Here I Weep
Jul. 5th, 2005 11:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sisabetComputers went down on Friday and I came into the office today to discover that not only are we down several teammembers due to vacation and what-not and I am covering for their claims today but also since the computers were down on Friday (again) I am also covering for their claims on Friday. Oh. And Saturday. And Sunday. Let us not forget Monday.
I am absolutely swamped. Why am I even updating?
Well - I just found out (officially and actually in the nicest way possible) that I didn't get the promotion. I knew I wasn't getting it and I told all of you I was not getting it and the person I suspect got it was a better candidate (which is why I did not get it) but it still sucks cause now I have all this work to do but I also have to deal with the Official Acknowledgement of Rejection and I am a bit pissed about this emotional baggage. Just - no sympathy or hugs about this. I'm stressed about VVC and really fragile and just do not want to even think or talk about this ever again. It is over. I've made my peace. Let us Move On.
Cause there is still some stuff really bugging me. I had to go to church on Sunday and not ONLY did I have to listen to a conflicting messages about how lucky we are to live in a country where we have freedom to worship - I also had to hear about how terrible it is is that we are trying to drive Jesus out of government (cause you know that Jesus. Always with the politics!) and how Christianity is suffering and also that the Founding Father's never intended for us to not have the 10 commandments posted just everywhere in the world (of course - the Founding Fathers also kept slaves. Let's not forget that while the Declaration of Independence is a wonderful document and the Bill of Rights is Great and Keen and Bully for the Constitution -- The Founding Fathers were not saints and also quite capable of being complete and total bastards. And wasn't Ben Franklin an atheist?).
There was more - but I tuned it out and tried to read Song of Solomon, except the church Bible was the New International Version and man - that sucks. Seriously - my kingdom last Sunday morning for King James (or something).
It just sucks. It really does. It sucks to be in a house of worship and actually be interested in the worshipping part and not be able to do it because you are filled with anger over the absolute crap that is being spewed. It sucks to not be able to rebut from the pew. It sucks to sit there and watch heads nod mindlessly and repeat back "amen" over and over when the point that was just made was not statistically or even biblically sound. They don't care. Sounds good to them.
I cannot do this anymore and maintain my sanity. I cannot. I love my uncle. I do. But if he is going to quote Larry the Cable Guy in his sermon, then I am quite sure he is no longer someone to whom I can look to with any confidence at all to advise me on the matter of my soul and my spiritual wellness.
And I know it is important to my mother that I attend church with her. I understand that and you know - I have really really tried. But I can't do it. I can't. I lack the ability to sit and let things fly over my head and not try to pull them apart and look at what is really being said and to ask me to do that in silence and not even discuss my issues or doubts later on? That is sheer torture. It is not putting me in any frame of mind that one should be in when they are in a church, that is for certain.
Two days later and I am still upset. I mean, really really upset. I hold my own truths to be self-evident and I can't disrespect that or myself anymore. I just cannot. They raised me to not hide. They are the ones who taught me that and dammit. I am tired or the push-pull and the conflicting messages and all the cognitive dissonance of sitting on a wooden pew and hearing one thing but knowing another and knowing the futility of trying to argue and debate and gah - ending up in a battle of Bible verses, cause yeah - the Bible NEVER contradicts itself.
It just becomes so crass and self-serving, this picking and chosing and cloaking of self-righteousness and the mindlessness that goes into accepting it. It is so much easier to turn over all thought and interpretation to these Old White Dudes and yet... that would be wrong. That would be immoral. That would be me abandoning my faith. That would be me abandoning who I am and if I am made in the image of God, then that would be me abandoning God because this is what ultimately makes me unique and just me and to fail in that would void my actual faith because that faith was won in a hard fight. That faith is tough and it is strong and it is mine and if I just left it there to rot and adopted this other mindset, the one they want me to have, I would be betraying that. It would make it worthless.
And there is a seductiveness in the mindlessness. In the act of letting someone else just dictate to me the terms of my spirit and to just tell me what is right and wrong and it is all black and white and I don't have to worry about any of this anymore. There is a very dark temptation to just do that - because it is easy. It is really, extremely easy and then you have your cloak of righteousness and it allows you to believe things like people with AIDS are being punished by God. It allows you to believe that the world will end in fire and brimstone, yet you will be spared. Everyone who doesn't agree with you will suffer in torment forever, but you - you will be spared. It allows you to believe that other people - because they are destined to NOT be spared - do not deserve to have the same rights and protections that you enjoy. It allows you to turn a blind eye to compassion because you only offer aid with strings attached and eventually you will believe that those less fortunate somehow have caused themselves to be in this situation.
It allows you to stand in judgement of the world because you are suddenly One with God and yet you don't think at all about what any of this means or even if this is what your faith, which you protest is strong, even proscribes you do.
And I refuse this. I reject it. I won't do it. It is immoral and wrong and it hurts me to watch it happening. My life is not for this and it is not about this and in the end I am glad my faith is strong because otherwise, the other choice, is my own Hell.
I am absolutely swamped. Why am I even updating?
Well - I just found out (officially and actually in the nicest way possible) that I didn't get the promotion. I knew I wasn't getting it and I told all of you I was not getting it and the person I suspect got it was a better candidate (which is why I did not get it) but it still sucks cause now I have all this work to do but I also have to deal with the Official Acknowledgement of Rejection and I am a bit pissed about this emotional baggage. Just - no sympathy or hugs about this. I'm stressed about VVC and really fragile and just do not want to even think or talk about this ever again. It is over. I've made my peace. Let us Move On.
Cause there is still some stuff really bugging me. I had to go to church on Sunday and not ONLY did I have to listen to a conflicting messages about how lucky we are to live in a country where we have freedom to worship - I also had to hear about how terrible it is is that we are trying to drive Jesus out of government (cause you know that Jesus. Always with the politics!) and how Christianity is suffering and also that the Founding Father's never intended for us to not have the 10 commandments posted just everywhere in the world (of course - the Founding Fathers also kept slaves. Let's not forget that while the Declaration of Independence is a wonderful document and the Bill of Rights is Great and Keen and Bully for the Constitution -- The Founding Fathers were not saints and also quite capable of being complete and total bastards. And wasn't Ben Franklin an atheist?).
There was more - but I tuned it out and tried to read Song of Solomon, except the church Bible was the New International Version and man - that sucks. Seriously - my kingdom last Sunday morning for King James (or something).
It just sucks. It really does. It sucks to be in a house of worship and actually be interested in the worshipping part and not be able to do it because you are filled with anger over the absolute crap that is being spewed. It sucks to not be able to rebut from the pew. It sucks to sit there and watch heads nod mindlessly and repeat back "amen" over and over when the point that was just made was not statistically or even biblically sound. They don't care. Sounds good to them.
I cannot do this anymore and maintain my sanity. I cannot. I love my uncle. I do. But if he is going to quote Larry the Cable Guy in his sermon, then I am quite sure he is no longer someone to whom I can look to with any confidence at all to advise me on the matter of my soul and my spiritual wellness.
And I know it is important to my mother that I attend church with her. I understand that and you know - I have really really tried. But I can't do it. I can't. I lack the ability to sit and let things fly over my head and not try to pull them apart and look at what is really being said and to ask me to do that in silence and not even discuss my issues or doubts later on? That is sheer torture. It is not putting me in any frame of mind that one should be in when they are in a church, that is for certain.
Two days later and I am still upset. I mean, really really upset. I hold my own truths to be self-evident and I can't disrespect that or myself anymore. I just cannot. They raised me to not hide. They are the ones who taught me that and dammit. I am tired or the push-pull and the conflicting messages and all the cognitive dissonance of sitting on a wooden pew and hearing one thing but knowing another and knowing the futility of trying to argue and debate and gah - ending up in a battle of Bible verses, cause yeah - the Bible NEVER contradicts itself.
It just becomes so crass and self-serving, this picking and chosing and cloaking of self-righteousness and the mindlessness that goes into accepting it. It is so much easier to turn over all thought and interpretation to these Old White Dudes and yet... that would be wrong. That would be immoral. That would be me abandoning my faith. That would be me abandoning who I am and if I am made in the image of God, then that would be me abandoning God because this is what ultimately makes me unique and just me and to fail in that would void my actual faith because that faith was won in a hard fight. That faith is tough and it is strong and it is mine and if I just left it there to rot and adopted this other mindset, the one they want me to have, I would be betraying that. It would make it worthless.
And there is a seductiveness in the mindlessness. In the act of letting someone else just dictate to me the terms of my spirit and to just tell me what is right and wrong and it is all black and white and I don't have to worry about any of this anymore. There is a very dark temptation to just do that - because it is easy. It is really, extremely easy and then you have your cloak of righteousness and it allows you to believe things like people with AIDS are being punished by God. It allows you to believe that the world will end in fire and brimstone, yet you will be spared. Everyone who doesn't agree with you will suffer in torment forever, but you - you will be spared. It allows you to believe that other people - because they are destined to NOT be spared - do not deserve to have the same rights and protections that you enjoy. It allows you to turn a blind eye to compassion because you only offer aid with strings attached and eventually you will believe that those less fortunate somehow have caused themselves to be in this situation.
It allows you to stand in judgement of the world because you are suddenly One with God and yet you don't think at all about what any of this means or even if this is what your faith, which you protest is strong, even proscribes you do.
And I refuse this. I reject it. I won't do it. It is immoral and wrong and it hurts me to watch it happening. My life is not for this and it is not about this and in the end I am glad my faith is strong because otherwise, the other choice, is my own Hell.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-05 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-05 04:37 pm (UTC)::runs off to read your lj::