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sisabetSo - I did get derailed a bit. Most of this has been written for a while, I just kind of hate it with a fiery passion. Seriously, I absolutely hate this and want to do something wacky. Any more angst and I'll be jumping off the catwalk at Babylon. Okay - I don't hate this part. I just find it tremendously depressing and so I have delayed finishing it. It was easy - what with the hobbits and the hair and the sickness - to be distracted.
Previous bits are linked to from here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sisabet/96690.html
Warning: Horror. Set after season three.
the sun breaks down 5/?
There was so much blood. It was all over the sink and on the floor and on me and apparently I was bleeding but I didn’t really know how or why or anything at all. I was terrified and the blood was everywhere and I kept thinking about Daphne and needing to touch Brian and know that he was still there. He wasn’t going far so it wasn’t hard to do. He had grabbed a towel and maneuvered me to the toilet to sit down. I freaked out some when he put the towel over my face, but than I realized that I was cut, and he was trying to stop the bleeding. God, the blood, it was just everywhere. Then I remembered, and I tried to tell Brian about my mother, that we had to get to her, something terrible had happened to her, and we had to find her.
Brian didn’t say anything. He just grabbed another towel and threw the bloody one on the floor, where it blended in with everything else.
“Brian,” I grabbed his arm, “Listen to me. She could be hurt. I saw it, before the hammer came at me, I saw my mother, and it was just like before.”
Brian took my hand and raised it to the towel, “Hold this – put pressure on it.” Then he turned toward the sink and turned on the tap.
“Brian, you don’t understand. Before, with Daphne, I saw it. I was dreaming, but I was there and it happened,” and I know that at this point I was pretty hysterical. I know that what I was saying wasn’t making sense. I know Brian was trying to hold it together and none of this could have been easy. I know that the facts and common sense all pointed in one direction and I know that none of this was his fault. I know all of this, and right now, sitting here, thinking back on it, I am honestly trying to understand. And the thing is, I totally do. I understand exactly what was going through his mind, actually. I understand so well that I’m kinda surprised. It doesn’t make it any easier. But then, in that moment, I didn’t have a clue. I just kept on about my mom and the dream and seeing Daphne and her face and I think I was screaming at that point. I was sitting, naked on the toilet, bleeding and screaming.
“Christ!”
I was so shocked by Brian yelling that I just shut up. I noticed he was looking in the mirror above the sink and it was cracked – well – more like smashed in the middle. Brian was bent over a bit and both of his hands were grasping at the sink edges and his left one was kind of slipping in the blood and if I close my eyes, I can see it now. Hell, there is so fucking much I can see if I close my eyes, that I don’t think I will, okay? How does that sound? How about I just never close my fucking eyes again? I think I can live with that. Shit, I am just so fucking funny right now. Imminent death has made me a goddamned comedian.
I just…I really hate what happened. I’d like to skip it, but dammit – this won’t make the papers and I am ashamed to…shit. Fuck. This is what happened. Brian told me what happened and it broke me. I broke. I broke and then I broke him and fuck, maybe he was broken first. Yeah, that’s what did it. Brian broke and I saw it and… I know, I do, I know that none of this is his fault. It isn’t. It isn’t his fault, any of this. I know this. Shit.
Brian was still facing the mirror and he was talking very slowly and deliberately. “You got out of bed and came in here. When you didn’t come back…” He stopped and bent his head forward, closing his eyes.
“What?” I felt cold and I knew then that something was happening. “What?”
Brian looked at me when I raised my voice. “Shit, Justin. You have to apply pressure.” He moved to a kneeling position in front of me and reached for the towel. I let him take it, grabbing his face with both of my hands and forcing him to really look at me.
“Tell me.”
Brian looked into my eyes, “When I walked into the bathroom, you were standing at the sink. You were carving into your head with that razor.”
For those of you keeping track at home, this is when I noticed the blade on the floor by the sink. It was an understandable oversight, as in the whole red motif I had going on, it wasn’t readily visible.
“I was dreaming…”
Brian nodded. “I know.” He swallowed and looked away. “I couldn’t get you to stop.”
“Brian, it wasn’t me. I was trapped in this vise and…”
“I couldn’t get you to stop.”
“…I couldn’t move and this hammer…”
“Justin!” Brian pulled back from me and put his free hand on my knee. He looked up at me and said, “I couldn’t get you to stop. You were cutting yourself and you would not stop.”
“No, I was at Babylon…”
“I grabbed you. I grabbed you and you still wouldn’t stop. I shook you and you wouldn’t drop the razor. You would not stop. I held your arms down and you fought me. Christ, you broke the fucking mirror..” Brian trailed off and turned his face away from me. “You wouldn’t fucking stop.”
“I was dreaming.”
Brian closed his eyes, “I know.” He put my hand back over the towel and told me to hold it there and went back over to the sink. He came back with a wet towel and started trying to clean me up.
Maybe if I had been thinking clearer I would have figured it out by then. I don’t know what I was thinking as I sat there. I don’t know if I was thinking at all. I must have though – I had to have been because I knew. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was something and I forced him to tell me. He didn’t want to talk and, Jesus, I just, I made him.
“I was dreaming before. This afternoon.” Brian was standing over me and looking at the cut. He didn’t say anything so I tilted my head back to look at him. “I saw Daphne.”
Brian closed his eyes and I knew but I didn’t know. I didn’t know enough to know that I didn’t want to know. Jesus. I don’t even think I am making sense anymore. Lack of sleep, a massive drug intake, and a police manhunt will kinda throw a boy for a loop, y’know? Not to mention the dying people everywhere I turn. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I didn’t know any of that then. I just knew something, and I needed Brian to tell me what that was.
“I saw Daphne, then I fell and you were there.”
Brian just stood there.
“What did you see?” It was all I could do to force the words out.
He clenched his jaw and opened his eyes. “Get in the shower; I can’t clean you up enough with the towels.”
I wasn’t budging. “I need to know what you saw.”
Brian swallowed and looked over my shoulder and stared down the wall behind me. “C’mon.” He tugged at my arm.
“What did you see?”
He looked at me then, and I’ve seen him afraid before. I have. I’ve seen him frightened and I’ve seen him desperate and I’ve seen him horrified. I’ve seen him all three things in a single instant and that was the last thing I could remember for a very long time. I’ve never seen him like this.
He kneeled down again and reached up for me. He brought my lips to his and he whispered, “Don’t. Not now,” and then he kissed my forehead. I wanted to just sit there. I wanted to just go along with him and let him clean me up and try to put this off for just a few more minutes. I wanted to do all of that. I really did. I didn’t do it, but I wanted to.
“Please.”
He pulled back to look at me. I forced myself to meet his gaze. If we were going to do this, then we were going to do it. I saw him swallow, but when he spoke it was very matter-of-factly.
“I got home this afternoon and you weren’t here. I went to Daphne’s and I saw you from the street. You were on the edge of the roof and you were just standing there. Then you started swaying back and forth. I yelled, but you acted like you didn’t hear me. Same as when I got up there.” Brian broke eye contact and pulled away from me. It was fractionally, actually – but I noticed.
“I yelled for you to get back. I told you that you would fall, but you just stood there. I grabbed your arm and you started leaning forward. If I hadn’t grabbed you, you would have fallen. I just pulled you back as hard as I could and threw you toward the center of the roof. Then you woke up…” Brian stopped and finally looked back at me and that is when I saw it and that is the moment that I knew and really knew. It started coming together for me and I saw what Brian must have seen: me leaning over the edge then looking at him from the ground. Shit there was blood on my t-shirt, wasn’t there? Then just knowing about Daphne and then finding her...and tonight I cut myself. I looked at Brian and I knew it all.
“No.” I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t accept any of it and more than anything I wanted Brian to lie to me. I wanted him to agree that there was no way I could have done this. I wanted him to do something and make this not be happening – any of this. I wanted him to fucking fix it. I wanted him to make this the dream – and wake up and none of this past day had happened. Instead of that, he just looked at me and kind of held me in place because at this point I was ready to rappel off the walls. I was at a precipice, and damn, I did not want to look over the edge. I was actually ready to fight, to insist that he was fucking wrong. That everything was fucking wrong.
“Brian, no,” I grabbed his shoulders and tried to convince him. “There is no fucking way I wouldn’t know…” and he couldn’t fucking look me in the eye.
“But, Jesus, Brian - It makes no sense. There is no fucking reason that I would have these fucking dreams and not know what I was doing..."
You know in cheesy horror stories how they always talk about dread being cold and settling in the gut? They all talk about it because that is exactly what happens. Brian moved me into the shower and I realized that none of this was the first time for him. I saw it and then I knew and that is the moment that I gave up.
TBC
Previous bits are linked to from here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sisabet/96690.html
Warning: Horror. Set after season three.
the sun breaks down 5/?
There was so much blood. It was all over the sink and on the floor and on me and apparently I was bleeding but I didn’t really know how or why or anything at all. I was terrified and the blood was everywhere and I kept thinking about Daphne and needing to touch Brian and know that he was still there. He wasn’t going far so it wasn’t hard to do. He had grabbed a towel and maneuvered me to the toilet to sit down. I freaked out some when he put the towel over my face, but than I realized that I was cut, and he was trying to stop the bleeding. God, the blood, it was just everywhere. Then I remembered, and I tried to tell Brian about my mother, that we had to get to her, something terrible had happened to her, and we had to find her.
Brian didn’t say anything. He just grabbed another towel and threw the bloody one on the floor, where it blended in with everything else.
“Brian,” I grabbed his arm, “Listen to me. She could be hurt. I saw it, before the hammer came at me, I saw my mother, and it was just like before.”
Brian took my hand and raised it to the towel, “Hold this – put pressure on it.” Then he turned toward the sink and turned on the tap.
“Brian, you don’t understand. Before, with Daphne, I saw it. I was dreaming, but I was there and it happened,” and I know that at this point I was pretty hysterical. I know that what I was saying wasn’t making sense. I know Brian was trying to hold it together and none of this could have been easy. I know that the facts and common sense all pointed in one direction and I know that none of this was his fault. I know all of this, and right now, sitting here, thinking back on it, I am honestly trying to understand. And the thing is, I totally do. I understand exactly what was going through his mind, actually. I understand so well that I’m kinda surprised. It doesn’t make it any easier. But then, in that moment, I didn’t have a clue. I just kept on about my mom and the dream and seeing Daphne and her face and I think I was screaming at that point. I was sitting, naked on the toilet, bleeding and screaming.
“Christ!”
I was so shocked by Brian yelling that I just shut up. I noticed he was looking in the mirror above the sink and it was cracked – well – more like smashed in the middle. Brian was bent over a bit and both of his hands were grasping at the sink edges and his left one was kind of slipping in the blood and if I close my eyes, I can see it now. Hell, there is so fucking much I can see if I close my eyes, that I don’t think I will, okay? How does that sound? How about I just never close my fucking eyes again? I think I can live with that. Shit, I am just so fucking funny right now. Imminent death has made me a goddamned comedian.
I just…I really hate what happened. I’d like to skip it, but dammit – this won’t make the papers and I am ashamed to…shit. Fuck. This is what happened. Brian told me what happened and it broke me. I broke. I broke and then I broke him and fuck, maybe he was broken first. Yeah, that’s what did it. Brian broke and I saw it and… I know, I do, I know that none of this is his fault. It isn’t. It isn’t his fault, any of this. I know this. Shit.
Brian was still facing the mirror and he was talking very slowly and deliberately. “You got out of bed and came in here. When you didn’t come back…” He stopped and bent his head forward, closing his eyes.
“What?” I felt cold and I knew then that something was happening. “What?”
Brian looked at me when I raised my voice. “Shit, Justin. You have to apply pressure.” He moved to a kneeling position in front of me and reached for the towel. I let him take it, grabbing his face with both of my hands and forcing him to really look at me.
“Tell me.”
Brian looked into my eyes, “When I walked into the bathroom, you were standing at the sink. You were carving into your head with that razor.”
For those of you keeping track at home, this is when I noticed the blade on the floor by the sink. It was an understandable oversight, as in the whole red motif I had going on, it wasn’t readily visible.
“I was dreaming…”
Brian nodded. “I know.” He swallowed and looked away. “I couldn’t get you to stop.”
“Brian, it wasn’t me. I was trapped in this vise and…”
“I couldn’t get you to stop.”
“…I couldn’t move and this hammer…”
“Justin!” Brian pulled back from me and put his free hand on my knee. He looked up at me and said, “I couldn’t get you to stop. You were cutting yourself and you would not stop.”
“No, I was at Babylon…”
“I grabbed you. I grabbed you and you still wouldn’t stop. I shook you and you wouldn’t drop the razor. You would not stop. I held your arms down and you fought me. Christ, you broke the fucking mirror..” Brian trailed off and turned his face away from me. “You wouldn’t fucking stop.”
“I was dreaming.”
Brian closed his eyes, “I know.” He put my hand back over the towel and told me to hold it there and went back over to the sink. He came back with a wet towel and started trying to clean me up.
Maybe if I had been thinking clearer I would have figured it out by then. I don’t know what I was thinking as I sat there. I don’t know if I was thinking at all. I must have though – I had to have been because I knew. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was something and I forced him to tell me. He didn’t want to talk and, Jesus, I just, I made him.
“I was dreaming before. This afternoon.” Brian was standing over me and looking at the cut. He didn’t say anything so I tilted my head back to look at him. “I saw Daphne.”
Brian closed his eyes and I knew but I didn’t know. I didn’t know enough to know that I didn’t want to know. Jesus. I don’t even think I am making sense anymore. Lack of sleep, a massive drug intake, and a police manhunt will kinda throw a boy for a loop, y’know? Not to mention the dying people everywhere I turn. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I didn’t know any of that then. I just knew something, and I needed Brian to tell me what that was.
“I saw Daphne, then I fell and you were there.”
Brian just stood there.
“What did you see?” It was all I could do to force the words out.
He clenched his jaw and opened his eyes. “Get in the shower; I can’t clean you up enough with the towels.”
I wasn’t budging. “I need to know what you saw.”
Brian swallowed and looked over my shoulder and stared down the wall behind me. “C’mon.” He tugged at my arm.
“What did you see?”
He looked at me then, and I’ve seen him afraid before. I have. I’ve seen him frightened and I’ve seen him desperate and I’ve seen him horrified. I’ve seen him all three things in a single instant and that was the last thing I could remember for a very long time. I’ve never seen him like this.
He kneeled down again and reached up for me. He brought my lips to his and he whispered, “Don’t. Not now,” and then he kissed my forehead. I wanted to just sit there. I wanted to just go along with him and let him clean me up and try to put this off for just a few more minutes. I wanted to do all of that. I really did. I didn’t do it, but I wanted to.
“Please.”
He pulled back to look at me. I forced myself to meet his gaze. If we were going to do this, then we were going to do it. I saw him swallow, but when he spoke it was very matter-of-factly.
“I got home this afternoon and you weren’t here. I went to Daphne’s and I saw you from the street. You were on the edge of the roof and you were just standing there. Then you started swaying back and forth. I yelled, but you acted like you didn’t hear me. Same as when I got up there.” Brian broke eye contact and pulled away from me. It was fractionally, actually – but I noticed.
“I yelled for you to get back. I told you that you would fall, but you just stood there. I grabbed your arm and you started leaning forward. If I hadn’t grabbed you, you would have fallen. I just pulled you back as hard as I could and threw you toward the center of the roof. Then you woke up…” Brian stopped and finally looked back at me and that is when I saw it and that is the moment that I knew and really knew. It started coming together for me and I saw what Brian must have seen: me leaning over the edge then looking at him from the ground. Shit there was blood on my t-shirt, wasn’t there? Then just knowing about Daphne and then finding her...and tonight I cut myself. I looked at Brian and I knew it all.
“No.” I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t accept any of it and more than anything I wanted Brian to lie to me. I wanted him to agree that there was no way I could have done this. I wanted him to do something and make this not be happening – any of this. I wanted him to fucking fix it. I wanted him to make this the dream – and wake up and none of this past day had happened. Instead of that, he just looked at me and kind of held me in place because at this point I was ready to rappel off the walls. I was at a precipice, and damn, I did not want to look over the edge. I was actually ready to fight, to insist that he was fucking wrong. That everything was fucking wrong.
“Brian, no,” I grabbed his shoulders and tried to convince him. “There is no fucking way I wouldn’t know…” and he couldn’t fucking look me in the eye.
“But, Jesus, Brian - It makes no sense. There is no fucking reason that I would have these fucking dreams and not know what I was doing..."
You know in cheesy horror stories how they always talk about dread being cold and settling in the gut? They all talk about it because that is exactly what happens. Brian moved me into the shower and I realized that none of this was the first time for him. I saw it and then I knew and that is the moment that I gave up.
TBC
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Date: 2004-01-02 12:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-02 01:21 pm (UTC)