Hugs to you. We all come to our beliefs individually and I went through some of the same things you did. For myself, I cannot see the over-arching dictation of someone else telling me what is right or wrong as being what I'm supposed to abide by. That's why I refuse to lead a congregation as a minister. When I got ordained, I made it clear that we each have to come to our own understanding of what we believe and I would never pretend to have the right to tell others what was right or wrong in what they believe. It is an individual choice and an individual understanding.