Here I Weep

[sisabet]

Computers went down on Friday and I came into the office today to discover that not only are we down several teammembers due to vacation and what-not and I am covering for their claims today but also since the computers were down on Friday (again) I am also covering for their claims on Friday. Oh. And Saturday. And Sunday. Let us not forget Monday.

I am absolutely swamped. Why am I even updating?

Well - I just found out (officially and actually in the nicest way possible) that I didn't get the promotion. I knew I wasn't getting it and I told all of you I was not getting it and the person I suspect got it was a better candidate (which is why I did not get it) but it still sucks cause now I have all this work to do but I also have to deal with the Official Acknowledgement of Rejection and I am a bit pissed about this emotional baggage. Just - no sympathy or hugs about this. I'm stressed about VVC and really fragile and just do not want to even think or talk about this ever again. It is over. I've made my peace. Let us Move On.

Cause there is still some stuff really bugging me. I had to go to church on Sunday and not ONLY did I have to listen to a conflicting messages about how lucky we are to live in a country where we have freedom to worship - I also had to hear about how terrible it is is that we are trying to drive Jesus out of government (cause you know that Jesus. Always with the politics!) and how Christianity is suffering and also that the Founding Father's never intended for us to not have the 10 commandments posted just everywhere in the world (of course - the Founding Fathers also kept slaves. Let's not forget that while the Declaration of Independence is a wonderful document and the Bill of Rights is Great and Keen and Bully for the Constitution -- The Founding Fathers were not saints and also quite capable of being complete and total bastards. And wasn't Ben Franklin an atheist?).

There was more - but I tuned it out and tried to read Song of Solomon, except the church Bible was the New International Version and man - that sucks. Seriously - my kingdom last Sunday morning for King James (or something).

It just sucks. It really does. It sucks to be in a house of worship and actually be interested in the worshipping part and not be able to do it because you are filled with anger over the absolute crap that is being spewed. It sucks to not be able to rebut from the pew. It sucks to sit there and watch heads nod mindlessly and repeat back "amen" over and over when the point that was just made was not statistically or even biblically sound. They don't care. Sounds good to them.

I cannot do this anymore and maintain my sanity. I cannot. I love my uncle. I do. But if he is going to quote Larry the Cable Guy in his sermon, then I am quite sure he is no longer someone to whom I can look to with any confidence at all to advise me on the matter of my soul and my spiritual wellness.

And I know it is important to my mother that I attend church with her. I understand that and you know - I have really really tried. But I can't do it. I can't. I lack the ability to sit and let things fly over my head and not try to pull them apart and look at what is really being said and to ask me to do that in silence and not even discuss my issues or doubts later on? That is sheer torture. It is not putting me in any frame of mind that one should be in when they are in a church, that is for certain.

Two days later and I am still upset. I mean, really really upset. I hold my own truths to be self-evident and I can't disrespect that or myself anymore. I just cannot. They raised me to not hide. They are the ones who taught me that and dammit. I am tired or the push-pull and the conflicting messages and all the cognitive dissonance of sitting on a wooden pew and hearing one thing but knowing another and knowing the futility of trying to argue and debate and gah - ending up in a battle of Bible verses, cause yeah - the Bible NEVER contradicts itself.

It just becomes so crass and self-serving, this picking and chosing and cloaking of self-righteousness and the mindlessness that goes into accepting it. It is so much easier to turn over all thought and interpretation to these Old White Dudes and yet... that would be wrong. That would be immoral. That would be me abandoning my faith. That would be me abandoning who I am and if I am made in the image of God, then that would be me abandoning God because this is what ultimately makes me unique and just me and to fail in that would void my actual faith because that faith was won in a hard fight. That faith is tough and it is strong and it is mine and if I just left it there to rot and adopted this other mindset, the one they want me to have, I would be betraying that. It would make it worthless.

And there is a seductiveness in the mindlessness. In the act of letting someone else just dictate to me the terms of my spirit and to just tell me what is right and wrong and it is all black and white and I don't have to worry about any of this anymore. There is a very dark temptation to just do that - because it is easy. It is really, extremely easy and then you have your cloak of righteousness and it allows you to believe things like people with AIDS are being punished by God. It allows you to believe that the world will end in fire and brimstone, yet you will be spared. Everyone who doesn't agree with you will suffer in torment forever, but you - you will be spared. It allows you to believe that other people - because they are destined to NOT be spared - do not deserve to have the same rights and protections that you enjoy. It allows you to turn a blind eye to compassion because you only offer aid with strings attached and eventually you will believe that those less fortunate somehow have caused themselves to be in this situation.

It allows you to stand in judgement of the world because you are suddenly One with God and yet you don't think at all about what any of this means or even if this is what your faith, which you protest is strong, even proscribes you do.

And I refuse this. I reject it. I won't do it. It is immoral and wrong and it hurts me to watch it happening. My life is not for this and it is not about this and in the end I am glad my faith is strong because otherwise, the other choice, is my own Hell.

Comments

[luminosity]

OH MY GOD. Did you read what I wrote earlier today?? We scare me.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

I haven't had any time at all to even read LJ. I had to write this because I was sooo upset and just had to get it off my chest or I was gonna end up crying in the ladies room. Again.

::runs off to read your lj::

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

This was me 10 years ago.

Yeah dad, I'm glad you're happy in your faith and it meets your needs, but it really really does not work for me.

Free Will is a thorny thing isn't it. Go you. And breathe easier.

[missmurchison.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about the church thing. A few years ago, I went to church with my mom because she married my dad on the direct inspiration of the Blessed Virgin Mary even though he was a Methodist at the time and because I know it pains her that I'm the only one of her children that won't pretend to be a loyal Catholic, not to mention the whole marrying a Jewish guy thing and OMG! my kids have never been baptised.

The reading was Mary and Martha, one of my favorite stories. The damn priest got up there and twisted it around so that Martha was the one who was right. This man seemed to have no clue he was contradicting Jesus from the pulpit.

I haven't been back to church since except for funerals. Oddly, with every year of absence, I feel more spiritually connected.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Oh, doll, I'm so sorry. For all the shit I talk about my family, I've never had to have arguments or seething rage about fundamentally different belief systems, and for this I am really truly grateful when I read what you and sockkpuppett say.

I know you can't, but I wish for you that you *would* stand up in Church and shout your rebuttal from the pew. I know it can never happen for so many reasons, but if you did I am willing to put money down that at least one other person there would be silently cheering you on. I don't think you're alone. I refuse to believe it.

And yes, Franklin was an Atheist. And Jefferson was forced to put a mention of God in the Declaration of Independence - the original draft did not include the line about Divine Providence.

And you will find God nowhere in our Constitution. Heh - God is Now here. Your faith is strong and God is now here. I know you don't believe God lives in a building - and I hope you can find the strength to follow that, even if it means hurting your mom.

[klia.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, I feel your pain and outrage. Aside from not having an uncle who's a pastor, I could've written that rant. I ended up walking away from the church I was raised in when the hypocrisy got too intense for me to stomach, and no one else seemed to even notice it, much less be upset by it. It really soured me on organized religion as a whole.

It is really, extremely easy and then you have your cloak of righteousness and it allows you to believe things like people with AIDS are being punished by God.

You know, those people never seem to have an answer when I ask them why it is, then, that lesbians have the lowest incidence of HIV contraction/AIDS. Shouldn't that mean they're the chosen people, or something?

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I feel so much compassion for you, and for the other Christians who are feeling forced to go to church and listen to stuff they know is wrong. The social pressure in some communities, and some families, is extreme, and I think it hurts everyone when people who don't agree are forced to put up a united front.

Belief is personal. Your faith is stronger than what these pressures can do. I applaud you for being strong and being yourself. And I'm sorry for the family conflict it brings.

[witling.livejournal.com]

Oy vey, chica. I'm so sorry. And you're so very right.

[way2busymom.livejournal.com]

I had a long, convoluted response to your post. But really. It says the same thing you just did.

Sometimes it is harder to have Faith in the middle of a congregation of devout believers than anywhere else in this world.

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

Actually Ben Franklin wasn't an Atheist. I think he may have been a Methodist or something. He more or less thought that religeon was a pretty good thing but was not overly committed to a particular theology. He was instrumental in setting up a Jewish Temple or two, as well. If I remember correctly, there were ministers from 9 different faiths, including a rabbi, presiding at his funeral.

Hugs

[kimberlyfdr.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you. We all come to our beliefs individually and I went through some of the same things you did. For myself, I cannot see the over-arching dictation of someone else telling me what is right or wrong as being what I'm supposed to abide by. That's why I refuse to lead a congregation as a minister. When I got ordained, I made it clear that we each have to come to our own understanding of what we believe and I would never pretend to have the right to tell others what was right or wrong in what they believe. It is an individual choice and an individual understanding.

[just-eunice.livejournal.com]

Just...*hug*. I wish I had more to offer than that.

[piper47.livejournal.com]

It just sucks. It really does. It sucks to be in a house of worship and actually be interested in the worshipping part and not be able to do it because you are filled with anger over the absolute crap that is being spewed. It sucks to not be able to rebut from the pew. It sucks to sit there and watch heads nod mindlessly and repeat back "amen" over and over when the point that was just made was not statistically or even biblically sound. They don't care. Sounds good to them.

You pretty much just described my feelings after being dragged to the mormon church by some "friends".

::sigh::

::hugs::

[wrenlet.livejournal.com]

*hugs* ... and you can't change churches, can you :( Can you? I don't know what's around you, so I can't even... argh.

If it helps at all, the chorus of voices pointing out how very un-Christian some of these Christian churches are is getting louder and louder. You might be alone in the building, but you're not alone in the world.

[fourleftxaviers.livejournal.com]

Good for you for being true to yourself and your own beliefs and moral code. That takes real guts.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you made the decision you need, but I wish it were easier.

[lexcorpninja.livejournal.com]

I can't stand it either.

I stopped going to church about four years ago because I could not take it anymore. Everything you said above was exactly what I was saying. It got to the point that as soon as anyone mentioned God, I wanted to gouge their (or my) eyes out. I just shut down. I didn't understand it because I didn't know how I could believe and want to make myself better but at the same time be disgusted when people talk of God.

The change for me actually didn't come until last quarter. I found a reason to be Catholic. I found someone who was smart and had a talent for helping others to understand. He said shit that no one else was willing to say, and it made us really think about everything. His number one point of the evening: Jesus was a complete failure.

He is Jesuit priest and I met him when I took one of his philosophy classes. He is exactly the kind of priest that I have been looking for. Logical, sane, intelligent, thought-provoking, and a great role model.

My advice: find some Jesuits. They have one of the best histories as a group, and you actually have to be intelligent (pHd) to be one. I can't guarrantee that they are all good, but going to a Jesuit school has really made all the difference for me. I feel like all that spirituality that went untapped because of all the stupidity of the church has finally been given a way out.

As for me now, I reject the church as an organized religion. But I read the theology and philosophy of it all and try to apply that to my life. I may not be getting the eucharist every Sunday, but at least I am thoroughly examining myself and the world around me, without glossy eyes and zombie responses.

My religion? Has to be smart.

[elynross.livejournal.com]

And there is a seductiveness in the mindlessness. In the act of letting someone else just dictate to me the terms of my spirit and to just tell me what is right and wrong and it is all black and white and I don't have to worry about any of this anymore.

This is one of the things I truly value about the Episcopal Church -- it makes it into jokes about fence-sitting and being wishy-washy, but that's because so often it refuses to make those choices for us. It says, "this is the core of what we believe, and we'll try and guide you, but you have to make these tough calls yourself." And you're right, that's what I finally figured out about the appeal of both the Catholic church, and the more conservative/fundamentalist churches: they tell you what's right and wrong, and trying to figure it out for yourself is really hard -- and what if you get it wrong?

Hugs, only for the stress about church. I'm sorry it's being so wretched. It's supposed to be a place of strength and comfort, and it's incredibly hard when you have to use that strength in this way.