I am taking a moment...

Am I wrong in that the threat of epidemic frightens me much more then the current war. War scares me - especially the idea of retaliation and how this will affect world opinion and blah, blah, blah, nuclear armagedeon...but disease? Freaks me out big time. Must be the hypochondria...

Yesterday was so fantabulous. I bought shoes, pretty shoes, on sale (Charles David and like over 70% off an already reduced price, so my creative finances figured it would actually cost me more to not buy them) I also purchased some make-up (I lost mine - don't ask) and I have some pretty skirts and dresses to wear this week and I felt all girly and curly-headed and shiny. I wanted that feeling to last and last, but alas I am having the Worst. Day. Ever.

Woke up late (really, really late - shoulda already been at the office late) - no pretty dress and pretty hair and pretty makeup for me today. Got to the office and the manager is still gone. Dammit. I need some guidance here people! My desk buddy is on vacation and the first two calls I took today were people screaming at me regarding portions of their claim that I have no control over. Completed my monthly report and realized that if I had decided to spend all of March in my pajamas curled up in bed, I could have and it would not have changed the outcome of my report (missed opportunities). Useless. I feel useless. And pissed off. Really, really pissed off. I seriously feel like screaming at someone and that is not a normal state for me - enraged - just not me. I'm outta sorts. I should probably leave, but I am so far behind I can't. Of course, if we all die tomorrow, none of this matters and ain't I just a big ole ball of sunshine?

Vid News: Damn - this thing is flying. I'm at 3:14 now in laying clips on the rough draft and I'm pretty much vidding it as it comes - not a lot of skipping around on the timeline, which is kinda unusual for me at this stage. I think it is due to the fact that I know exactly what needs to go where - although I know how the vid ends, I also can "see" the thing as a whole - which is nice - there is no need to jump around and "fill in the blanks." I haven't had an experience like that (despite storyboards) since "Golden Years." I planned GY for several months prior to starting (when I first decided to it -I knew I didn't have the technical ability to do what I visualized for the vid- as soon as I did, I was off. It is still one of the few vids that I did on WMM that I can still enjoy. WMM *blech* bad taste in my mouth). This song is like that in the fact that I have seen a vid to it in my head for a freakin' year now. A whole damn year. Since it doesn't appear to be vidding itself (as it should) I finally caved and started it. I think when it is finished I will only post it here - maybe as friend's only. Dawn is making noises about keeping it on the site's vid page, but I am ambivalent. I don't know why I am ambivalent - possibly because I started it purely for me (as Lum said, to get it out of my system) and I really didn't give much thought to how it would be received. Now I'm beginning to wonder how much of what I vid is driven by what I think will cause a reaction? If this is my creation, shouldn't I do it for art's sake and not for what I think will strike a nerve? This vid - while surprisingly fulfilling to me - really and truly does not address anything that hasn't been covered in hundreds (no exaggeration here) of other vids. "Closer" was original. "Last Stand" was original (I still haven't seen any other vids deal with Lindsey. Considering what that man looks like it is almost a crime against nature). "Cowboy" was me paying tribute to Angel's drool-worthiness (and mainly inspired by Lum's brilliant forays into the "drool genre"). My Buffy vids, in contrast to my Angel vids, feel almost extraneous. What else is there to say that isn't being said by everyone else? Outside of my Extreme Xander-Love, I don't know that I'm really adding anything to the mix. I know I see things differently then a lot of my friends (in terms of the show) but that might just be due to the fact that I am by nature a contrary person. Spend an hour telling me the about the saintedness of Spike and I'll call him a sullen little midget (and a retarded vampire) and ask if you want to watch Riley play basketball, cause man, that is hot. I want to vid Riley playing basketball and the volleyball scene from "Top Gun" - it wouldn't even need music. Sigh.

Maybe this vid is just a desperate cry for anniesj to make me pretty icons?

My anger has past and now I am calm. I think I will try to do some work while I am here.