How Am I? I'm Dazzling
Aug. 11th, 2003 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sisabetSo I have been AWOL from the computer this weekend. Inspired by the bracelet from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
valereix and drdawn's braces, I've been busy getting in touch with my inner Brian Kinney. And I would tell the lot of you to get your minds out of the gutter - not like that, but I like your minds in the gutter and if it pleases you to envision me in numerous perverted scenarios, hey - who am I to take away from your good time? Have at it. Let me in on the details.
My Inner Brian - who is he? Is he a he? Does gender matter? I had to seriously contemplate these things when I got home from work on Friday evening. I eventually decided that Brian does not spend nearly this much time or energy on self-analyzation, drank a beer and chilled. That is when it hit me: Brian does pretty much what he wants to do: whether or not it is self-destructive or what he really wants to do is a matter for debate. My opinion is that he will just go with his first instinct - and if that means he ends up in a rut of sex, drugs and booze, so be it. I had to think - what did I want to do Friday - what was my immediate impulse? So I did exactly as my inner Brian told me to do and I took a nap. And that was pretty much my weekend. My inner Brian was veeerrrry sleepy. He/she has been partying their ass off since they moved and needed a weekend of rest. Apparently my inner Brian is not so much a social-animal as a bed-hog. I'm okay with that.
There have been other developments on the Inner Brian front that are more positive. Namely, I feel more confident and assertive and I am back to looking people in the eye - a habit I got out of a long time ago and I'm really glad it's coming back. It feels like me. Boy I kissed last weekend called and ....
I never really posted about that - did I? Okay - last weekend I'm at this party and it actually for this guy's birthday - I don't know him, but a friend of mine knows the guy throwing the party (he was a total hottie) and whatever - I was there. And the Birthday Boy liked me - a lot. I did not hate him. I was not really attracted to him, but it was his birthday and he was a nice fellow, so I talked to him.
Eventually a political discussion debate got started between me and the hottie throwing the party. We were arguing affirmative action - race vrs. economics - and he was really good. He was prepared - he had data references and studies and I was a bit drunker and really not wanting to cede my point, but at a certain junture in time I had to tell him that he actually made some really valid points and I would have to give it serious thought while sober. I hate that. I mean, I hate not winning a debate - but once I realized I was bringing up Shell Oil and corporate-sponsored dictatorships and genocide, I had to admit that maybe I was grasping at straws, since the original debate centered around Eastern Kentucky and State College admissions procedures. But whatever - that got me going and I went outside and birthday boy followed me and I was still keeping it on a friendly level but then he had to go and bring up Nigeria... so I kissed him. I'm only human, yo.
But back to this weekend - so this guy calls - and he is nice. But I don't really like him. He agrees with me too much and I find that icky - now his hottie friend that won the debate - he would probably be my One True Pair. I don't even know if he was a hottie to me before we started talking...yeah - he was pretty fine. But anyhoo - I probably would have gone out with this guy anyway - he is nice and I wouldn't really know how to say no to a date and I would most likely have been bored and miserable. My Inner Brian said, "Hell No." and I let him down somewhat easily. Actually I was in the process of letting him down when the delivery men showed up and I had to get off the phone. But IF he calls again? I am so not going out with him. Self-Justification for Self-Destructive and Avoidant Habits? You Betcha - it's the Brian Kinney Way!
Now I have to go back to work and be brilliant. This is also helping me career-wise because everytime I drift off at my desk and want to daydream about Justin, I just remind myself that Brian does not do that and it is that much more difficult for him. Me and Brian - we get through our days by very actively *not* thinking about Justin. I think he is better at it than me, but I'm working on it.
valereix and drdawn's braces, I've been busy getting in touch with my inner Brian Kinney. And I would tell the lot of you to get your minds out of the gutter - not like that, but I like your minds in the gutter and if it pleases you to envision me in numerous perverted scenarios, hey - who am I to take away from your good time? Have at it. Let me in on the details. My Inner Brian - who is he? Is he a he? Does gender matter? I had to seriously contemplate these things when I got home from work on Friday evening. I eventually decided that Brian does not spend nearly this much time or energy on self-analyzation, drank a beer and chilled. That is when it hit me: Brian does pretty much what he wants to do: whether or not it is self-destructive or what he really wants to do is a matter for debate. My opinion is that he will just go with his first instinct - and if that means he ends up in a rut of sex, drugs and booze, so be it. I had to think - what did I want to do Friday - what was my immediate impulse? So I did exactly as my inner Brian told me to do and I took a nap. And that was pretty much my weekend. My inner Brian was veeerrrry sleepy. He/she has been partying their ass off since they moved and needed a weekend of rest. Apparently my inner Brian is not so much a social-animal as a bed-hog. I'm okay with that.
There have been other developments on the Inner Brian front that are more positive. Namely, I feel more confident and assertive and I am back to looking people in the eye - a habit I got out of a long time ago and I'm really glad it's coming back. It feels like me. Boy I kissed last weekend called and ....
I never really posted about that - did I? Okay - last weekend I'm at this party and it actually for this guy's birthday - I don't know him, but a friend of mine knows the guy throwing the party (he was a total hottie) and whatever - I was there. And the Birthday Boy liked me - a lot. I did not hate him. I was not really attracted to him, but it was his birthday and he was a nice fellow, so I talked to him.
Eventually a political discussion debate got started between me and the hottie throwing the party. We were arguing affirmative action - race vrs. economics - and he was really good. He was prepared - he had data references and studies and I was a bit drunker and really not wanting to cede my point, but at a certain junture in time I had to tell him that he actually made some really valid points and I would have to give it serious thought while sober. I hate that. I mean, I hate not winning a debate - but once I realized I was bringing up Shell Oil and corporate-sponsored dictatorships and genocide, I had to admit that maybe I was grasping at straws, since the original debate centered around Eastern Kentucky and State College admissions procedures. But whatever - that got me going and I went outside and birthday boy followed me and I was still keeping it on a friendly level but then he had to go and bring up Nigeria... so I kissed him. I'm only human, yo.
But back to this weekend - so this guy calls - and he is nice. But I don't really like him. He agrees with me too much and I find that icky - now his hottie friend that won the debate - he would probably be my One True Pair. I don't even know if he was a hottie to me before we started talking...yeah - he was pretty fine. But anyhoo - I probably would have gone out with this guy anyway - he is nice and I wouldn't really know how to say no to a date and I would most likely have been bored and miserable. My Inner Brian said, "Hell No." and I let him down somewhat easily. Actually I was in the process of letting him down when the delivery men showed up and I had to get off the phone. But IF he calls again? I am so not going out with him. Self-Justification for Self-Destructive and Avoidant Habits? You Betcha - it's the Brian Kinney Way!
Now I have to go back to work and be brilliant. This is also helping me career-wise because everytime I drift off at my desk and want to daydream about Justin, I just remind myself that Brian does not do that and it is that much more difficult for him. Me and Brian - we get through our days by very actively *not* thinking about Justin. I think he is better at it than me, but I'm working on it.
