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Not So Good Day and the Lessons Learned
May. 12th, 2005 01:07 pmSudden realization today that I often confuse hungry, thirsty, and sleepy. Also, I could either be having a panic attack or my heart rate could just be elevated because I got upset right before lunch and then lunch was strange and then I got upset again after lunch and in order to detail exactly what I feel- I'll probably have to make twenty-thousand posts so no time like the present to get started, huh?
I am sleepy. Actually - not sleepy. I couldn't close my eyes if you paid me. I am tired. I didn't know I was tired until I ate and drank a glass of water, there was a process of elimination that had to be followed. How did I get to thirty and become so disassociated from my own physicality that I don't know these things? Don't answer - I already know, but that is a post for another day. Or fodder for therapy. One or the other, I should probably talk about it. But not now.
I think what is happening right now is just an emotional response on top of being wrung out and hyper. Bad stuff happening to good people in my vicinity and it is breaking my heart. We had a picnic today (the office did) and I showed up late because of said bad stuff with a co-worker. It just sucks. Then I sat at the picnic and just felt strange and out of place and someone said something along the lines of "Liz, you are always so cheerful!" and in another conversation someone remarked how much they hated this job and I readily and adamently agreed and, the entire conversation just stopped. The whole table looked at me - all members of my team - and the girl that put her resignation in yesterday said that she didn't believe me. Everyone agreed that I loved this job.
I made up and excuse, that I had to wash my car, and left the picnic early. I just... I spend at least 55-60 hours a week with these people. More if you count lunch. I'm not a silent person by nature - I talk, about myself. I think I talk about myself. I know everything in the world about them. I know who their high school boyfriends were, I know why their first marriage broke up, I know what financial aid packages their daughter got for college, I know why they aren't having another child, I know who their dog's vet is and what his last visit was for, I know why they cancelled their engagement and I know the chemo treatment schedule for their loved one.
And I do not love my job. I am grateful to have this job. I do not love this job.
I'm frequently in a lousy mood and just a few days ago I had a funk that lasted weeks and apparently no one noticed. I should be relieved but instead I just feel incredibly lonely.
And it isn't as if I don't have people to talk to - I do and I talk. All the time. Just, apparently not here. At all. Maybe if I didn't have the LJ it would be different, I'd open up more with these guys but I just don't think that is it. They are open with me - that is for damned sure. Maybe I just don't have time to confide, what with their traumas and dramas which easily trump my minor irritations or worries.
So there was that.
And I went to get my car washed and I went to Jeff's Car Wash on Nicholasville Rd and got out and paid for the express wash - which does not include anything but the wash and I waited for my car to come around and when it came out a bunch of young men descended upon it with towels and I didn't pay for the towel dry. I didn't stop them, either - I thought it was nice and decided that I'd come here again and up the package I'd buy and then I went to the tip box and stuck the $2.00 the towel dry would have cost in it and that is when the old lady cashier came out and stalked up to me and asked if the black car was mine and I told her yes and was there a problem? She didn't answer - just went and grabbed an older man that I assume was the supervisor and started yelling about how this was the second time those ____ had done this today.
That's when I really felt terrible. Cause these guys - if any of them was over 20 and spoke English, I'd be shocked - these guys got in trouble because of my car and I didn't stop them and quickly explain that I did not pay for the towel dry. And I could have - my language skills are not much but they encompass that simple phrase. Instead, I thought it was cool and that, yeah - I did want the towel dry (PRETTY CAR) and from now on I'll remember this and make certain I purchase the towel dry.
But I should have stopped them because I knew I didn't pay for that.
And now I am angry at Jeff's for not using a better system to inform their employees about what each car has purchased. Yes - the reciept saying Express was in my car - but how hard would it be to mark that with a highligher or and X or somethng that *everyone* would know meant "No Towel Dry"? I mean - let's just go postal on these kids who are out there in the hot sun busting their asses. Dammit.
So yeah - now I feel better and it isn't a panic attack. I was just upset. I should have been upset. Everything that happened today is something that I find disturbing. This is an appropriate response. The guilt I feel about getting those kids in trouble is also appropriate. I don't really know any way to make it better or to amend it other than to remember not to take advantage of other people, which is something I already knew. I'll just have to pay more attention and try harder.
I should also probably share a bit more with my co-workers. They are putting themselves and their lives on the line when they come to me and I should probably make this a bit more equal, even though my issues just are not that big of a deal, and I don't like griping about the job while at the job because everyone else does that and it really doesn't make things any better. In fact the constant complaining is a downer and never mind. I will just continue being the office Pollyanna and Go-To Gal for crying jags and I actually, normally, like that just fine.
So things to do: Post in LJ when upset, feel better. Learn to tell the difference between hunger dizzy, thirst dizzy, sleepy dizzy and just plain ole dizzy. Keep up with the office routine and never ever never take advantage of the fact that the guys drying your car can't read the receipt. Cause that is evil.
ETA: There are people I talk to in this office, just none of them are on my team! I remember now as a cubicle mate (I actually am grouped away from my actual group in the office setup) noticed I was upset and we talked about the carwash and she didn't think I was an idiot because I felt like crying and while I still want to retreat to the bathroom and cry about it, I won't cause that is dumb and I just don't feel like being a stereotype today. But I feel, well I shouldn't feel better - I feel less lonely in the office itself. I just forget that the people I can talk to are not always the people I am always helping.
ETA2: God, the typos and errors and such in this post are just depressing me unendingly. I'll never be able to fix even a fraction so just, you know - take it in the spirit as it was intended. I'm gonna go do some work or something.
I am sleepy. Actually - not sleepy. I couldn't close my eyes if you paid me. I am tired. I didn't know I was tired until I ate and drank a glass of water, there was a process of elimination that had to be followed. How did I get to thirty and become so disassociated from my own physicality that I don't know these things? Don't answer - I already know, but that is a post for another day. Or fodder for therapy. One or the other, I should probably talk about it. But not now.
I think what is happening right now is just an emotional response on top of being wrung out and hyper. Bad stuff happening to good people in my vicinity and it is breaking my heart. We had a picnic today (the office did) and I showed up late because of said bad stuff with a co-worker. It just sucks. Then I sat at the picnic and just felt strange and out of place and someone said something along the lines of "Liz, you are always so cheerful!" and in another conversation someone remarked how much they hated this job and I readily and adamently agreed and, the entire conversation just stopped. The whole table looked at me - all members of my team - and the girl that put her resignation in yesterday said that she didn't believe me. Everyone agreed that I loved this job.
I made up and excuse, that I had to wash my car, and left the picnic early. I just... I spend at least 55-60 hours a week with these people. More if you count lunch. I'm not a silent person by nature - I talk, about myself. I think I talk about myself. I know everything in the world about them. I know who their high school boyfriends were, I know why their first marriage broke up, I know what financial aid packages their daughter got for college, I know why they aren't having another child, I know who their dog's vet is and what his last visit was for, I know why they cancelled their engagement and I know the chemo treatment schedule for their loved one.
And I do not love my job. I am grateful to have this job. I do not love this job.
I'm frequently in a lousy mood and just a few days ago I had a funk that lasted weeks and apparently no one noticed. I should be relieved but instead I just feel incredibly lonely.
And it isn't as if I don't have people to talk to - I do and I talk. All the time. Just, apparently not here. At all. Maybe if I didn't have the LJ it would be different, I'd open up more with these guys but I just don't think that is it. They are open with me - that is for damned sure. Maybe I just don't have time to confide, what with their traumas and dramas which easily trump my minor irritations or worries.
So there was that.
And I went to get my car washed and I went to Jeff's Car Wash on Nicholasville Rd and got out and paid for the express wash - which does not include anything but the wash and I waited for my car to come around and when it came out a bunch of young men descended upon it with towels and I didn't pay for the towel dry. I didn't stop them, either - I thought it was nice and decided that I'd come here again and up the package I'd buy and then I went to the tip box and stuck the $2.00 the towel dry would have cost in it and that is when the old lady cashier came out and stalked up to me and asked if the black car was mine and I told her yes and was there a problem? She didn't answer - just went and grabbed an older man that I assume was the supervisor and started yelling about how this was the second time those ____ had done this today.
That's when I really felt terrible. Cause these guys - if any of them was over 20 and spoke English, I'd be shocked - these guys got in trouble because of my car and I didn't stop them and quickly explain that I did not pay for the towel dry. And I could have - my language skills are not much but they encompass that simple phrase. Instead, I thought it was cool and that, yeah - I did want the towel dry (PRETTY CAR) and from now on I'll remember this and make certain I purchase the towel dry.
But I should have stopped them because I knew I didn't pay for that.
And now I am angry at Jeff's for not using a better system to inform their employees about what each car has purchased. Yes - the reciept saying Express was in my car - but how hard would it be to mark that with a highligher or and X or somethng that *everyone* would know meant "No Towel Dry"? I mean - let's just go postal on these kids who are out there in the hot sun busting their asses. Dammit.
So yeah - now I feel better and it isn't a panic attack. I was just upset. I should have been upset. Everything that happened today is something that I find disturbing. This is an appropriate response. The guilt I feel about getting those kids in trouble is also appropriate. I don't really know any way to make it better or to amend it other than to remember not to take advantage of other people, which is something I already knew. I'll just have to pay more attention and try harder.
I should also probably share a bit more with my co-workers. They are putting themselves and their lives on the line when they come to me and I should probably make this a bit more equal, even though my issues just are not that big of a deal, and I don't like griping about the job while at the job because everyone else does that and it really doesn't make things any better. In fact the constant complaining is a downer and never mind. I will just continue being the office Pollyanna and Go-To Gal for crying jags and I actually, normally, like that just fine.
So things to do: Post in LJ when upset, feel better. Learn to tell the difference between hunger dizzy, thirst dizzy, sleepy dizzy and just plain ole dizzy. Keep up with the office routine and never ever never take advantage of the fact that the guys drying your car can't read the receipt. Cause that is evil.
ETA: There are people I talk to in this office, just none of them are on my team! I remember now as a cubicle mate (I actually am grouped away from my actual group in the office setup) noticed I was upset and we talked about the carwash and she didn't think I was an idiot because I felt like crying and while I still want to retreat to the bathroom and cry about it, I won't cause that is dumb and I just don't feel like being a stereotype today. But I feel, well I shouldn't feel better - I feel less lonely in the office itself. I just forget that the people I can talk to are not always the people I am always helping.
ETA2: God, the typos and errors and such in this post are just depressing me unendingly. I'll never be able to fix even a fraction so just, you know - take it in the spirit as it was intended. I'm gonna go do some work or something.
