HHDoO and Therapy Post: Of Self-Esteem and Storyboards

[sisabet]

High Holy Day - Your Day of Obligation begins now, so get ready, settle down, and chill - for tonight there be television.

cutting for what starts out as a ramble about my A/S vid-in-progress, turns into a ramble about storyboards, self-esteem, why I vid (or "Why I Vid: Today" as the answer is always in flux) and my brain tracks.



In other news, my A/S vid is coming along so nicely that I might have to track down renenet and throw something at her in a few days - cause...well I might be making sense, finally. Which is cool since I started the frickin' thing in January and just now - like right this second now - I was thinking about something else entirely and I was reading heres_luck's post on storyboards here ( http://www.livejournal.com/users/heres_luck/115881.html) and aside from loving her handwriting (and I do. I really think her handwriting is like art. I have very little fine motor control and typically cannot even read my own writing and my signature continues to be a source of embarrassment, so let's just say that I appreciate good penmanship almost to the point of a fetish. Almost) I have to credit it for jarring my brain and spilling out a visual cue that is all over the vid as it stands and thus gives me my intro (previous intro being scrapped and all because it belongs in the middle and it was Lum's eye that caught that the sequence was out of place and could be made more meaningful).

So now that I know how my vid starts and I know how it ends and I know what happens in the middle - the only thing left is to align those bits and pieces together the best I can, slap some lube on the boys and let them go to town, er - I mean - fix all that I see and send it off to beta-land with Lum and renenet.

I am cracked up that reading someone else's storyboard for a totally unrelated vid ("Superstar" - actually) gave me the "aha" moment I was needing. Shit I hate my own brain, why the hell did I say "aha"?

::scrubs "Take On Me" from mind::

What was I saying (and an aside - I actually want to vid something like "Take on Me" with the comic book coming to life and sdwolfpup mentioned some books on Premiere and PS and AE and I totally am behind on all my email and comments - but I'm vidding! - and I forgot to ask about that) - oh yeah - storyboards. I love storyboards and I used to use them religiously. Then I made "Closer" and went thru a gazillion different boards and the vid never took off until I just abandoned trying to plan it out. I needed the gist - this is what is going on *here* - and then it just kinda happened.

Now it seems that vids I storyboard never seem to be actually made. "Mission Temple Fireworks Stand" - great kickass storyboard. Love it. Vid never made it past a very very rough cut draft version. But the storyboard rocks! It is Spike of the New Testament! Spike as John the Baptist! Buffy is Jesus! Giles is Pentecostal and Willow handles snakes! There are Spirit Fingers!!! It's just now that I have storyboarded it, I am kinda done with that story. I told it to myself, and apparently that was enough, at least enough to take the edge off. "Peacekeeper" - I don't think I ever even looked up the lyrics making it and the vid I had planned was not the vid I made. I told myself the story as it came together.

Anymore, I get an idea for a vid - tell Lum what I think the song is about and send her the song, listen to the song on repeat in my car and sometimes at my desk until I know what needs to happen, then start on the vid and work on it until I figure it out or hit a brick wall. Put it aside for a while and pick it back up when harddrive space becomes an issue and I need to clear the project.

I think I am afraid that if I plan too much - if I actively make a full storyboard and commit it to paper - then I'll lose the urgency to create it - to see it come together and anymore that is the fulfillment for me. Showing it to other people is great and fun and loved, but ultimately I am way too lazy for that to be the big draw to work so very hard on one thing. Vidding entertains me. The process - the "I love this song, I want to live in it and I'll put my bed over here and my dresser over here and..." moment of nesting into music and the love of the source the "I never ever want to leave this world. I want to wallow in it and I'll put my Angel over here and oh look at him move his head. Awww. Oh! and I'll put my Spike over here and what is that?" and then I get to play.

I'm kinda over-analysing My Reasons for Vidding as a means of not working today, but lately I have been more than a little over-analytical. I cannot help it - I am obsessed with myself. Look at me - why do I do the things I do? What's up with that? It's a phase. An over-grown, self-centered latent adolescent phase given full run here in the Most Sacred of Places that Are All About Me.

And at some point the other day whilst watching "Donnie Darko" for the umteempth time since Friday, I realized that when I really dig something - I want to crawl into it and lose myself...which is kinda the point of fandom, for me anyway. I think, though, it goes beyond escapism and into something else - that I can't quite explain.

And at some point, you want more from the original source and I think this is a universal thing - when people like something, they want more of the liked thing and this leads to the sadness of sequels and franchises and brand-naming characters and stories becoming products and this makes me sad so I am abandoning this line of thought.

But the desire for more can also lead to all sorts of expressions -- fantasies, fanfic, graphics and for some of us, videos. And this is where I find myself thriving, right at this moment. Caught in that desire for more - to surround myself with a story and to basically tell it to myself - and it is about the music - wanting more of it and it is about the source - wanting more of it - and it is a lot like a daydream - but more focused. You still try to skip over the boring parts - but there are a lot more rules.

And if I cheat and tell myself the story ahead of time - I might lose interest before it is ever made. I mean - I know exactly how my QaF/Nightmare on Elm Street fic ends. I even know lines of dialogue... and I've lost some of the thrill in spinning the yarn. Eh. Apparently, I bore easily once I know what's going to happen (which is one of the reasons I am staying away from anymore QaF spoilers, cause lord knows it ain't the writing that is keeping me riveted).

Then I start to feel inadequate and almost like I am cheating by not storyboarding - maybe I would be better at the process if I did take that time and what am I missing - what opportunities did I skip right over - that I would have caught with more careful planning?

Then I realize that I just used the word "cheat" in both scenarios and quite possibly the issue has nothing at all to do with storyboards and everything to do with self-esteem and feeling like a hack. And I am a fairly confident person - but I think it is pretty normal to feel like a fake from time to time. Especially when you surround yourself with incredible, talented people - this is one of the unfortunate side-effects. Gratifyingly it is also paired with inspiration and camaraderie, so it is a very inconsequential side-effect at that.

And this is where my brain took me today. Next stop: I call a dude about his car. We will talk about his car and the damage to his radiator for a half hour. During that time, Angel and Spike will...do things. Wait - no - I need to keep Angel and Spike out of my brain or they will confuse me before I vid the opening sequence -- okay - Lex and Clark are seated across a room and are just looking at each other. Dude is gonna start in on how his neck hurts and I will respond appropriately and get the info I need and Lex and Clark will continue to look - and it will be exquisitely painful.

Comments

[wolfling]

I've never storyboarded a vid and only very rarely outlined a story that I then went on to write. It's like you said, if I go into that kind of detail on paper before actually getting to the project, I peter out on the project. I already told the story to myself, so the impeteus is gone.

Anymore, I get an idea for a vid - tell Lum what I think the song is about and send her the song, listen to the song on repeat in my car and sometimes at my desk until I know what needs to happen, then start on the vid and work on it until I figure it out or hit a brick wall. Put it aside for a while and pick it back up when harddrive space becomes an issue and I need to clear the project.

That's pretty much how I've worked with vidding, except substitute Magpie for Lum. I obsess over a song until it gets to the point that I must vid it, then into premiere it goes, and I start dumping clips in on the lyrics. Often the beginnings of vids get completely reedited before final version, which is probably a result of me needing to immerse myself totally in a vid before I really get the feel for it. Possibly storyboarding would avoid that, but then I'd miss that moment, admidst the vidding where everything clicks together and I figure out the story that I've been telling.

Err which is a longwinded way of my saying I understand completely what you're saying here. ;)

[crowie.livejournal.com]

That was a very interesting post to read. I get hit by that same over analytical bug quite often so I find it facinating to see how creative process is for other people.

Im used to myself, I know how I function (mostly) but seeing others point of view is so eye opening.

Ive never done a storyboard, the idea didn't even cross my mind. However Im a newbie when it comes to vidding so it might very well show in the handful of vids Ive done.

The tendency to stop doing things when you've sketched them up well is something I share though. In my case it has more to do with drawings and never actually finishing them if I show sketches, WIPs to others. The urgency just goes away.

Anyway thanks for the insight

[gwynnega]

The process - the "I love this song, I want to live in it and I'll put my bed over here and my dresser over here and..." moment of nesting into music and the love of the source the "I never ever want to leave this world. I want to wallow in it and I'll put my Angel over here and oh look at him move his head. Awww. Oh! and I'll put my Spike over here and what is that?" and then I get to play.

Yes, exactly!

And you've made me feel better about the fact I don't storyboard...

[f1renze.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for this post. I am still reluctant to call myself a vidder yet, but I'll comment anyway.

I am a storyboard freak, but I can relate to the sense of "losing the urgency" after you've planned stuff out. You do feel like you've gotten it out, and then you're like, :|. It amazes me how much the most exciting visuals can seem dry once you see it on paper. (Come to think of it, my visuals were probably never that exciting to begin with. And OMG your storyboards must look like rainbow!) Anyway, as much as I love them, storyboards can't capture one of my favorite things in the vidding process: when you hum that particular 2-second section in your head while searching through source and finding the "Aha!" clip. You just can't know before you pair the two modalities, period. OMG *loves*.

Anyway, I shall always use storyboards, if only to assure a tighter narration than what's in my head.

And *this*:

I get an idea for a vid - tell [Wendy] what I think the song is about and send her the song, listen to the song on repeat in my car and sometimes at my desk until I know what needs to happen

...is like the bible or something.

PS: Your talk of unfinished vids made me worry about having some of my own, because with my attention span, I will have plenty of those soon enough. Eep.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

And OMG your storyboards must look like rainbow

Actually, other than my penchant for using colored ink pens (because I LOVE them, dammit! I miss the 4-colors-in-1 pens I used to have as a girl...) my storyboards are confusing and lopsided and kinda crinkled and ugly. I don't think my storyboards are aethetically pleasing at all.

I know a lot of vidders use spreadsheets and Myrtle actually sent me one - and I liked it - it was pretty and shiny and had tabs and ... I hadn't the foggest idea what to do with it.

So for now - I'll fix the storyline in my head and anything that *has* to happen at such and such - I'll make a note of it (postits, napkins, back of bank statements - all paper in a nearby vicinity is fair game) and that is about it.

But I have used Storyboards. I didn't for Cowboy, or Peacekeeper or Without Me or Paradise or any of the QaF vids - although I did break down an storyboarded "Battleflag" - but that was in a last ditch effort to breathe life into a dead vid concept.

I have an "End of Angel" concept vid that I will not storyboard - so much as i printed the lyrics - all 4 pages of lyrics -- underlined the words that are clearly understandable, highlighted when the singers/voices changed and then I gave those papers to Dawn with the instruction to right down different characters she thinks would fit with the understood lyric.

That song is really complicated (4 pages of lyrics! and it isn't even 4 minutes long!) so I need some kind of note system just to keep me on track. We'll see if it becomes a storyboard.

And for my Spike in a comic book vid - I have notes scattered everywhere that say things like
"Chandra Levy= Cordy 5x12" and "Bin Laden/Saddam = Eve/Linds 5x17? or 5x12" and "Peach, pears, plums = Angel, Harm, Fred - learn to insert effect here" along with a note that I need to watch the Starsky & Hutch trailer very carefully.

So, while I don't storyboard formally anymore - there is much planning - just - I don't write most of it down.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

I find this interesting. Mudd is a seat-of-the-pants vidder.
I tend to be more methodical, because I'm lyrics-driven

Then again, my storyboards look like this:
Wrapped Around Your Finger - The Police -5:14
Intro 0-30
You consider me the young apprentice 35
ANH Luke w/Ben Kenobi
38Caught between the Scylla(40) and Charibdes. (42)
Ben/Yoda
45Hypnotized by you if I should linger
Emperor, Luke glances over

They are reminders of which clip I want to use where.

[renenet.livejournal.com]

Dude, you are the best thing since the invention of candy.