even been him, but I was hard pressed to come up with any actual instances of it happening. Oh, but it had been implied - surely they had implied that the good get rewarded and bad are punished and what was going on with taking me to church three times a week if it was not to assure me of the essential fairness of life?
Except, other than the continuous promise of the eternal reward in heaven, upon examination and contemplation I couldn't find a real and valid sense that the church ever told me that life on Earth is governed by fairness, and in fact - the the promise of a heavenly reward itself was contingent upon several factors depending upon which denomination you attended. The one thing that they all agreed on was that it didn't matter what kind of person you were: good or bad. Nonbelievers burned in a lake of fire. When I remembered that, it clinched it for me. The church had never assured me of any essential fairness in this or any afterlife it claimed for me.
But, at the church, there was a concerted and organized effort at misleading me. They concentrated on things like the story of Ananias and Sapphira or Daniel in the Lion's Den or Shadrach and Meshach and Abendigo --- all of these people either being punished for wrong doing or escaping an unfair punishment. These stories were fed to me along with other misrepresentations (like there were two of every animal on the Ark. There so WAS NOT! I was livid when I actually read Genesis) and assurances that God sees all and so you better be good. He was just like Santa Claus, only active all year 'round and not the least bit interested in My Little Pony.
They skipped or glossed over figures like Job (dude - big life lesson in total unfairness there. He was a bet) or used convenient lies and twisted the stories around as a way to insure I stayed in my seat and remembered to raise my hand before speaking. They reduced the Bible to a form of child-control - fundamentalist Ritalin, if you will. They emphasized a kind of "Just Desserts" policy that really had no basis in scripture. There is nothing fair at all in the Bible - actually from a literature standpoint, that is one of the great things about the actual book. But to a nine year old me, it felt like a betrayal.
And I came to that realization in the cab of my father's pickup and it was really cold outside and I don't think the heater was really working in the truck and I kind of felt like crying but I didn't because what was the point? No one had ever really told me that life was fair.
Except then I remembered my Social Studies class and something about "We hold these truths to be self-evident" and something else about "all men are created equal" and something else about "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" and I felt a little bit better. And then I remembered SUPERMAN and he stood for Truth and Justice and the American Way and HA! Daddy! I have been told that life was fair. Fairness is what America is all about. My country assures me that life is fair.
So when I confidently replied "America!" to his, really rather rhetorical question, I can't remember what he said. Knowing my father and his beliefs and the fact that back then, he was just a few years older than I am now - I am certain he argued with me. I am positive that I argued back. I am taking bets that Dawn interupted us both with her opinion but those memories are much hazier than the realization itself.
And that realization sparked a patriotism that ran deeper than the mindless chatter they gave us at school. I've never really been one for taking anything at face value, cause where is the fun in that? No - I believed in my country because the principles for which it stood were Just. There was fairness.
Except there wasn't - it was just like the church. It distracted with false tales of Paul Revere's ride at Midnight and suckered me into thinking that the whole "all men are created equal" was an actual underlying principle and that there is a real and actual American Dream achievable for all.
God - and the betrayal just keeps on coming, doesn't it? Cause when did we stop even paying lip-service to ideals? When did we start actually taking the phrase "America: Love It or Leave It" seriously? Cause if you had asked me ten years ago if I would ever consider leaving my country I would have been horrified at the thought. I wasn't as naive at twenty as I was at ten and I was all full of the Rage of Social Injustice and the Righteous cause I was....well, twenty. But I still felt a deep power and love and connection to the fact that whatever my nation's actions, deep inside the ideals were sound.
But now I see that the little dodge ball game of responsibility the people in power have set up to escape their own actions of genocide last week is working and I realize that maybe this place is just too far gone. Maybe it isn't just hopeless idealism that wants New Orleans back but that same wish is for my country back. And unlike a levee system that could work (cause dudes - NO is SOOO not the only city below sea level - check it out) there is nothing that can replace the ideals of Truth and Justice once we've all forgotten about them.
Because none of this is FAIR. And I grieve this as much as I grieve anything else. And I punish myself for trying to escape from that grief. And I am irrational and not logical and yet human.
And I wonder how it is all gonna end and yet I really do not want to know.
This is an unfair and unrealistic expectation to have, but just because something is unfair and resisting of logic has never stopped it from existing in the hearts of man. Or woman. Or even child. I was once fairly certain that dogs got to escape this threat, but then I saw a dog pine. It was horrible and there was no consolation and I don't know if this is something natural to the canine heart - an affinity we happen to share, or if we have infected them over the years with human grief, found in its purest form in our companions.
If we did it to them, then I can just add it to the column under "We Suck" and keep going because what are you gonna do? We suck. We just do. There is no order to it, there is no limit to it, there is no end to it and so we mourn. Or punish ourselves for not continuously mourning. Or watch that goddamned episode of Futurama about the dog and cry. Over Futurama.
I have a very clear memory of riding in my father's truck. I was sitting in the middle, between Dawn and Daddy and we were pulling into my elementary school's parking lot. I don't remember if he was driving us to school because we missed the bus or if we were on our way to basketball practice. Probably practice.
And I remember Dawn saying something and I immediately started whining (as is my wont) and Daddy told me to shut up (as is his wont). And for the life of me I don't recall what I was upset about but I remember protesting "But that's not FAIR!"
And Daddy's response was short and to the point, he said, "Whoever told you life was fair?"
And this might be the one time in history that something either of my parents has told me shut me up. Cause I was convinced that someone had told me that life was fair, and that person might have even been him, but I was hard pressed to come up with any actual instances of it happening. Oh, but it had been implied - surely they had implied that the good get rewarded and bad are punished and what was going on with taking me to church three times a week if it was not to assure me of the essential fairness of life?
Except, other than the continuous promise of the eternal reward in heaven, upon examination and contemplation I couldn't find a real and valid sense that the church ever told me that life on Earth is governed by fairness, and in fact - the the promise of a heavenly reward itself was contingent upon several factors depending upon which denomination you attended. The one thing that they all agreed on was that it didn't matter what kind of person you were: good or bad. Nonbelievers burned in a lake of fire. When I remembered that, it clinched it for me. The church had never assured me of any essential fairness in this or any afterlife it claimed for me.
But, at the church, there was a concerted and organized effort at misleading me. They concentrated on things like the story of Ananias and Sapphira or Daniel in the Lion's Den or Shadrach and Meshach and Abendigo --- all of these people either being punished for wrong doing or escaping an unfair punishment. These stories were fed to me along with other misrepresentations (like there were two of every animal on the Ark. There so WAS NOT! I was livid when I actually read Genesis) and assurances that God sees all and so you better be good. He was just like Santa Claus, only active all year 'round and not the least bit interested in My Little Pony.
They skipped or glossed over figures like Job (dude - big life lesson in total unfairness there. He was a bet) or used convenient lies and twisted the stories around as a way to insure I stayed in my seat and remembered to raise my hand before speaking. They reduced the Bible to a form of child-control - fundamentalist Ritalin, if you will. They emphasized a kind of "Just Desserts" policy that really had no basis in scripture. There is nothing fair at all in the Bible - actually from a literature standpoint, that is one of the great things about the actual book. But to a nine year old me, it felt like a betrayal.
And I came to that realization in the cab of my father's pickup and it was really cold outside and I don't think the heater was really working in the truck and I kind of felt like crying but I didn't because what was the point? No one had ever really told me that life was fair.
Except then I remembered my Social Studies class and something about "We hold these truths to be self-evident" and something else about "all men are created equal" and something else about "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" and I felt a little bit better. And then I remembered SUPERMAN and he stood for Truth and Justice and the American Way and HA! Daddy! I have been told that life was fair. Fairness is what America is all about. My country assures me that life is fair.
So when I confidently replied "America!" to his, really rather rhetorical question, I can't remember what he said. Knowing my father and his beliefs and the fact that back then, he was just a few years older than I am now - I am certain he argued with me. I am positive that I argued back. I am taking bets that Dawn interupted us both with her opinion but those memories are much hazier than the realization itself.
And that realization sparked a patriotism that ran deeper than the mindless chatter they gave us at school. I've never really been one for taking anything at face value, cause where is the fun in that? No - I believed in my country because the principles for which it stood were Just. There was fairness.
Except there wasn't - it was just like the church. It distracted with false tales of Paul Revere's ride at Midnight and suckered me into thinking that the whole "all men are created equal" was an actual underlying principle and that there is a real and actual American Dream achievable for all.
God - and the betrayal just keeps on coming, doesn't it? Cause when did we stop even paying lip-service to ideals? When did we start actually taking the phrase "America: Love It or Leave It" seriously? Cause if you had asked me ten years ago if I would ever consider leaving my country I would have been horrified at the thought. I wasn't as naive at twenty as I was at ten and I was all full of the Rage of Social Injustice and the Righteous cause I was....well, twenty. But I still felt a deep power and love and connection to the fact that whatever my nation's actions, deep inside the ideals were sound.
But now I see that the little dodge ball game of responsibility the people in power have set up to escape their own actions of genocide last week is working and I realize that maybe this place is just too far gone. Maybe it isn't just hopeless idealism that wants New Orleans back but that same wish is for my country back. And unlike a levee system that could work (cause dudes - NO is SOOO not the only city below sea level - check it out) there is nothing that can replace the ideals of Truth and Justice once we've all forgotten about them.
Because none of this is FAIR. And I grieve this as much as I grieve anything else. And I punish myself for trying to escape from that grief. And I am irrational and not logical and yet human.
And I wonder how it is all gonna end and yet I really do not want to know.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 09:08 pm (UTC)I used to be proud
Date: 2005-09-09 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 09:35 pm (UTC)The hardest pill to swallow is that all the pretty comforting things we were taught as kids because society is so intent on preserving the Pure True Innocence of Children or some such - that life is fair, that bad things only happen to bad people, that policemen and presidents and teachers and parents will always tell the truth and do what is right, that everything happens for a reason, that America is a land of equality, that authority figures can be trusted, that God is kind and good and just - all these things turn out to be lies. And when you finally find that out, it's like the entire universe has shifted, and suddenly *everything* is suspect and you can't get your bearings and what kind of world IS this where unfair things happen and nothing is certain anymore and maybe this is what drowning feels like.
I still haven't truly gotten over my discovery that life isn't fair. I suspect maybe I never will.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 04:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 11:15 pm (UTC)But, then I think if all of us who actually see the injustices here, go there, who will remain to fix it?