Vidding is HARD and Other Natterings (and I think this is the first time I have ever used that word)

So, interesting stuff resulted from my poll. You can still vote in it if you want but geez - once I post this it will be 3 posts back and who even knows if I will remember it exists tomorrow.

I am not known for my attention span.

But it was fun checking in on it yesterday and watching the numbers move. I was not expecting "Two Words" to win actually - but it got out front early on and was soon the odds on favorite. That's good to know. I'm also less likely to tinker with its encode so I'll be posting it soon. Not first - sorry - first vid I repost will be SOS with 1 vote! ONE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! But that vote came with a request from sdwolfpup to also rec the vid somewhere and the thing that you have to know about me is that I am a big ole whore. I am.

Also? I think that I should open my brand new website with my Lord King Bad Vids. I was gonna put title cards on them last night but I was really tired and not all that capable of operating title cards last night and renenet made me go to bed. And Cappy is visiting this weekend so who knows when I'll get around to it. But I need to do that soon.

And I need to finish that due South vid cause I cannot start another project with it on my hard drive.

I just realized that this post is going to be about that part of the process - my least favorite part actually - Finishing the vid.

I love the pre-vidding stage. I *live* in the pre-vidding stage - listening to the song, feeling the movement and connecting it to either a story or a character or an emotional arc or something and in my head it is perfect. And I can vid ANYTHING I want to vid in my head. In my head I have vids for fanfic. I have vids for things that never happened. If I am listening to a song? I am vidding it in my head.

In many many ways - before a clip is ever laid and something unrealized becomes an actuality - that is my favorite part. This is why my To-Vid list gets longer and longer and I keep listening and looking for new ideas. It is a way of reveling in a song and a concept and there is no small measure of the thrill of the hunt in there as well. The ole "I Love This Song, Now What the Hell Is It About?" and all.

Finishing a vid means it is over. It means this is all you can do - and sometimes that is really hard to admit. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try and how much reassurance you get - you never get to the moment where you feel right with the vid. Sometimes you do - and that feeling - feeling like, wow, this is it! I did it! This is what it is supposed to be! Well, that is an incredible feeling. So you want to feel that all the time - but when you don't know what the issue is - only that there is an issue, how do you fix it?

How do you make the vid into what it is supposed to be when you aren't even sure what that is? And I know what this means. I do. It means I have a severe flaw in my concept and I need to sit my Usually-Relying-On-My-Subconscious-Self down and make her think about what and why she is doing. And she is a whiny little bitch who hates to talk and likes to point and go "Oh! Shiny!" or in this particular case "Bear!" and then I feel like I should just throttle her but that isn't right because she can't help that she has a communication delay. It isn't her fault that I hate to actually think and I have infected her with that.

A lot of times - she hangs out in the previd stage and kind of runs around ala Vanna White with the source in my head and she will connect this and that and this and she is just as cute as a button doing that. And if she is really firing on all cylinders - all I have to do is sit down at the computer and basically do anything but think.

But then you get to the end and sometimes her little A into B into C has taken a turn into M and how do you make that work? Or? She totally has y = mx + b, where m is the slope of the line and b is the y-intercept, except she has NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. She doesn't think linearly and I can but I don't like to do it because it is hard.

So what happens is I get frustrated and it gets compounded because vidding is where I go to relieve my frustrations and now it just makes it all worse. I am stuck here and I can't start another project (JOY! I LOVE STARTING PROJECTS) because I have to finish this and it all spirals down into an abusive cycle of me being very very mean to my Usually-Relying-On-My-Subconscious-Self and faulting them for behaviors that I have previously rewarded.

So - while vidding for myself, my own personal gratification as a method of artistic release - while this is why I vid, I think my motivation for actually finishing a vid is much more complicated. I think the impetus is still realizing some sort of artistic self satisfaction but the process is just too fraught for that to be it. I mean - if I was just doing this for fun, I'd never finish a vid, y'know (and no one is allowed to point at the pile of unfinished projects on my harddrive. I have issues finishing things - we know this)? And if I was just doing it for artistic satisfaction, I'd not worry about comments or reception or posting it. I think that it is all wrapped up and intertwined and possibly looks like Scully's tattoo only cubed. And multidimensional.

And Vidding is HARD and I can't do it when I am cranky and tired.

Actually - this probably speaks of the entirely freeing nature of the Lord King Bad Vid. You have both the knowledge that heavy thinking is not only not required, but actively discouraged and that *someone* out there will love your LKBV as you do.