Krispy Kreme Donuts are Five Points Each...

Lately - just lately, mind you - I have felt extremely unattractive. It didn't bother me that much at first, just a voice in the back of my mind when I passed a mirror, but easy to ignore. Until just now. Granted, I am normally oblivious to flirting and all that stuff but I do notice some things and the biggest thing to come out of my paying attention is that not only am I no longer getting second glances - I am not even rating first looks! I am slinking past, unnoticed, in a dumpy cloud of boring clothes and frizzy hair and glasses and while I am no supermodel, I deserve to be oogled! At least just a little.

So I am in day three of my total vanity diet and as of now I am obsessed with food. So, yeah - this is me on a diet. I'm going over all these different point spreads at fast food places and calculating exactly what I can have at lunch and then strategizing my afternoon and evening plans. It is a bit of a game - this is the only way I can pay attention and actually lose weight. Free form diets that restrict certain foods? All I can think about is that food. It becomes like, Phantom of the Opera, or something with the fettucine alfredo playing the part of the young soprano. I just can't deal with knowing for certain that something, anything - is totally off the table. Hell, I'd probably start wanting Lima Beans if I was told I couldn't have them. So I do the Weight Watchers points thing cause basically I can eat anything - I just have to prioritize. I can have a Big Mac - but I have to decide if it is worth the points for me that day. It is almost like I get to plot against the Weight Loss Powers that be and figure out ways to sneak in under the radar with my french fries and frosty (frosty jr. has 3.5 points!).

It is this reason that I do not do well with meetings. I also don't diet well with others - I get competitive and then depressed if they do better than me. I used to melt butter and pour it over Dawn's portions back when we were dieting in tandem. If she ate 24 points and was still hungry, I'd lay around and talk about how hard it was to *force* myself to eat all of the minimum 18 points required daily. I seethe during "inspirational" speeches and it just... well, normally I am a very kind person. I am. I want to make other people happy and I am all down with love of humanity. Unless I am hungry. Then I become a very different person. I am like Bruce Banner getting angry - just avoid, avoid, avoid. I don't care about you or your goals or any of it because all I see is the fried chicken and pie I am not having and do not even talk to me right now.

But that is only when I try to be social about dieting - as long as I keep the diet and the social separate, it is easy for me to compartmentalize my food-related aggression. Aggression that is growing and I am attempting to keep in check - like, as of now? When I hit 22 points, I go to bed. This is as regimented as I will ever get about anything. I mean I am not military focused here, but this is me and this is pretty damned focused for me. Unless I add exercise. Ack! Exercise is my Arch-Nemesis! But maybe exercise is just Lex to my Clark and possibly I am very invested in koimistress's "Gilgamesh" WIP.

I'm hoping to start feeling pretty again in just a few weeks. Maybe if I refill my contact prescription, that will help as well.

Also? Nothing that I put in my morning coffee counts towards any of my daily points because it is just cruel to expect me to consider things like diets and my clothes fitting and nutrition before I have had my coffee. I can't calculate points until I have had at least two cups of coffee. That is when the diet begins.