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sisabetI'm really trying to not focus on the whole "MY CAR MY CAR!!" thang, but dammit - I have this LJ cause I am too cheap for therapy and and and!!
MY CAR!!
warning: the following paragraph is stifling boring where I detail the damage to my car and pitfalls of the estimate and I apologize for it, but I really need to get this out. This will be the only paragraph I mention any of this -well for today.
So I went for estimates today and the damage is actually a lot more...damageier than I expected. I knew the parts would be expensive because this is a grand sport version and there aren't any aftermarket parts available - so we will have to go with OEM unless we can find a nearby crash part - which I am totally cool with using...but it does not look like there is one - but I haven't done a total system search. But the estimate was for $3k, so now I have to report this to my insurance cause I know she doesn't have $3k to pay out of pocket, but it sucks cause now I have to come up with my deductible and dammit - there will be a claim on my policy. And if I really wanted to pursue vengeance I could, but I am really trying to rise up above all that and fact of the matter is I feel sorry for her. I know I am gullible (but not naive - I *know* I am probably being snookered - I just can't help wanting to believe the lie). I'd work to not be so easily taken in, but I actually like that quality in me - it is one of the things that make me, me and to change that would probably involve a ton more bitterness and possibly some shiftiness of my own and I am bitter enough - dammit.
Also - I know I said I would keep to one paragraph for the car stuff - but that was getting too long so I had to break. Whew. Couldn't breathe with all those other sentences piling on top of me. Okay - enough with the bitching. This will work out. Somehow. Maybe.
I am also between a rock and something equally rocky at work. Turns out the job they have had me doing for months now - well when it is officially open - I am not qualified to fill it. While this has never stopped them from promoting me before - before was in the happy-go-lucky world of Memphis, where a smile and good attitude could get you very far. Here - this place is cutthroat. Like pirates only without the hot cabin stuff. Or hijinks. Or a code.
So, before I was trying to decide if I want the job (soooo much more work) and now I find out that it doesn't matter I am not getting it - but I should apply anyway to show interest (cause doing the job for three months apparently implies mild notice - PLAYGROUND RULES APPLY) but I won't get it.
So this takes the pressure off me to apply - but it also opens me up to disappointment cause even knowing I won't get it - the very process of applying opens me up to feel rejected. This is why I quit acting. Well, this and the fact that I wasn't that talented and I knew it and that led to horrible stage fright - but the whole rejection thing didn't exactly endear it as a calling to me either.
Well - that and I cannot say the word "blue" without an accent. Anything else - sure. Well, if I concentrate. Blue - I just can't say it any other way. I don't even *hear* the difference. Blue.
Not to mention the horrible catch-22 of not knowing if you want a job and then applying for it because you are certain you won't get it and then getting it and you don't want it.
And now that I have thought of it - I will not be happy with any other outcome other than being offered the job - because dammit - I want to be wanted. I want people knocking down my door because I am the coolest, the best, the smartest, the fastest and the most likely to leap litigation with a single bound. I'm none of those things in reality, but in my head I wear a Super!Adjuster costume and I come complete with rental cars on demand and accident reconstruction sight.
I don't want the job. Maybe I do. I don't know. If I think too much about my career I feel rather depressed. I wish I could write a book and sell it and make a lot of money - not because I think I could write a book or even that I have a story in me to tell or that I could get it published or any of those things - I'd just like to say that I am a writer and get to hang with other writers and then I could have a home office and it would overlook something (I haven't decided what) and there would be blue curtains in my home office and a globe and I would really like it there.
If I got the job, I might be able to afford a housekeeper once a week and that would be really nice. If I got the job I would be working all the time. If I got the job it would be challenging. If I got the job it would cut into my vidding. If I got the job I would get a better cubicle. If I got the job, I'd be able to actually travel/travel. If I got the job I would not have time to take a vacation.
If I got the job I could move up at a much faster pace. If I got the job I could move up at a much faster pace (I cannot decide if this is a positive or a negative).
I'm not getting the job. I don't even think I will apply. I am too freaked out right now.
Maybe the whole LJ instead of therapy is not such a great idea?
MY CAR!!
warning: the following paragraph is stifling boring where I detail the damage to my car and pitfalls of the estimate and I apologize for it, but I really need to get this out. This will be the only paragraph I mention any of this -well for today.
So I went for estimates today and the damage is actually a lot more...damageier than I expected. I knew the parts would be expensive because this is a grand sport version and there aren't any aftermarket parts available - so we will have to go with OEM unless we can find a nearby crash part - which I am totally cool with using...but it does not look like there is one - but I haven't done a total system search. But the estimate was for $3k, so now I have to report this to my insurance cause I know she doesn't have $3k to pay out of pocket, but it sucks cause now I have to come up with my deductible and dammit - there will be a claim on my policy. And if I really wanted to pursue vengeance I could, but I am really trying to rise up above all that and fact of the matter is I feel sorry for her. I know I am gullible (but not naive - I *know* I am probably being snookered - I just can't help wanting to believe the lie). I'd work to not be so easily taken in, but I actually like that quality in me - it is one of the things that make me, me and to change that would probably involve a ton more bitterness and possibly some shiftiness of my own and I am bitter enough - dammit.
Also - I know I said I would keep to one paragraph for the car stuff - but that was getting too long so I had to break. Whew. Couldn't breathe with all those other sentences piling on top of me. Okay - enough with the bitching. This will work out. Somehow. Maybe.
I am also between a rock and something equally rocky at work. Turns out the job they have had me doing for months now - well when it is officially open - I am not qualified to fill it. While this has never stopped them from promoting me before - before was in the happy-go-lucky world of Memphis, where a smile and good attitude could get you very far. Here - this place is cutthroat. Like pirates only without the hot cabin stuff. Or hijinks. Or a code.
So, before I was trying to decide if I want the job (soooo much more work) and now I find out that it doesn't matter I am not getting it - but I should apply anyway to show interest (cause doing the job for three months apparently implies mild notice - PLAYGROUND RULES APPLY) but I won't get it.
So this takes the pressure off me to apply - but it also opens me up to disappointment cause even knowing I won't get it - the very process of applying opens me up to feel rejected. This is why I quit acting. Well, this and the fact that I wasn't that talented and I knew it and that led to horrible stage fright - but the whole rejection thing didn't exactly endear it as a calling to me either.
Well - that and I cannot say the word "blue" without an accent. Anything else - sure. Well, if I concentrate. Blue - I just can't say it any other way. I don't even *hear* the difference. Blue.
Not to mention the horrible catch-22 of not knowing if you want a job and then applying for it because you are certain you won't get it and then getting it and you don't want it.
And now that I have thought of it - I will not be happy with any other outcome other than being offered the job - because dammit - I want to be wanted. I want people knocking down my door because I am the coolest, the best, the smartest, the fastest and the most likely to leap litigation with a single bound. I'm none of those things in reality, but in my head I wear a Super!Adjuster costume and I come complete with rental cars on demand and accident reconstruction sight.
I don't want the job. Maybe I do. I don't know. If I think too much about my career I feel rather depressed. I wish I could write a book and sell it and make a lot of money - not because I think I could write a book or even that I have a story in me to tell or that I could get it published or any of those things - I'd just like to say that I am a writer and get to hang with other writers and then I could have a home office and it would overlook something (I haven't decided what) and there would be blue curtains in my home office and a globe and I would really like it there.
If I got the job, I might be able to afford a housekeeper once a week and that would be really nice. If I got the job I would be working all the time. If I got the job it would be challenging. If I got the job it would cut into my vidding. If I got the job I would get a better cubicle. If I got the job, I'd be able to actually travel/travel. If I got the job I would not have time to take a vacation.
If I got the job I could move up at a much faster pace. If I got the job I could move up at a much faster pace (I cannot decide if this is a positive or a negative).
I'm not getting the job. I don't even think I will apply. I am too freaked out right now.
Maybe the whole LJ instead of therapy is not such a great idea?
