Vidding Post: Not Really Sure What This Is About.

So right now I am very mellow - subject to change of course - but at this very moment I am Ms. Smoooooth Sailing.

When you live with other people and you want to listen to one song, over and over again, and nothing else, you either have to wear headphones or you just don't because it is really kinda rude to everyone else.

When you live alone, you just hit the repeat button on the CD player. The dog does not seem to mind.

I can get so much more accomplished when I am not tied to the headphones. Just an observation.

I also want to thank heres_luck and renenet for answering my depression the other night with an extreme playlist of JAUNTY TUNES!!! See, I am insane - but you know that already - and I am maybe a skoosh obsessed with "The Invisible Man" and well, you knew that already as well. Maybe a bit more than a skoosh. A tad bit obsessed. This is all fairly normal for me. I mean - I have to remember Smallville. I was extremely uneasy for a period of time when I first became really interested in Smallville, just before I found a song for the show. I didn't even end up vidding that particular song ("Add It Up" - Violent Femmes) but just having it to put on repeat calmed me, and let me think about Lex and Lex-visuals and I had a vid in my head and this is something I need to be sane. I need to have a fairly stable routine, I need to have good sleep hygeniene, I need to have contact with certain people on a regular basis, and I need a vid in my head to whatever I am currently obsessed with.

Most of the time, I never vid that first song idea...but it does lead to other ideas and eventually there is a vid and that makes me happy - and is also necessary for the sanity, but I would argue that the vid in my head is actually more important than the video I create. I have a certain amount of inclination to live in my own head anyway - I am rarely bored - so if you took away my computer - I would not be happy. I might even become seriously depressed - because I do need an outlet - a place to dump all my creative impulses - and the computer fulfills that role quite efficiently. I used to knit and that was nice, but I think the computer stimulates my mind much more. I seem much happier now. Also, that pesky arthritis doesn't bother me as much. Candlemaking and aromatherapy as outlets were messy and expensive and while yoga was probably the healthiest thing I did - I was soooo bored. Which was interesting in its novelty, but not for long. I'm just not that interested in my body or my physicality and it will not intrigue me for an extended period of time. My body is boring, but Angel's body...well - If I could bend him into all sorts of positions maybe that would be an incentive?

The computer seems to keep me creatively challenged and somewhat focussed as every now and then there is something completed that I can look at and go: Yes. I made that. Look. This is something I made. This means [fill in the blank] to me and this is me trying to share [whatever] with others. And that is an exchange of ideas, that is me expressing an opinion, or how I feel, about a creative medium that has touched me deep enough that I am motivated to attempt to show that emotion through this method - which is setting clips to music, in its simplest form. But it can be so much more than the "clips to music" - it can be an expression in its own right, akin to fiction at times, or an essay at others, or; and this is when I get blown away, a painting. It can be art. I can be an artist. Sometimes. I've always wanted to be an artist. It matters to me, to my self-esteem I suppose, that I can look at something that came from me and I can say: that, to me, is art. I made art. It does not define my self-esteem and it does not create it. I have not been vidding that long and I don't lie when I say that I love myself, I think I'm pretty damn terrific and I thought this long before I ever had a computer. No, it does not define me or limit me, but it does add to me. It gives me something that I did not have before and that is artistic credibility - to me. And that is really all I need. I don't need to be able to walk into a gallery and have people fawn over me, or reviews in a paper...or even - well even comments in an LJ - all of those things are nice or I am sure they are nice (I've never had fawning or reviews, but they seem like fun) but just not necessary. I believe that I made art, therefore I have credibilty with me. I'm a pretty harsh critic, so I respect my opinion. Well, I am harsh with myself. It's a thing.

But - I don't have to have that to be sane. I don't. I think that I do on some days and it is true a smidge - I do need that outlet. Seems to me, though, that I've lost avenues of expression before in my life - having to slow and then eventually stop knitting due to the hand pain comes to mind as one of the latest examples of such a time. And that was difficult - I was really depressed there for awhile. Then I found vidding and it was better. Better than before even.

So I don't try to kid myself and think that everything I am is wrapped up in an editing program, because - well I am much more complex than that. I would eventually find another outlet - perhaps dressage or gardening ::sniff:: Oo, la,la...

::tries to walk with nose in the air::

::trips::

But if I lost the stories and the images in my head - then I would not be me anymore. I would go nuts. I get antsy when the images in my head and the story don't match what I am currently obsessed with - imagine me if you take that away completely?

So I was scrambling - looking for a song to fit my brain - and sometimes you just know the song is on this one particular CD and you are like a starving person consuming that album and nothing is clicking and this is impossible because you know - you just know - that the song you need is there. Sometimes it hides.

And sometimes you get distracted by over-identifying with a fictional character and suddenly the character's issues became way to close to your issues and you suddenly find yourself dealing with stuff...stuff that you can deal with actually - and that you deal with all the time - but unable to process it the way you need to because it suddenly has taken up residence in your brain, in vid form and you can't get away from it.

And let's face it - a big plus about living in your own head is escapism. If I wanted to deal with my problems all the time, I'd be in therapy. Or, posting to LJ. My vid in my head is a way for me to chill the fuck out and take a break. And if when I take a break, I am constantly saying goodbye to Cordy or watching Darien deal with losing his brother over and over again - well that is not much of a break. And, while if I am able to channel my own issues into what I believe is art - good for me and yay and just call me Justin Taylor - there is a point where I can shut off my escapism and go back to real life for a while. If I mix up my escape with my real-life issues too much then there is no relief valve. There is no way to get away. Sometimes, I am certain this is beneficial. I am also certain that during those times, if the person is me - then certain steps need to be taken to ensure that there is an escape valve. A place to go that is not full of emotional turmoil - otherwise I sit in front of Premiere and cry a lot.

If you are me, then you are very lucky, because people on LJ will give you song/album recs (and really - song recs are such a great thing - we should have a Song-Rec Saturday or something) and the above-mentioned good-friends with the jaunty tunes and that will distract you enough to realize there is a song all about what is essentially mercy-killings on that album and OMIGOD that is exactly what you needed and while, to the typical person, this might seem like a terrible story to have in your head - to you it is full of love, and pathos and is very real and human but it does not hit *too* close to home so it qualifies as escapism and was just what you needed.

And this post was going to be about Storyboards and it turned into...I don't know what it turned into, a lot of babbling I suspect and I probably could babble more except I have an appt at the eye doctor's. I should go now. Thanks for bearing with me.

I Can See!! It Is a Miracle!

So now - armed with information secured from my new source for all things eye-related, qafhappy - I have returned from an appointment with the eye doctor.

I LOVE MY EYE DOCTOR!!!

Wheee! Seriously, she is kick-ass. I asked my co-workers for referals and went with the person who seemed most enthusiastic about their optometrist. And with good reason - this woman could inspire cults to worship her.

First of all, she reminds me of my Aunt Jane, so I was comfortable. She also remembered that without my glasses or contacts, I am essentially blind - so she helped me from one room to the next. At one point I confessed to cheating on the eye exam - I didn't think I could actually tell that that letter was an "e" but I knew it was an "e" and now I was biased as to whether or not I was really seeing the "e" and she laughed.

She also took my issues about night vision and just not seeing the way I think I should be seeing (especially in the periphery) seriously. This was of the good. Since I knew what the "which is better, 1 or 2?" now meant - I was able to relax and tell her exactly what I was seeing and when there was a marked improvement.

Turns out that my astigmatism is not worse - I'm at 10% or something - whatever I am at it is negligiable and can't be corrected with contacts. BUT - apparently I am extremely sensitive to the astigmatism as when she corrected it in the "1 or 2, a or b" test I would say, "Oh, that is much better" or "Number one definitely."

Remember the last doctor - the evil bitch monster from hell that told me I was old and dried up (well not in those words, exactly, but who needs reality when we can hate her?) -I asked her about my astigmatism - just having glasses for when I wear my contacts and she said that my astigmatism wasn't enough to justify the glasses.

New Doctor Whom I Adore said that she thinks that if I had glasses to wear while driving (this is my number one complaint - I can't see when I drive and I can't read signs and I'll stop now) it will make a difference.

She is also gonna have me try out 2 different brands of contacts to address the dry-eye issue and never made any cracks that I am just a dried up hag or I should not take decongestants. She said that we will try these brands and if I need artificial tears, we will get artificial tears.

She also did not push me toward Laser surgery like the last couple of doctors. She said that on paper I seem like a good candidate, but in talking to me she thinks the goal is to get me to 20/20 with comfortable contacts that I can wear for extended use (FINALLY!!!) since that is where I am comfortable.

All of this and drdawn called during the appointment to tell me about QaF S4 Spoilers that I just do not believe at all. She is so making them up and I am not falling for it so Pbbbbttlll!! Also - she tried to convince me that I had a lazy eye and I do not. My sister is such a liar. I even asked the doctor and she said she was a liar, no lazy eye. She didn't know if Brian Kinney would actually do what Dawn says he does, but since Dawn has been wanting Brian to do this since she started doing it and thinks that she really is Brian - I think she is lying. Pretty sure. I should check out some spoilers....